Tag Archives: Trust

Isaiah 41:10

Tonight, I felt the need to blog. Since the move, things have been going great. Until recently.

Before I explain, I need to start off by saying that I don’t have the best driving record out there. About a month after moving, I get a letter from Michigan’s DMV saying that my license has been indefinitely suspended because I failed to appear to a drivers reexamination. However, I never got the notification to appear. So I called them. After being on hold for about an hour, they said that they sent a notification out on October 12. Days after I had made the move.

In order to get my license back, I had to have a doctor fill out a form and send it back to Michigan’s DMV. I can’t get a PA license until this is cleared.

I got the form completed, and I sent it out. However, part of me is scared that I’ll never get my license back (it’s a bit extreme, I know). Then this verse popped up. Isaiah 41:10.

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

From what I gather after reading the chapter, is that God is speaking to the people of Israel. They don’t have to be afraid, because God will help them through.

I sit here and I think about how far God has gotten me. I managed to get myself out of a sticky situation when I got stranded in Ohio. He has provided for me financially to go back to Michigan for the rest of my things. He has given me a job to help pay the bills and a way to continue my education. So what makes this situation any different? Why am I so afraid?

I may not know what God’s plan is for me. My life is a bunch of tiny puzzle pieces that will come together when I die. I won’t get to see the puzzle until I die. I’m living in the unknown.

God works in mysterious ways, and I can’t just keep taking my own self will back every time things don’t go my way. That my friends, is my biggest problem. I know he provides, and rewards the faithful. So what am I so afraid of? Deep down, I know I’ll get my license back. So why am I so worried?

The best logical answer I can come up with is that I’m only human. I’m not perfect, I never will be perfect. The best I can do is base my decisions on what the Lord is saying to me, and what He wants me to do. That can only be accomplished if I’m willing to listen. If I’m not willing to listen then it’s never going to work.

When the Israelites were traveling to the Promised Land, I’m sure that things weren’t going their way.

No journey is easy. That’s why we have to trust in The Plan. We have to trust that these puzzle pieces that we call our lives will join together one day and create a beautiful masterpiece. We have to remain faithful. I have to remain faithful.

Photo by Dave Poore on Unsplash

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Faith, Trust, and an Ohio Trooper

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. Thankfully it’s a hobby and I’m not getting paid for it, otherwise I’d suck at my job.

So much has happened within this last month and I’ve experienced things I never thought I would experience.

Recently, I did something I never imagined I would do. I packed up everything I had, and I moved out of state to live with my mom. I don’t like moving and change terrifies me so I’m amazed that it even happened.

I had reached a breaking point. I had realized that I wasn’t living up to my full potential because I was letting so many things bog me down. I realized that I didn’t have to let those things bog me down and that I could do whatever it is that I wanted to, and so I moved.

I lived in Michigan and my Mom lives in Pennsylvania. It’s about a 5 hour drive. On my way there initially (I eventually had to come back for the rest of my things) I broke down outside of sandusky. I didn’t have a phone and my cat was disturbed in his carrier in the front seat. I didn’t know what to do.

I tried (carefully) flagging people down. That didn’t work. I had this weird notion that I should keep driving on the flat, so I did. I figured one of two things were either going to happen. I was going to get pulled over for driving slowly on the shoulder of a freeway or someone was going to stop. Miraculously, none of those happened. A semi truck driver was stopped a few miles ahead of me. I had found safety.

An Ohio state trooper had come up to take care of the tow truck driver, and I was able to explain my situation. The state trooper changed my tire for me. However, he didn’t like the look of the spare. So he called a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and as soon as they start loading my car onto the truck, the donut pops off of my car. So I had found a pet friendly hotel and both me and my cat were brought to safety.

That notion I had to keep on driving was God. I had never heard a voice that was so quiet yet so loud all at the same time.

The next day arrives and I get the tire replaced (I actually need two tires replaced) and bought a spare phone. I made it to my moms safely.

Eventually, I landed a new job at Applebees and went back to Michigan for the rest of my things. I am still able to finish out school.

I’m really beginning to wonder what His plan is for me. After I moved in with my mom, everything had fallen into place so quickly. I had enough money to get by for the next month, I was able to go back to Michigan for the rest of my things, and within my first week of living here, I landed a job at Applebees.

I’m not that stressed anymore, and I’m all around happier. Granted I’m lonely because I don’t know that many people outside of my family but I know it’ll be okay. I’ll get back on my feet again. I’ll finish school, and I’ll become the woman I was meant to be.

I was able to get all of my bills for the month of October taken care of, with just enough to spare for next months.

I am never alone. Even when it feels like it. I truly believe that everything will be okay, even when it seems like it doesn’t. I’m surrounded by family. I’m literally starting over. A new chapter, if you will.

One door closed, and this one opened and I’m headed in at full speed. I don’t want to forget my old life in Michigan (even though most times I wish I would) because it helped shaped me in a way. I became stronger, and for that I am thankful.

I’m excitied to see what the future has to hold. I’m excited becauase for the first time in awhile, I know what it means to really be free.

 

Photo by Madara Parma on Unsplash

I Surrendered My Heart: Completely

“I will give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” Ezekiel 36:26-27

I have surrendered before, but not whole-heartedly. The bible even says that we should hand our whole heart over to the Lord. Proverbs 23:26 says, “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways.”

Notice that it doesn’t say My son, let your eyes observe my ways then give me your heart. That’s not how it works. Faith is believing in the unseen.

I love what 2 Corinthians 4:18 has to say about this. “As we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

But the things that are unseen are eternal.

Let that sink in for a minute.

With that being said, I surrendered my heart. I asked God to give me a new heart, and to bring Jesus into my life. I’ve learned more about Jesus and God in the last couple of weeks than I have the entire (almost) 22 years I have been alive.

I am nowhere near perfect. I am nowhere near deserving of this unconditional love that God gave me by sending his son to die for my sins. I am a mortal. A broken mortal. But if there’s anything that I have learned, it’s that God uses broken people for his glory. I mean Jesus associated with the broken people in His lifetime.

How can one be saved by Jesus if he/she was never broken to begin with? If we were never broken to begin with, we wouldn’t need to be saved. Now would we?

One of my biggest problems was men. I am friends with mostly men (I’ve been praying for that to change), I want a real romantic relationship with a man and I am so boy crazy that I go chasing love to try and fill that empty void that I have had.

When my sponsor told me that she wanted me to stay single for a year, I (internally) freaked out. How am I going to do this? I can’t do this! I like looking at them too much.

Today, I’m not freaking out. I have Jesus. He is the only Love that I need right now. And I intend to use the next 365 days wisely. I want to continue to grow in His word and let his Spirit move me in ways I won’t be able to fathom. I’m looking forward to this journey now. God has someone for me, but in His time and He wants me to know Him first.

Thank you all for going on this journey with me. I am excited for the future.

I was lost, but I have been found again.

Photo by Steve Halama on Unsplash

Fear is the Opposite of Faith

Today, I tried something new. Something I should be doing on a regular basis. I started looking through other blogs, reading them, commenting on the ones I really enjoyed. I came across one that talked about fear, and it really resonated with me.

Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “Be strong and Courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

The opposite of faith is fear.

It’s starting to make sense to me now. I am afraid of love and trust, because I have been hurt by others. However, I’ve been told that God’s love is unconditional and I’m starting to believe it. God is so much more than we even realize, than even I realize. So what am I going to do? Am I going to sit in my fear and let it muster?

The only way I am going to have a relationship with God, with people, with anybody is through love and trust. Without love and trust, there is no relationship. I learn how to do this by continuing to read His word, which I’m not always good at most of the time.

In Jeremiah 1, it is revealed that the Lord had plans for Jeremiah. “The word of the Lord came to me saying, ‘Before I formed you in the womb i knew you, before you were born i set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.’ ” (Jeremiah 1:4-5).

What would you do if the Lord came to you and told you that? A prophet to the nations?

Jeremiah responds by saying, “Alas, Soverign Lord, I do not know how to speak; I am too young.” (Jeremiah 1:6)

By verse 7, the Lord tells Jeremiah not to be afraid. The Lord tells Jeremiah that He is with him, and He will rescue him.

As long as I have God, I have no reason to be afraid. If I am afraid, then I don’t have God. Remember, Fear is the opposite of Faith. With fear, I have no faith.

I pray that I will no longer be afraid. That I can love and trust again. God is love and trust. Jesus is love and trust.

 

Photo by Jacob Ufkes on Unsplash

My Name is Kaitlin, and I’m an Alcoholic

I don’t even know where to begin right now. This is the first time disclosing my full story.

In December, I got picked up for drinking and driving. I blew a .10 on the field and a .09 at the police station. The courts go by what you blow at the station. The legal limit is .08 just to give you some context.

The charge got dropped to impaired driving. I was sentenced to 6 months non reporting probation, 40 hours of community service, impaired driving classes, and of course the fines. Everything was done by the middle of April, but I was still on probation.

I started attending meetings before my sentencing because I had assumed that the judge would make me do it anyway, however that wasn’t the case.

But I still went. And I made friends. Friends with good people. That was nice.

I even had a sponsor. This got me through.

However, for the last couple of months I didn’t have a sponsor. My former sponsor suggested that I find an additional sponsor because she couldn’t give me the time I deserved. I was a little hurt by that. But I understood. She’s a body builder with kids and a husband. She’s doing what she loves and taking care of her family. She was busy, I get that.

These last few weeks have been emotional. I was conflicted. The “I’m not an alcoholic” thought kept popping into my head. I started detaching from meetings, from my friends, even this blog. I felt that I didn’t belong. I don’t even remember the last time I picked my bible up.

I didn’t have the “I lost my kids, my spouse, my house, my car.” story. I didn’t really lose anything. But I know I couldn’t stop drinking. Once I had one I became so fixated on having more. My stepmom even warned me before I turned 21.

Eventually, I started believing those thoughts. And one of my friends picked up on it. He sensed there was something wrong and I couldn’t bullshit him. Excuse my language.

I let myself believe that I wasn’t an alcoholic because I didn’t have the typical alcoholic story. I woke up this morning and I knew exactly what I was going to get to drink on Monday.

I went to two meetings tonight. And when I went to the second meeting, that’s when God showed up. I was honest with myself. I shared what was going on with me. How I didn’t see the point, how I didn’t lose anything nor had anything to lose. One guy interrupted me and that was the final straw. I walked out.

I got up, and I walked out.

After having a conversation with someone else, that’s when I realized that I had become so fixated on not having the typical alcoholic story. What other people have gone through is what can happen to me if I start drinking again. I know that if I do start drinking again,  I won’t be able to stop. I proved that to myself time and time again before I got the DUI in December.

It wasn’t until then that something clicked again. That was my reset button. I drank because I was lonely. Yet the void was only being temporarily filled. It was nothing permanent, it will never be permanent. Sure you feel great, temporarily. But the morning after sucks. It will always suck.

I’m still not sure on how to cope with the loneliness. I could be with friends and still feel lonely. I guess that’s something God will reveal to me when he’s ready. I guess that’s something I’ll have to pray about.

After today, I feel like I’m back at square 1. I feel like I’m starting over. Like I’m starting fresh. I’m not even sure if the last 3 months of my sobriety should count because I was on probation. And probation was the reason why I stayed sober. When Monday comes, I’ll deal with it then.

But today I have a choice. I can drink, or I can not drink. One path leads to destruction, the other leads to happiness and fulfilling my destiny. Which path do I want to take?

My name is Kaitlin, and I am an alcoholic.

Photo by Claudia Soraya on Unsplash

No Strings Attached

No, I don’t mean this as a friends with benefits definition.

What I mean by no strings attached is that I’m free. I’ve spent so much time focusing on settling down, getting married, and popping out a couple of kids and worrying over if it might not happen for me.

It’s been different, it feels great!

I’m doing my own thing, at my own pace. I’m living my life how I want to. If I don’t feel like going out, I can stay in. If I don’t feel like staying in, I can go out. I don’t have any commitments or responsibilities to another person. I don’t have another person breathing down my back and it feels amazing.

Today, I went to pick a friend up. Then we went and hung out at the pool, the mall, we grabbed a bite to eat and her boyfriend joined us, then we went to go see this band in the local park.

It was great. They announced they were going to play Sinatra, and I knew the song and I shout out (it was an unintentionally loud shout) “I LOVE THIS” and I’m pretty sure the entire city of Plymouth heard me because several audience members behind me heard me and laughed a bit. Great times. #I’mawkward.

Anyway, it was a genuinely great day. Again, no expectations. I was free. I am free. I love my freedom and I’m not sure if I want to give that up just yet. I’m just now learning how to embrace being young, being the best person I can possibly be, and enjoying my time now.

My time is now.

I started writing poetry/spoken word again, and that feels great. I have missed writing. I might even go to an open mic some time and perform my stuff.

It’s days like today that keep me going. That keep me pushing. I am able to do literally whatever I want. As long as it’s legal, of course.

I’ve wasted so much time already because it took me 21 years to figure this out. But that’s okay because I’m still young. I still learned this before it was too late. I still have time to figure me out, but reality is, I will never figure me out entirely.

Does anybody figure out who they are entirely?

Photo by Maurice Schalker on Unsplash

How I Almost Lost My Sanity And How I Got It Back

The last couple months have been terrible.

I don’t want to get into any specifics, but I will say this.

I didn’t want to do anything and I was missing out on life.

I wanted to wake up and hit snooze every chance I had. Even though I would tell myself I wanted to be more productive.

My uncle passed away a few weeks ago. I drove out to PA to go see him (with my brother of course). I had to call off of work, which I hated doing.

I was depressed and I didn’t even realize it.

I didn’t want to keep up with the blog.

I enjoyed time with friends, but all I did was complain about how much I hated my job.

Then it happened. I had a mental breakdown. I had to make a tough decision and do what was best for me.

I was able to be with my friends, not complain about anything (for the first time in awhile), and even joke around and laugh. One of my friends even said that I was smiling so much it was beginning to creep him out.

I found out some things that I should have never found out. But I realized that God had meant for me to find those things out because He knew that I wasn’t in a good place.

He knew that I needed better, and he helped me get to that point.

God is there if you listen. God was there when I had some conversations with a few close friends and my stepmom.

The only thing I had to do was listen to the advice that was given. Which isn’t always easy.

Reality is, nothing is easy. Life is full of choices. Sometimes easy ones, mostly hard ones.

Acts 8:26-29 says “Now an angel of the Lord said to Phillip, go South to the road-the desert road-that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza. So he started out, and on his way he met an Ethiopian eunuch, an important official in charge of all the treasury of the Kandake. This man had gone to Jerusalem to worship and on his way home he was sitting in his chariot reading the Book of Isaiah the prophet. The spirit told Phillip, go to that chariot and stay near it.”

We talked about this story a few weeks ago at my church group. God had told Phillip to approach someone and have a conversation with someone at this chariot. A man that Phillip had never met, that he didn’t even know. I can’t say what was running through Phillips mine but I know that I would never be able to approach a random person and start having a conversation with them.

However, Phillip obeyed. And great things came out of it (you should read the full story!) because Phillip had obeyed.

I was in the same situation with different circumstances.

However, like Phillip, I had to listen to the advice that was given to me. If you ask for advice, but don’t listen to it, chances are the results are going to be disastrous. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

My point is, if you put yourself first once in awhile and do whats best for you, you’ll be better off. You’ll be a lot happier, you’ll appreciate things on a level much deeper than you could ever comprehend.

I’m not missing my brothers graduation.

I’m going to Cedar Point.

I refuse to miss out on my own life.

Photo by Dmitry Ratushny on Unsplash