Tag Archives: Thankful

Let’s Talk Emotions

I’m a little over a month in my journey with sobriety. And I can honestly say that this has been the most emotional month I’ve had in a while..probably because I’m sober. I feel things, I feel things on a deep level. That’s one of the many reasons why I drank.

I’m going to be honest, it sucks. It sucks so hard. One minute I’m crying at a table and an hour later I’m smiling, laughing, and nobody would have guessed I had a mental breakdown that hour beforehand.

However, the more people I talk to in recovery, the more I realize this is normal. Our emotions are going to be over the place. We’re going to be sensitive at first, we’re going to get irritated more easily than others because we aren’t drinking our feelings away.

All I can say is don’t give up.

I feel like I’m walking on an earthquake about to slip through the cracks. I’m hanging on to one tiny piece of rope. That rope is everything I want to be. Everything I’m striving to be. That rope is what is saving my life right now and I can’t let go of it, not yet. If I let go, then I fall to my death. That’s not what I want.

Sobriety isn’t easy. Giving in to a power greater than yourself isn’t easy. But things that we’re destined for aren’t meant to be easy. People can’t progress if they don’t want to put in the work.

My parents worry about me-alot. It irritates me because I am an adult. I have freedoms I didn’t have when I was 16. Them worrying is annoying. But it’s their job as a parent. One parent is 300 miles away and worries. It’s frustrating, I don’t like it. I work afternoons. So I’m most active at night and in the late afternoon. I have to be careful to not wake my Dad up when I’m coming home at 2-3 in the morning.

He gets irritated because I’m coming home so late. He works a 9 to 5 monday-friday type job, gets up earlier, and goes to bed earlier. I don’t have that right now so my schedule is backwards.

Little things like that make me so mad. But someone said to me “How would you feel if you guys didn’t fight over what time you were coming home? How would you feel if they couldn’t worry anymore?” and honestly, that changed my perspective and I became less irritated.

In our journey in sobriety advances, our emotions are going to be scattered and we’re not going to know how to deal. The beautiful thing is we don’t have to deal with it all at once. The key to it though is perspective. There are so many different outlooks on life, and it’s our choice to choose which outlook we want. We can choose to live positively, or we can choose to live negatively. It’s up to us.

If you feel like me, you aren’t alone. It’s normal, but don’t ever give up. Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens.

Photo by Alex Wigan on Unsplash

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I’m Bleeding, and I’m Okay

Today was overall a good day. It had its ups and downs, but thats life in general. I’m really thankful that someone had held me accountable with AA. I’m glad I started going back, I finally found a sponsor.

I’m really excited for this, but I’m also scared. The last week has been nothing but coming to realizations I didn’t want to come to, but I had to.

From recognizing alcoholic tendencies to learning how to heal and let go of that and acknowledge the fact I shouldn’t be drinking. When I got on probation, all I could think about was how I couldn’t wait to get off. But why? I couldn’t wait to get off because it meant I’d be able to drink again. That was the only reason. Not because I wouldn’t be tied down by the court system, not because it meant I wouldn’t be “watched” by the courts anymore, I couldn’t wait to get off because it would mean I’d be able to drink again.

But I realized…

How many times have I told myself I would have one or two drinks and let it be, yet realized that nobody was “policing” me so I could have more than I wanted? How many times was I worried about how I’d get home because I didn’t restrict myself? Too many times to count.

Honestly, the idea of me not drinking again terrifies me. And that’s perfectly normal for someone who admits to themselves that they can’t be a “normal” drinker. However, I know that as time comes, it will get easier. I won’t have that thought anymore.

For the first time, I was honest with myself. I had made myself vulnerable. I am exploiting myself every day whether I realize it or not.

I’m becoming a better person, and that’s something I’d never be able to find in a bottle. Normally, on Thursday’s I go to my college group but was invited to something that focuses on co-dependency. I figured I’d give it a shot. Because I am co-dependent, and this applies to many things on top of alcohol.

I told a friend that I wouldn’t be able to make it to the group tomorrow because of time conflict. He was disappointed, but he understood. And he sent me a text that gave me assurance that I was doing something right.

It felt really good. Not because he said good things, but because of the fact that the work I’m putting into myself is in fact worth it.

I’m radiating love. I’m radiating hope. I’m radiating faith. I never wanted to be this open because it meant that I could be taken advantage of. It meant that I could get hurt. I was so scared of getting hurt that I kept closing myself off. I can’t do that. I won’t do that. I need people just as much as they need me.

I’m bleeding, but in a good way. I’m bleeding love. I’m bleeding hope. I’m bleeding faith. If I don’t have something to work for, if I don’t have something to believe in, then what am I living for? I have to believe that my life will get better, I have to believe that God is there, and he is. Let this blog be my testimony.

I’m grateful for this life. I’m grateful for my friends and my family who have been so supportive. I’m thankful for my readers.

If I can make just one impact in someone else’s life, then that’s all I need. If I can make a change, then so can you. It’s not easy, but it’s well worth the investment. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, and it sucks. However, it’s part of the healing process. Recognizing and staying in tune with your emotions is important. You can’t just bottle them up inside because nothing good comes out of it. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know.

I’ll have my good days, and I’ll have my bad days. But on the good days I choose to have faith. On the bad days, I still CHOOSE to have faith.

 

Cover Photo by Jade on Unsplash

A Night of Reflection

Tonight I’m taking time. I’m taking time to pray and realize all that God has done for me. Tonight was the last night of my impaired driving course. Let me rewind.

8:20 AM: Got up for work.

9:30 Got to Work

9:45 get into an argument with my stepmom over our dog. This was probably the hardest part of my day but I can say that I tried my best to keep calm and didn’t say anything out of anger. I owned up to my wrongdoings, and I didn’t make excuses. This was a big accomplishment for me.

Being that my day started off so crummy, it could only go up from there. Fast forward to 6:30. I’m in my impaired driving class. It’s my last night and the instructor asks me what I have learned.

In the past 6 weeks, I have learned so much. I grew closer with God (and continuing to do so), realized that me going out was a bit excessive. I was going out 5-6 nights a week. Not necessarily getting drunk but avoiding responsibility. I didn’t see the error of my ways, I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong, but this class showed me that I wasn’t doing something right either.

I’ve learned how to be safe when I do go out. Granted this should have been a given, but some lessons were meant to be learned the hard way. If not for my DUI, I would still be doing what I was doing. I wouldn’t have learned anything.

I’ve started establishing relationships with a friend that I had truly cared about. He was trying to help me all along but I was so stuck in my ways I didn’t want it, when really I did.

I also learned to decipher when I should be drinking and when I shouldn’t. I’ve learned that drinking at social events and get togethers is ok and I must do it responsibly. If I feel that I can’t drink responsibly, then I shouldn’t drink at all. I also shouldn’t drink to masquerade my feelings.

I’m so thankful that God put me on this challenging journey. The growth I have experienced is amazing. I can finally say that I’m happy. I can say that today? I didn’t just survive, I lived.

I look forward to continuing to share my journey with all of you. I’m one step closer to God and one step closer to freedom.

Being Thankful

You may have noticed that today’s bible entry was a bit later than usual.

I got home from work, had dinner and visited with my family for a bit. I probably won’t even journal or read my book tonight because I’m so tired. As much as I hate skipping a day, it’s ok. I got the only reading that’s important out of the way.

I finally got around to watching To Joey, With Love. A documentary created by Rory Feek, for his wife Joey who died nearly two years ago.

Joey Feek was a really good example of how a wife, a mother, and an overall human being should be. She put her family first, she worked hard, she was kind, she was humble, and she always put God first.

Sure, her and Rory probably had money, but that didn’t matter to them. What mattered was the simple things in life. They even took a year off of their music career so they could focus on learning how to live off the land and preparing for their daughter to be born.

I’m not trying to get into the minds of their family, but if I was put in their position and lost someone I loved and cared about deeply, I’d be questioning God and his reasoning. As far as the documentary goes, they both were content. They both had accepted that this was God’s plan for them and they just had to cope.

Again, not trying to get into their minds, just making an observation based off of the documentary.

The documentary hit me hard. It was almost like I felt like I was losing somebody I loved. But, she didn’t take a day for granted. She lived like it was her last one, and Rory even says that in the film.

We need to cherish our loved ones, because we never know what tomorrow will bring and we never know what God has planned for us. Tell your family you love them, and never let them go.

Be kind to them, don’t yell at them. Treat them like you’ll never see them again. Cling to them.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

Be thankful for what you have, because some people aren’t as lucky. Love them like you’ll never love again.

Rest in peace Joey Feek, I hope you’ve been spending your time in Heaven making those angels sing for the last two years.