Crying is Part of the Healing Process

Last night, I was excited to go with my friend to a bible study. Since I’ve been diving deeper into my faith, I thought it would be a great opportunity. I had already gone once or twice before, however, I wasn’t fully living it.

On the ride home, we talked about what was being said and the message to take from all of it. Then my phone buzzed. And I started crying.

When I started this journey, I had sworn to myself that I would take a break from my love life because I wanted a God-fearing man, but how could I expect to find a God-fearing man if I wasn’t a God-fearing woman? Note: My love life had nothing to do with me starting this journey. My life in general was a wreck, and I knew I needed God.

I calmly explained the situation. I’m not proud of what I did, but it was the last time I’d become the “chaser.” The last time I’d chase somebody else, instead I vowed to focus on God and let him chase me, whoever he may be.

The text message was from somebody who I had given my number to and basically he kindly told me that he already had someone else. That I did not know because I didn’t see a ring.

Anyway, I started crying. My friend asked me, “Why do you want a boyfriend so much?” I had to stop, and I had to think for a second. In my post about loneliness, I recognized that I’m not alone because God is with me all the time every step of the way. When my friend asked me that question, I realized that it wasn’t me wanting a boyfriend so much, it was the overall spot in my life where I was at. Friends are getting engaged, friends are moving into their own apartment, friends are finishing college, etc. However, I had realized I had been putting all of my anger and frustration into not having a boyfriend, even though it wasn’t the case at all.

I sobbed and I sobbed and I sobbed. I told him that I had been praying for my soul to be lifted from the weight I was carrying around, and he made me realize that I had been doing it all wrong. I didn’t need to pray and ask God to lift my weight, Jesus died on a cross for a reason and that reason was to carry our burdens and pay the ultimate price for sin. The things I had in my heart weren’t very Christian like at all, and I don’t want to be that Christian blogger who preaches one thing then does the exact opposite. The whole point of my journey is to become a kinder, more loving person. A person that Jesus would be proud of. This is why I didn’t blog last night. It was late and I couldn’t give it my all and I had to get myself squared away. I was in no position to teach the word.

I hate crying in front of my friends, but this journey is all about healing. You have to cry. Crying is part of the healing process and that’s why God placed certain people in our lives. We weren’t meant to do this alone. Fellowship is encouraged.

God has a plan for everyone and we don’t always know it-this is vital to me. I need to keep reminding myself of this, and I do constantly remind myself of this otherwise I’d just go completely insane. I’m right where God wants me to be right now and when He thinks I’m ready to move on, He will make that happen. In the meantime, I need to use this time to lean further into Him and love Him more.

I write poetry now and again. Today at work, I had random lines pop into my head and I wrote it down. Then, I had this melody pop into my head. I came home and I finished the lyrics and what it turned out to be was a song about what I was going through, not intentionally.

I have never written a song, but I sat down at my keyboard and within an hour I had a completed song with words and music. The last verse and last chorus of the song is me laying down my burdens. Me letting God take control. Everything that I was feeling yesterday into today just vanished. Disappeared.

I didn’t write that song for me, God wrote that song for me.