Tag Archives: peace

Home is where…

What if I told you what living in a small town is like?

Where the population is less than 5,000 and its an hour from the turnpike?

You can stop in at Debs for a cup of joe,

or explore the unknown.

Where people are friendly.

The hustle and bustle is unheard of,

where you can believe you’re good enough.

You can go to Moms, she’ll probably have supper cooking.

Where love isn’t lost, because you stopped looking.

You can go to Grandma’s if you want some pasta,

kick back, relax, and talk to Papa.

Home is where you are loved and your stomach is always full.

Where your presence is enough and you’re not fighting bulls.

Home is where your heart is, where you’re never alone.

A 5 minute drive to one of your own.

Home is where you’re happy,

where the birds fly free

Home is that once in a lifetime feeling.

Small town life is where I belong,

Home is my new favorite sound to a long lost song.

 

Photo by Karol Kaczorek on Unsplash

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My Name is Kaitlin, and I’m an Alcoholic

I don’t even know where to begin right now. This is the first time disclosing my full story.

In December, I got picked up for drinking and driving. I blew a .10 on the field and a .09 at the police station. The courts go by what you blow at the station. The legal limit is .08 just to give you some context.

The charge got dropped to impaired driving. I was sentenced to 6 months non reporting probation, 40 hours of community service, impaired driving classes, and of course the fines. Everything was done by the middle of April, but I was still on probation.

I started attending meetings before my sentencing because I had assumed that the judge would make me do it anyway, however that wasn’t the case.

But I still went. And I made friends. Friends with good people. That was nice.

I even had a sponsor. This got me through.

However, for the last couple of months I didn’t have a sponsor. My former sponsor suggested that I find an additional sponsor because she couldn’t give me the time I deserved. I was a little hurt by that. But I understood. She’s a body builder with kids and a husband. She’s doing what she loves and taking care of her family. She was busy, I get that.

These last few weeks have been emotional. I was conflicted. The “I’m not an alcoholic” thought kept popping into my head. I started detaching from meetings, from my friends, even this blog. I felt that I didn’t belong. I don’t even remember the last time I picked my bible up.

I didn’t have the “I lost my kids, my spouse, my house, my car.” story. I didn’t really lose anything. But I know I couldn’t stop drinking. Once I had one I became so fixated on having more. My stepmom even warned me before I turned 21.

Eventually, I started believing those thoughts. And one of my friends picked up on it. He sensed there was something wrong and I couldn’t bullshit him. Excuse my language.

I let myself believe that I wasn’t an alcoholic because I didn’t have the typical alcoholic story. I woke up this morning and I knew exactly what I was going to get to drink on Monday.

I went to two meetings tonight. And when I went to the second meeting, that’s when God showed up. I was honest with myself. I shared what was going on with me. How I didn’t see the point, how I didn’t lose anything nor had anything to lose. One guy interrupted me and that was the final straw. I walked out.

I got up, and I walked out.

After having a conversation with someone else, that’s when I realized that I had become so fixated on not having the typical alcoholic story. What other people have gone through is what can happen to me if I start drinking again. I know that if I do start drinking again,  I won’t be able to stop. I proved that to myself time and time again before I got the DUI in December.

It wasn’t until then that something clicked again. That was my reset button. I drank because I was lonely. Yet the void was only being temporarily filled. It was nothing permanent, it will never be permanent. Sure you feel great, temporarily. But the morning after sucks. It will always suck.

I’m still not sure on how to cope with the loneliness. I could be with friends and still feel lonely. I guess that’s something God will reveal to me when he’s ready. I guess that’s something I’ll have to pray about.

After today, I feel like I’m back at square 1. I feel like I’m starting over. Like I’m starting fresh. I’m not even sure if the last 3 months of my sobriety should count because I was on probation. And probation was the reason why I stayed sober. When Monday comes, I’ll deal with it then.

But today I have a choice. I can drink, or I can not drink. One path leads to destruction, the other leads to happiness and fulfilling my destiny. Which path do I want to take?

My name is Kaitlin, and I am an alcoholic.

Photo by Claudia Soraya on Unsplash

The Perfectly Angled Moon

The moon is at a perfect angle and is shining through my window. 

It’s absolutely beautiful. 

The crickets, the silence, the peace.

The shadow of everything at rest.

I realized that I was missing out on it.

I was finishing my nightly Netflix binge and was going to go straight to bed

before I saw this perfectly angled moon, and everything else I noticed along with it.

The crickets are in perfect harmony and the peace comes with the silence just like the clouds come with the rain. In this moment, I realize that nobody is telling them when to harmonize or when to appear. They just know.

And I realize that I am just like them. 

I am the chorus of crickets that I hear. Because my life is intertwined with other people. It is complete with other people. 

I am the peace that comes with the silence. Because I have the power to be at peace if I really choose to. 

When my work has been done for the day, I don’t have to stress. I can sit and admire this perfectly angled moon and everything that comes with it.

I am this perfectly angled moon. 

I am this perfectly angled moon because I have been molded into who I was supposed to be.

I am this perfectly angled moon because my shape is what makes me unique.

I am this perfectly angled moon because people don’t notice my beauty during the day. They wait until I am comfortable. Until I am ready to show them who I am. 

Just like this perfectly angled moon.

The moon is at a perfect angle and is shining through my window. 

It’s absolutely beautiful.

I look at myself in a mirror, and I see my reflection.

It is absolutely beautiful.

 

Photo by Francisco De Legarreta C. on Unsplash

No Strings Attached

No, I don’t mean this as a friends with benefits definition.

What I mean by no strings attached is that I’m free. I’ve spent so much time focusing on settling down, getting married, and popping out a couple of kids and worrying over if it might not happen for me.

It’s been different, it feels great!

I’m doing my own thing, at my own pace. I’m living my life how I want to. If I don’t feel like going out, I can stay in. If I don’t feel like staying in, I can go out. I don’t have any commitments or responsibilities to another person. I don’t have another person breathing down my back and it feels amazing.

Today, I went to pick a friend up. Then we went and hung out at the pool, the mall, we grabbed a bite to eat and her boyfriend joined us, then we went to go see this band in the local park.

It was great. They announced they were going to play Sinatra, and I knew the song and I shout out (it was an unintentionally loud shout) “I LOVE THIS” and I’m pretty sure the entire city of Plymouth heard me because several audience members behind me heard me and laughed a bit. Great times. #I’mawkward.

Anyway, it was a genuinely great day. Again, no expectations. I was free. I am free. I love my freedom and I’m not sure if I want to give that up just yet. I’m just now learning how to embrace being young, being the best person I can possibly be, and enjoying my time now.

My time is now.

I started writing poetry/spoken word again, and that feels great. I have missed writing. I might even go to an open mic some time and perform my stuff.

It’s days like today that keep me going. That keep me pushing. I am able to do literally whatever I want. As long as it’s legal, of course.

I’ve wasted so much time already because it took me 21 years to figure this out. But that’s okay because I’m still young. I still learned this before it was too late. I still have time to figure me out, but reality is, I will never figure me out entirely.

Does anybody figure out who they are entirely?

Photo by Maurice Schalker on Unsplash

How I Almost Lost My Sanity And How I Got It Back

The last couple months have been terrible.

I don’t want to get into any specifics, but I will say this.

I didn’t want to do anything and I was missing out on life.

I wanted to wake up and hit snooze every chance I had. Even though I would tell myself I wanted to be more productive.

My uncle passed away a few weeks ago. I drove out to PA to go see him (with my brother of course). I had to call off of work, which I hated doing.

I was depressed and I didn’t even realize it.

I didn’t want to keep up with the blog.

I enjoyed time with friends, but all I did was complain about how much I hated my job.

Then it happened. I had a mental breakdown. I had to make a tough decision and do what was best for me.

I was able to be with my friends, not complain about anything (for the first time in awhile), and even joke around and laugh. One of my friends even said that I was smiling so much it was beginning to creep him out.

I found out some things that I should have never found out. But I realized that God had meant for me to find those things out because He knew that I wasn’t in a good place.

He knew that I needed better, and he helped me get to that point.

God is there if you listen. God was there when I had some conversations with a few close friends and my stepmom.

The only thing I had to do was listen to the advice that was given. Which isn’t always easy.

Reality is, nothing is easy. Life is full of choices. Sometimes easy ones, mostly hard ones.

Acts 8:26-29 says “Now an angel of the Lord said to Phillip, go South to the road-the desert road-that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza. So he started out, and on his way he met an Ethiopian eunuch, an important official in charge of all the treasury of the Kandake. This man had gone to Jerusalem to worship and on his way home he was sitting in his chariot reading the Book of Isaiah the prophet. The spirit told Phillip, go to that chariot and stay near it.”

We talked about this story a few weeks ago at my church group. God had told Phillip to approach someone and have a conversation with someone at this chariot. A man that Phillip had never met, that he didn’t even know. I can’t say what was running through Phillips mine but I know that I would never be able to approach a random person and start having a conversation with them.

However, Phillip obeyed. And great things came out of it (you should read the full story!) because Phillip had obeyed.

I was in the same situation with different circumstances.

However, like Phillip, I had to listen to the advice that was given to me. If you ask for advice, but don’t listen to it, chances are the results are going to be disastrous. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

My point is, if you put yourself first once in awhile and do whats best for you, you’ll be better off. You’ll be a lot happier, you’ll appreciate things on a level much deeper than you could ever comprehend.

I’m not missing my brothers graduation.

I’m going to Cedar Point.

I refuse to miss out on my own life.

Photo by Dmitry Ratushny on Unsplash

 

 

 

I Have $86,400

There’s this person I’ve been following on facebook. His name is Jay Shetty and he lived as a monk for a few years.

I was watching one of his videos and he made an analogy.

“Imagine if every day, $86,400 was deposited into your bank account and at the end of the day, that $86,400 disappeared but you’d wake up with another $86,400 was deposited. How would you spend it? Every day, we have 86,400 seconds and we can’t get it back” (to watch the actual video, click here).

It’s not quite verbatim, but pretty close.

I used to love sleeping in until mid-late afternoon. Usually 1, 2, sometimes even 3 pm. After watching that video? I feel weird sleeping in. I feel like I’m wasting my day.

Yesterday was a good day. I got everything accomplished that I wanted to get accomplished. It felt really good seeing things crossed off in my planner. I felt accomplished. I felt like it was a good day and my mood was overall better.

Today, that didn’t happen. I woke up an hour before I had to work. Didn’t get anything done. No readings, no blogging (until now) just nothing. I felt like crap.

I noticed a change because I had made myself more productive yesterday. I liked the feeling that came with it. Today, I didn’t have that feeling because I wanted to hit the snooze button one last time, and that lasted for 6 hours. (I wanted to be up by 8 AM but didn’t actually wake up until 2 PM).

I also prayed yesterday. Prayed that I would have the strength to get up that early, and that I would have the motivation, and that work would be easy. And it was. I had the strength, the motivation, and work was relatively easy.

Today I didn’t. I realize how important that is for me to do.

If I want more productive days, I have to force myself to wake up even if I don’t want to. I don’t want to waste that $86,400.

Photo by Olga DeLawrence on Unsplash

Let’s Talk Emotions

I’m a little over a month in my journey with sobriety. And I can honestly say that this has been the most emotional month I’ve had in a while..probably because I’m sober. I feel things, I feel things on a deep level. That’s one of the many reasons why I drank.

I’m going to be honest, it sucks. It sucks so hard. One minute I’m crying at a table and an hour later I’m smiling, laughing, and nobody would have guessed I had a mental breakdown that hour beforehand.

However, the more people I talk to in recovery, the more I realize this is normal. Our emotions are going to be over the place. We’re going to be sensitive at first, we’re going to get irritated more easily than others because we aren’t drinking our feelings away.

All I can say is don’t give up.

I feel like I’m walking on an earthquake about to slip through the cracks. I’m hanging on to one tiny piece of rope. That rope is everything I want to be. Everything I’m striving to be. That rope is what is saving my life right now and I can’t let go of it, not yet. If I let go, then I fall to my death. That’s not what I want.

Sobriety isn’t easy. Giving in to a power greater than yourself isn’t easy. But things that we’re destined for aren’t meant to be easy. People can’t progress if they don’t want to put in the work.

My parents worry about me-alot. It irritates me because I am an adult. I have freedoms I didn’t have when I was 16. Them worrying is annoying. But it’s their job as a parent. One parent is 300 miles away and worries. It’s frustrating, I don’t like it. I work afternoons. So I’m most active at night and in the late afternoon. I have to be careful to not wake my Dad up when I’m coming home at 2-3 in the morning.

He gets irritated because I’m coming home so late. He works a 9 to 5 monday-friday type job, gets up earlier, and goes to bed earlier. I don’t have that right now so my schedule is backwards.

Little things like that make me so mad. But someone said to me “How would you feel if you guys didn’t fight over what time you were coming home? How would you feel if they couldn’t worry anymore?” and honestly, that changed my perspective and I became less irritated.

In our journey in sobriety advances, our emotions are going to be scattered and we’re not going to know how to deal. The beautiful thing is we don’t have to deal with it all at once. The key to it though is perspective. There are so many different outlooks on life, and it’s our choice to choose which outlook we want. We can choose to live positively, or we can choose to live negatively. It’s up to us.

If you feel like me, you aren’t alone. It’s normal, but don’t ever give up. Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens.

Photo by Alex Wigan on Unsplash