Tag Archives: living

The Thing Beneath The Thing

Today, for the first time in a few months, I went to church. I’m glad I did. I had a breakdown Friday night while I was with friends. I felt like I didn’t belong, that nobody cared, and that I wasn’t good enough.

Today, the pastor talked about just that and he called it “The Thing Beneath the Thing” and he used a pretty awesome metaphor to describe it.

The big thing right now is potholes. They’re everywhere and some of these potholes are turning into major sinkholes causing accidents, and even fatalities all across America. Construction companies are just re-patching them and re-paving them but the problem lies within underground pipes that are leaking which is what causes these potholes that are turning into sinkholes. He did an extensive amount of research on it.

Re patching and re-paving are only a temporary fix to a recurring problem. He used this metaphor to compare it with grace. We sprinkle a little grace on whatever is going on in our lives and call it a day. But sometimes we have to dig deeper. We have to figure out the thing beneath the thing. Once we do that, we can properly fix our “potholes” so they don’t turn into major “sinkholes.”

I wish I could say that every Christian turns to God whenever things get rough. When depression hits, when we’ve taken prescription pills or blow through a fifth a night. But reality is we don’t. We get so hung up on being sad all the time that we don’t want to lean into God and trust his word. And if you say you do, if you lean into God EVERY¬†time ¬†something goes wrong in your life, then you’re lying.

Sometimes, we become addicted to the sadness. Sometimes, we can’t just let go and let God.

I’ve been a walking zombie for the last couple months. I haven’t picked up my bible. I know I should, I know I should lean into His word more, but I’ve become addicted to the sadness. I’ve learned what co-dependency is and realized that I am very co-dependent. With that, I have identified my “pothole” and can properly fix it.

He wants us to lean into him when we get sad or upset. He wants us to lean into Him when we have hit a pothole in our lives, but it’s hard. Sometimes it’s easier said than done.

The pastor then started talking about Peter, and I could relate. Peter sometimes did what God wanted him to do, and other times he didn’t. Why? I don’t know. I haven’t read 1 Peter just yet, but when I do, I’m sure I can figure it out.

In 1 Peter 5:7 it flat out says what we should do. “Casting all your anxieties on Him, because he cares for you.”

When Adam and Eve took a bite of the forbidden apple their initial reaction was to literally hide from God. They were ashamed, they felt guilty.

We are hiding behind the real reason why we feel the way that we feel. Everyday events trigger us, igniting a fight or flight response and I can’t speak to you, but when that kicks in I immediately go into flight. I’ve learned how to manage it better, but I haven’t been able to overcome going into flight mode. That’s something only God can do. I am hiding from the thing beneath the thing and I can’t hide forever.

 

Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash

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No Strings Attached

No, I don’t mean this as a friends with benefits definition.

What I mean by no strings attached is that I’m free. I’ve spent so much time focusing on settling down, getting married, and popping out a couple of kids and worrying over if it might not happen for me.

It’s been different, it feels great!

I’m doing my own thing, at my own pace. I’m living my life how I want to. If I don’t feel like going out, I can stay in. If I don’t feel like staying in, I can go out. I don’t have any commitments or responsibilities to another person. I don’t have another person breathing down my back and it feels amazing.

Today, I went to pick a friend up. Then we went and hung out at the pool, the mall, we grabbed a bite to eat and her boyfriend joined us, then we went to go see this band in the local park.

It was great. They announced they were going to play Sinatra, and I knew the song and I shout out (it was an unintentionally loud shout) “I LOVE THIS” and I’m pretty sure the entire city of Plymouth heard me because several audience members behind me heard me and laughed a bit. Great times. #I’mawkward.

Anyway, it was a genuinely great day. Again, no expectations. I was free. I am free. I love my freedom and I’m not sure if I want to give that up just yet. I’m just now learning how to embrace being young, being the best person I can possibly be, and enjoying my time now.

My time is now.

I started writing poetry/spoken word again, and that feels great. I have missed writing. I might even go to an open mic some time and perform my stuff.

It’s days like today that keep me going. That keep me pushing. I am able to do literally whatever I want. As long as it’s legal, of course.

I’ve wasted so much time already because it took me 21 years to figure this out. But that’s okay because I’m still young. I still learned this before it was too late. I still have time to figure me out, but reality is, I will never figure me out entirely.

Does anybody figure out who they are entirely?

Photo by Maurice Schalker on Unsplash

Let’s Talk Cedar Point!

Last blog post I left y’all off with me quitting my job and not missing my brothers graduation and me going to cedar point last Tuesday.

I did. I rode rides like I didn’t believe I would.

I started with the millennium force, steel vengeance, and the magnum. I could have ridden more, I just don’t remember everything I rode. My eyes were closed for just about all of it and I’m gripping onto the safety bars, it wasn’t until I rode the magnum that I really opened my eyes and flew my hands into the air.

I want to talk about one particular ride-Steel Vengeance. I almost had a panic attack on that one. The drop, the twists, and the turns. Not my thing. Halfway through I was about ready to scream I want off, I want off. I didn’t though.

By the time I got off, I was a bit shaken up, but I overcame it.

I may not have completely gotten over my fear of heights and things, but I feel like I’ve reached a point where I can tell myself that I will be okay.

And I will be okay.

Whatever life throws at me, I can take. Whatever life throws at me I’ll hit it back to life so hard that she’ll need to have surgery.

Ever since that trip to Cedar Point, life has been different. I can’t really describe it. I’ve been more confident, more productive, just a new found freedom that was a result from letting my fears go and trusting God.

For example: I am not stressing about work anymore. I can do things in my free time and actually want to do them because I’m not stressing so much. Yesterday, I got off work at 8:30 at night and I went to the car wash and cleaned my car out. Then I had dinner with a friend, went to a meeting, and came home. I cleaned my room. And I don’t mean picking up dirty clothes and putting the clean clothes away. I mean emptying out my dresser drawers, re-folding everything, and putting them away in an organized fashion.

Going through my “junk drawers” and pitching things I don’t need, and organizing what I do need. Re-hanging pictures. It’s great!

Today, I woke up and did laundry because I need a work uniform by 4:30 pm so I can be at work by 5.

Life is like a roller coaster. It has it’s ups, it’s downs, its turns, and its twist. but somehow, someway, by the grace of God, we all turn out to be okay.

 

Hold Them Tight

What a crazy weekend. It all started on Wednesday. I have a family member that isn’t doing too well, and my brother asked if we could go see him this weekend.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to go. How am I going to pay for gas? How am I going to get out of work? How am I going to do this? How am I going to do that?

Surrounded by some close friends, they help guided me.

I called my boss and essentially told him what was going on. I felt bad because ever since I got the job it’s been one thing after another and I was worried about what he would think.

So we left Wednesday night and got here Thursday morning. It’s about a 5 hour drive from where I live to where my uncle lives. We got to see him today (Friday). And I’m glad we did. I made the right choice.

My boss will get over it. It’s not like I took the weekend off to go gamble, drink, and drug. No.

Family is important to me and I refuse to make the same mistake I did with my piano teacher.

I will never let my job come before my family.

Time is free, but we’re limited. We all have our own personal hourglass. We may think we have time, but God has our times planned.

Hold your loved ones close, make amends with those you care about, and spend as much time with them as you possibly can. We don’t have forever. We aren’t invincible and we aren’t immortal.

Pray. Live. Laugh. Love. Cherish.

God has a plan for everyone, do you know what yours is?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

A Night of Reflection

Tonight I’m taking time. I’m taking time to pray and realize all that God has done for me. Tonight was the last night of my impaired driving course. Let me rewind.

8:20 AM: Got up for work.

9:30 Got to Work

9:45 get into an argument with my stepmom over our dog. This was probably the hardest part of my day but I can say that I tried my best to keep calm and didn’t say anything out of anger. I owned up to my wrongdoings, and I didn’t make excuses. This was a big accomplishment for me.

Being that my day started off so crummy, it could only go up from there. Fast forward to 6:30. I’m in my impaired driving class. It’s my last night and the instructor asks me what I have learned.

In the past 6 weeks, I have learned so much. I grew closer with God (and continuing to do so), realized that me going out was a bit excessive. I was going out 5-6 nights a week. Not necessarily getting drunk but avoiding responsibility. I didn’t see the error of my ways, I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong, but this class showed me that I wasn’t doing something right either.

I’ve learned how to be safe when I do go out. Granted this should have been a given, but some lessons were meant to be learned the hard way. If not for my DUI, I would still be doing what I was doing. I wouldn’t have learned anything.

I’ve started establishing relationships with a friend that I had truly cared about. He was trying to help me all along but I was so stuck in my ways I didn’t want it, when really I did.

I also learned to decipher when I should be drinking and when I shouldn’t. I’ve learned that drinking at social events and get togethers is ok and I must do it responsibly. If I feel that I can’t drink responsibly, then I shouldn’t drink at all. I also shouldn’t drink to masquerade my feelings.

I’m so thankful that God put me on this challenging journey. The growth I have experienced is amazing. I can finally say that I’m happy. I can say that today? I didn’t just survive, I lived.

I look forward to continuing to share my journey with all of you. I’m one step closer to God and one step closer to freedom.