Tag Archives: Selfless

I’m Drunk! On Gods Love That Is

Tonight was incredible. It was worship night at my church group. Just singing. Praising. Worshipping.

In that moment, the ground that I was walking on was steady. The earthquake stopped. And the waters were calm.

For the first time, I felt drunk. But not in the usual sense of the word. I was feeling serenity, calm, love, joy, happiness.

I was singing and I meant every word I was singing.

There were no doubts. There was no fear. There was no worry. For the first time in awhile, I truly felt ok.

I wasn’t thinking about work. I wasn’t thinking about what’s going to happen with my license (if anything). I wasn’t running through the list I have in my head over and over again like I usually do.

I felt close to God. I felt close with God. I felt close with the people I was with, and I felt like I belonged.

I’m still not dreading work like I usually do. Maybe it’s because I actually look forward to things on my off days now. Maybe it’s because I got my planner and planned my week out.

Maybe it’s because I started reading again. I don’t know the answer, nor do I want to know the answer. I just hope that this feeling stays. I’m drunk on Gods love and I’m loving the feeling.

Something that not even a bottle of tequila could do. I’m glad I started this journey and I’m glad that I started taking it seriously. Not focused on anything but myself. Which may sound selfish, but it’s teaching me how to be selfless.

I don’t feel as closed off anymore. I’m opening up a little bit at a time. For the first time, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash

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Today, I Got My Confidence Back

I ran across a facebook post written by a girl I knew from high school. She’s going to beauty school and learning how to do hair, and she needed to build up her professional portfolio.

We were going to dye my hair purple, but because this whole thing with forensics happened, I figured that going in to take an exam with purple hair wouldn’t make a good first impression, so we decided to go black. I’ve been blonde, I’ve been red, but my hair has never been black so I figured why not. She also did my makeup.

It looks INCREDIBLE.

Natural, but not natural. I was so happy I got to help her build her portfolio, but to me it was so much more than that. I can’t post any pictures yet, because I’m doing a reveal because I look kinda different, kinda the same but kind of different.

I used to drink because I had no confidence (there were many reasons why I drank, this was just one of them) and it was the one thing alcohol gave me.

Just by talking to her, interacting with her, and catching up (I haven’t seen her in 5 years) felt really great.

But the best thing about today was she helped me obtain that confidence I never had. That confidence that I obtained while drinking. I didn’t have to impair myself to feel good about myself.

In high school, I thought she was kind of mean. I thought she didn’t like me. I pre-judged her before I even got to know her and I feel TERRIBLE about that. Turns out, we have a lot more in common than I ever thought.

She is so sweet and I’m happy I came across her facebook when she asked if people needed their hair done and I’m so happy I reached out. Today was a really significant day because I truly do love myself. For the first time in years, I really do love myself. It wouldn’t of happened without her.

I get that you can choose to be confident, but sometimes, people can walk in and give you that boost you need. She was that person.

If you are in the metro Detroit area, and need your hair done. Shoot me an email. You can find it in the contact information and I can direct you to her. Pictures will be posted at some point tomorrow.

Photo by Ryan Moreno on Unsplash

What I’ve Learned About Having Friends

I almost didn’t want to blog tonight. I had gotten off of work at midnight, and came home at about 12:30 greeted by a wonderful headache. I say that sarcastically.

However, I felt weird going to bed before I finished up my readings for the day. I felt weird going to bed before I blogged about what’s on my mind.

I’ve started reading this book called “Becoming Myself” by Stasi Eldredge. I’m about halfway through, but tonights chapter hit me hard.

It was about friendship. Good qualities, bad qualities, do’s and don’ts, letting people go because you love them. Letting people go because you’re selfless.

This book was written for women, christian women. This chapter, about friendship, got me thinking about the last few years of my life.

In middle school and high school, I had a small group of friends. Men and women. As we got older, our schedules changed, some of us drifted apart. Some of us stabbed the other in the back. I fell victim to this.

A few months ago, who I thought was my “best friend” had unfriended me from facebook. Granted it has been awhile since we talked (I’ll get more into that here in a bit), but I still enjoyed seeing what was going on in her life through her posts. Without a word, she was gone.

This hurt, really bad. This made me not trust women at all. This made me scared to trust women, so I found comfort in the fellowship of men (this all happened before I became saved). They were amazing! They listened, offered advice (which was convenient when I had a crush on some guy, they could give me a man’s perspective on what they do if they like a girl). However, there were still some things I couldn’t talk to them about. Sure, they’d give me chocolate when I needed it (ladies, you know what I’m talking about). However, I still longed for that closeness with a woman. I still longed for that close friendship with a woman. I let my guard of trust get in the way of that.

Even when I did have friends in high school, I put expectations on them (which was a HUGE mistake). I thought that if they didn’t text me or call me every single day, it automatically meant that they didn’t care. It took a long time for me to learn that we don’t have time to sit on our phones and have a conversation all day every day (I know, it’s sad that I even thought that). Though at the time, because it’s what I believed, I rarely talked to anybody. I had that “why bother, they don’t talk to me. If they wanted to talk to me, then they would have.” mentality. It took a long time for me to learn that it’s a two way street and both parties have to be involved.

It also took me a long time for me to learn that having women friends is just as important has having man friends. Let’s be real, if you’re cramping up can you really talk to a guy about that?

The second thing I had to learn was that people will come and go in our lives. It’s a normal thing. Very rarely will we find somebody that will have a lasting friendship. We are meant to let people go, not out of hate, but out of love. Recognizing that we are going separate ways in life, not because we no longer like that person.

Now? Now I have the most amazing set of friends I could have ever asked for. A healthy mix of men and women. Not only are they there for me when I need them, but they also hold me accountable. They are honest, they don’t beat around the bush. It’s so much easier not having to put that “they need to call and/or text me every single day” expectation. Just because they don’t talk to every day, does not automatically mean they don’t care.

Besides, it’s really rare that we talk one on one outside of meeting physically. We have a whole group chat dedicated to that and it’s great.

I thank God everyday for them.

Photo by Chang Duong on Unsplash