Tag Archives: recovery

Something Greater than Yourself Does Exist

We are human. We want to believe that we are the center of the universe. We expect people to serve us left, right, up, down and sideways. We expect to get what we want, when we want, how we want it.

THAT IS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS.

If you want to recover from your alcoholism/addiction, the pride and the selfishness has to go. It’s a lot easier said than done, trust me, I’ve been there. However, if I can do it, then you can do it. You just have to want it.

We have to admit defeat. As someone once told me at a table, self will doesn’t cure self will. But God’s will? His will, and only His will can cure self will.

Honestly, it’s because of God and his grace that I’ve stayed relatively sane these last couple of months. It’s been one thing after another, yet I’m still sober, and I’m still ok.

If I wasn’t sober, well then I can say without a doubt that the outcome of things would have been a lot worse.

I’m not worried about things. I’m not worried about life. I’m calm. If you truly want to be sober, I pray that you come to believe in a power greater than yourself. Once you do that, you’ll find that life as so much more to offer. That you’ve been blessed and didn’t even realize it. You’ll realize what the real solution to your problems are.

To give you an example: If you’ve read my other blog posts, you’d know that a few weeks ago I got into an accident and totaled my car. This was a trigger for me. I wanted a drink so badly. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Instead of going to the bar, violating probation and drinking my income away, I talked to people.

The next day, I called my bank. Because of the credit I’ve been building, I was approved for a loan to get a new vehicle and by the end of that day, I was driving home with a new car. Well, not brand new, but new to me.

I could have drank. If I did, then I probably to this day would still be without a car. God had everything planned for me from the start. It was a test. A test that I believe I passed.

It all worked out. It always will if you come to believe in a power greater than yourself.

I grew up Catholic and left the church for a really long time. I believed that there was something out there, but didn’t acknowledge that presence. I’m acknowledging it here and now.

My higher power is God. Your higher power doesn’t have to be. I am a Christian, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. Open mindedness and willingness are key. I respect other beliefs. Because the world doesn’t revolve around me.

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I’m Drunk! On Gods Love That Is

Tonight was incredible. It was worship night at my church group. Just singing. Praising. Worshipping.

In that moment, the ground that I was walking on was steady. The earthquake stopped. And the waters were calm.

For the first time, I felt drunk. But not in the usual sense of the word. I was feeling serenity, calm, love, joy, happiness.

I was singing and I meant every word I was singing.

There were no doubts. There was no fear. There was no worry. For the first time in awhile, I truly felt ok.

I wasn’t thinking about work. I wasn’t thinking about what’s going to happen with my license (if anything). I wasn’t running through the list I have in my head over and over again like I usually do.

I felt close to God. I felt close with God. I felt close with the people I was with, and I felt like I belonged.

I’m still not dreading work like I usually do. Maybe it’s because I actually look forward to things on my off days now. Maybe it’s because I got my planner and planned my week out.

Maybe it’s because I started reading again. I don’t know the answer, nor do I want to know the answer. I just hope that this feeling stays. I’m drunk on Gods love and I’m loving the feeling.

Something that not even a bottle of tequila could do. I’m glad I started this journey and I’m glad that I started taking it seriously. Not focused on anything but myself. Which may sound selfish, but it’s teaching me how to be selfless.

I don’t feel as closed off anymore. I’m opening up a little bit at a time. For the first time, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash

Let’s Talk Emotions

I’m a little over a month in my journey with sobriety. And I can honestly say that this has been the most emotional month I’ve had in a while..probably because I’m sober. I feel things, I feel things on a deep level. That’s one of the many reasons why I drank.

I’m going to be honest, it sucks. It sucks so hard. One minute I’m crying at a table and an hour later I’m smiling, laughing, and nobody would have guessed I had a mental breakdown that hour beforehand.

However, the more people I talk to in recovery, the more I realize this is normal. Our emotions are going to be over the place. We’re going to be sensitive at first, we’re going to get irritated more easily than others because we aren’t drinking our feelings away.

All I can say is don’t give up.

I feel like I’m walking on an earthquake about to slip through the cracks. I’m hanging on to one tiny piece of rope. That rope is everything I want to be. Everything I’m striving to be. That rope is what is saving my life right now and I can’t let go of it, not yet. If I let go, then I fall to my death. That’s not what I want.

Sobriety isn’t easy. Giving in to a power greater than yourself isn’t easy. But things that we’re destined for aren’t meant to be easy. People can’t progress if they don’t want to put in the work.

My parents worry about me-alot. It irritates me because I am an adult. I have freedoms I didn’t have when I was 16. Them worrying is annoying. But it’s their job as a parent. One parent is 300 miles away and worries. It’s frustrating, I don’t like it. I work afternoons. So I’m most active at night and in the late afternoon. I have to be careful to not wake my Dad up when I’m coming home at 2-3 in the morning.

He gets irritated because I’m coming home so late. He works a 9 to 5 monday-friday type job, gets up earlier, and goes to bed earlier. I don’t have that right now so my schedule is backwards.

Little things like that make me so mad. But someone said to me “How would you feel if you guys didn’t fight over what time you were coming home? How would you feel if they couldn’t worry anymore?” and honestly, that changed my perspective and I became less irritated.

In our journey in sobriety advances, our emotions are going to be scattered and we’re not going to know how to deal. The beautiful thing is we don’t have to deal with it all at once. The key to it though is perspective. There are so many different outlooks on life, and it’s our choice to choose which outlook we want. We can choose to live positively, or we can choose to live negatively. It’s up to us.

If you feel like me, you aren’t alone. It’s normal, but don’t ever give up. Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens.

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The Motivation (Or Lack Thereof)

I’ve been blogging less and less. I’ve written for the Odyssey online, I have written for puckermob, and I started this. Odyssey and Puckermob just fell apart. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let this blog become one of those things that I’d start and forget about a month later.

I’ve been enjoying writing these blogs. It gives people inspiration and hope. My words have the ability to impact people in ways that I would have never imagined.

I’ve been thinking about putting myself on a schedule throughout the week. Getting a planner and writing out everything I have to do for the day. Word for word. Bills I have to pay, meetings I should attend to, days I have to work, days I have classes, what time I should be up by, etc etc.

I don’t have a planner yet. So everything I’ve been doing is from mental memory. Yesterday I got up at 8 A.M. I felt really accomplished (anyone who knows me knows that I am typically NOT a morning person). I got my car cleaned out and my room cleaned. Went to two AA meetings back to back and went to school to take my exam. I felt really productive and proud.

Today I woke up at around noon and barely got anything done. I got my budget worked out (bye bye internet streaming services *cough cough Netflix cough cough*) and my student loan paperwork completed, however I wasn’t able to turn in it to my schools financial aid office.

But today, I found out I am closer to getting my degree than I thought I was. I have about a year and a half left. That’s because I kept pushing, I kept striving, and I didn’t let the fear of student loans get to me. Even though I have changed my major roughly three times (which isn’t uncommon; if you are in the same boat, DO NOT feel guilty). I am so close to being done.

None of this would have happened if I didn’t sober up. If I was still out drinking, I wouldn’t have come to know God. I wouldn’t have been able to continuously share my story with people. I wouldn’t have been able to come as far as I have and that’s really important.

I’ve been watching a movie called 5 to 7 a lot lately, and one of my favorite quotes from that movie is “Progress is not linear.”

It’s not. Life is just a giant course of trial and error. If something doesn’t work, we try it again in a different way and make the same errors.

I feel like we have to hit a certain bottom before we rise to the surface. My charge was my bottom. This is why Paul is one of my favorite characters in the bible because Paul PERSECUTED Christians in his time. He had a specific encounter with God. In Acts 9:4, the Lord asks “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”

That conversation that Paul had with the Lord changed his life. It changed his life so much that even his name was changed. To learn more of the story please read my blog post From Saul to Paul: The Beginning.

Do I want to do things other than sit for an hour and read the Word? Absolutely. I’m sure every Christian feels that way at some point. However, it’s a really bad habit to get into because when we should be studying the Word is when we aren’t feeling motivated.

 

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The Doubts Are Still There…

As I’m working through Step One, I realized that I had already admitted that I had a problem.

But I question myself. Every single day. Will I ever really truly know if I’m an alcoholic? Probably not.

Though given the fact that I’ve tried to do some things like control my drinking, I failed.

I did some step work today. Given what I wrote for my first step work, given the fact that alcoholism runs on both sides of my family, and given the fact that I was so excited to turn 21 just so I could drink, I’m pre-determined. All signs point to the disease.

The doubts are still there, the curiosity of wondering if I really can limit myself are still there, but I have to remind myself that it’s all an illusion.

I never wanted my genes to pre-determine who I was going to be, which is rather silly if you think about it. Our genes come from our parents. Our personality, how we look, our tastes in food, music, extra curricular activities, etc are all determined by genes.

We are our parents, and our grand parents, and our great grandparents, and family members that go back hundreds of years.

Our genes essentially do determine who we are-to an extent. Genes are found in chromosomes, chromosomes are in our DNA and our DNA comes from our parents.

There is no quick fix. There is no cure. But there is a choice and that choice is to make a conscious and spiritual effort to stay sober.

 

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You Have To Work!

This is a pretty safe statement. Nobody can earn anything for you, you have to earn it. And to earn it, you MUST work hard. Nobody else can work for you, you have to work for you. Nobody can make you change, you MUST want to change. When you want to change, we’ll be here, cheering you on, encouraging you, and guiding you.

We may not be able to change you, but we can help you when you’re ready to change. We can do this by offering advice when needed, we can be an empathetic friend who understands what you’re going through, and we can hold you accountable.

There is a catch though. That catch is (if I haven’t said this before) you have to WANT it, and once you WANT it, you MUST work.

One of the reasons why I love the whole sponsor idea is because they’re basically your accountability partner. However, you must be willing to WANT to find your own sponsor. A sponsor isn’t going to walk up to you and say “Hey, do you need a sponsor?” They will make themselves known, but you have to be the one to make that choice.

However, there is something I feel like you need to know. It doesn’t matter how far down the rabbit hole you have gone, you are still WORTHY of change. You are still WORTHY of recovery. You are still WORTHY of God’s grace.

The only thing you have to do, is REACH for it and take it. It’s there for YOU to take.

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Coming To Terms: What I’ve Learned

Today, I read a story about a man. A man from the 20s. A man that I’d never imagine I’d be able to relate to. As I was reading his story, it sounded familiar. It wasn’t just “his” story, but mine to.

How many times have I told myself that I’d stop drinking, but yet continued to drink? Sure, the hangover would be torture the next day but after the hangover went away, I’d be right back at it again. The only reason I told myself I’d stop drinking, was so I wouldn’t have to endure the painful hangovers. As soon as the hangovers went away, it was right back to it.

It took two months after turning 21 before I got popped to realize that God was alive. It took another 6 months more after that before I realized that yeah, I did have a problem. Self doubt is currently still there, “Oh, maybe I’m not an alcoholic,” but if I’m being real, in my experience, that is something only alcoholics would say. One fact still remains: I cannot control my drinking. I like the feeling of being drunk too much (even though that meant I’d have to endure painful hangovers). I cannot manage this, but God CAN. 

If I got $1 for every time I told myself I’d have one or two drinks and call it a night, I’d be rich. If I got an additional $1 for every time I had more than one or two drinks, I’d be even richer.

You MUST be willing to want to change yourself, I cannot change you. Without admitting you have a problem, nothing will change. No matter how hard you try.

Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash