Tag Archives: Lifestyle

Depression Isn’t Crying All the Time

I’ve been fighting this battle for 8 years.

I’m so sick of people telling me that it’s going to get better. I’m sick of people telling me that it will all work out.

I’m sick of people trying to tell me to rely on God.

Praying, reading the Bible, and listening to God isn’t what’s going to get my bills paid. It’s not going to make me feel better.

Depression isn’t crying all the time. Depression is isolating yourself, your own brain convincing you that nobody cares, that nobody wants you around, etc.

Depression is wanting to do nothing but sleep all day.

Depression is feeling emotionally numb and socially detached.

Depression is mustering up the energy just to wake up, shower, and look decent.

I realized I know nothing about God. I’ve learned that there’s a fine line between acknowledging who he is, and actually having faith. I’ve realized that I just acknowledge his existence.

I know I should be doing these things. Just a few months ago I was on fire for this. I had given my testimony, started this blog, and reading. However, I was reading something I didn’t fully understand.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in two months and I’ve made the decision to go back onto anti depressants. However, just because I am on medication DOES NOT mean that I am not allowed to have a bad day.

Just because I have a bad day DOES NOT mean that I am not taking my medication. I want to make that perfectly clear.

I want to be a better daughter. A better friend. A better Christian. One that actually has faith and not just acknowledges that God sent his one and only son down on earth to be crucified for all of mankind.

I don’t want to fight with my Dad all the time. I want to be useful for something. I don’t want to have to keep relying on the bottle to help make me feel better temporarily.

But I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. If something happened. If I get into a car accident on my way home one night and died before the paramedics got there, I wouldn’t care. But I’m not going to commit suicide. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I refuse to put my parents through that.

I didn’t ask to be born, but I was. And that I do have to deal with. I have to deal with my own existence. I shouldn’t have to “deal with my own existence” I should want to live.

I don’t have any other vices left. Things that used to make me happy, no longer make me happy.

I don’t want to play my piano. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to talk to my family (sorry Mom, Granny, Dad, and Grandma. It’s not you).

Depression is a deep well that you have to climb yourself out of. However, right now, I can’t climb out.

Depression is walking in the middle of an Earthquake, but you’re slipping through the cracks and you have nothing to hold on to. My ground started out unsteady, but it’s turning into a full sized earthquake that I can’t stop.

The only person I can trust right now is my sponsor, and that alone was a hard thing to do.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

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Difficult Roads Lead to Beautiful Destinations

The title of this blog comes from my sobriety app. Today wasn’t a good day, but it wasn’t a bad one either.

My goal was to be up by 9:00 AM. I was going to do my readings and then hit a meeting. However, I slept until 11 and was a few minutes late to the meeting, and I felt bad for being late but that’s okay.

During the meeting, I had said something. And someone thanked me for saying what I had said because it just reminded them of what they need to remind themselves and that felt amazing. I guess I did something right.

I came home, and had some stressors but I talked to someone about it and decided to do something to get me out of myself. I called a friend for advice, and followed the advice that was given. I did some housework, took care of the pets, meditated, and left for work. Not really looking forward to the 10 hour shift, however I did my best to stay out of that mindset. The stressor that was there before had gone away.

I always had something to focus on while at work. And I would say I was pretty productive.

We got insanely busy towards the end before we closed, but somehow, someway I managed to keep calm. Normally I’d start stressing out and get really irritated, but I didn’t.

We had some extra help tonight, and I was super thankful for that. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have gotten out at 3 AM. Granted, it didn’t matter to me what time we got out because either way there was always a plus side. If we didn’t have extra help, that would be more money in my pocket. Since we did have extra help, we got out a lot sooner than what we would have been.

Even had a few familiar faces come through. It was pleasant.

I just came home and to my surprise, I came home and my ceiling fan was working. So thanks dad. I don’t know what you did (it hasn’t been working ever since we moved in to the place we live at now).

Plus, I successfully came into the house and didn’t wake anybody up. So that was nice. Otherwise we would have had a problem. Well, I would of had a problem.

I have so much to be thankful for. Tonight would have been a night where I’d want something to drink. I had a long (but productive) day and felt that I would have deserved something. But to be completely honest, I’m way too tired to deal with that.

I need to start my readings up again soon, and I plan to. My main focus right now is not hitting the snooze button 20,000 times before waking up.

I’m thankful for today. I thank God for keeping me sober today.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

The Thing Beneath The Thing

Today, for the first time in a few months, I went to church. I’m glad I did. I had a breakdown Friday night while I was with friends. I felt like I didn’t belong, that nobody cared, and that I wasn’t good enough.

Today, the pastor talked about just that and he called it “The Thing Beneath the Thing” and he used a pretty awesome metaphor to describe it.

The big thing right now is potholes. They’re everywhere and some of these potholes are turning into major sinkholes causing accidents, and even fatalities all across America. Construction companies are just re-patching them and re-paving them but the problem lies within underground pipes that are leaking which is what causes these potholes that are turning into sinkholes. He did an extensive amount of research on it.

Re patching and re-paving are only a temporary fix to a recurring problem. He used this metaphor to compare it with grace. We sprinkle a little grace on whatever is going on in our lives and call it a day. But sometimes we have to dig deeper. We have to figure out the thing beneath the thing. Once we do that, we can properly fix our “potholes” so they don’t turn into major “sinkholes.”

I wish I could say that every Christian turns to God whenever things get rough. When depression hits, when we’ve taken prescription pills or blow through a fifth a night. But reality is we don’t. We get so hung up on being sad all the time that we don’t want to lean into God and trust his word. And if you say you do, if you lean into God EVERY time  something goes wrong in your life, then you’re lying.

Sometimes, we become addicted to the sadness. Sometimes, we can’t just let go and let God.

I’ve been a walking zombie for the last couple months. I haven’t picked up my bible. I know I should, I know I should lean into His word more, but I’ve become addicted to the sadness. I’ve learned what co-dependency is and realized that I am very co-dependent. With that, I have identified my “pothole” and can properly fix it.

He wants us to lean into him when we get sad or upset. He wants us to lean into Him when we have hit a pothole in our lives, but it’s hard. Sometimes it’s easier said than done.

The pastor then started talking about Peter, and I could relate. Peter sometimes did what God wanted him to do, and other times he didn’t. Why? I don’t know. I haven’t read 1 Peter just yet, but when I do, I’m sure I can figure it out.

In 1 Peter 5:7 it flat out says what we should do. “Casting all your anxieties on Him, because he cares for you.”

When Adam and Eve took a bite of the forbidden apple their initial reaction was to literally hide from God. They were ashamed, they felt guilty.

We are hiding behind the real reason why we feel the way that we feel. Everyday events trigger us, igniting a fight or flight response and I can’t speak to you, but when that kicks in I immediately go into flight. I’ve learned how to manage it better, but I haven’t been able to overcome going into flight mode. That’s something only God can do. I am hiding from the thing beneath the thing and I can’t hide forever.

 

Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash

The Perfectly Angled Moon

The moon is at a perfect angle and is shining through my window. 

It’s absolutely beautiful. 

The crickets, the silence, the peace.

The shadow of everything at rest.

I realized that I was missing out on it.

I was finishing my nightly Netflix binge and was going to go straight to bed

before I saw this perfectly angled moon, and everything else I noticed along with it.

The crickets are in perfect harmony and the peace comes with the silence just like the clouds come with the rain. In this moment, I realize that nobody is telling them when to harmonize or when to appear. They just know.

And I realize that I am just like them. 

I am the chorus of crickets that I hear. Because my life is intertwined with other people. It is complete with other people. 

I am the peace that comes with the silence. Because I have the power to be at peace if I really choose to. 

When my work has been done for the day, I don’t have to stress. I can sit and admire this perfectly angled moon and everything that comes with it.

I am this perfectly angled moon. 

I am this perfectly angled moon because I have been molded into who I was supposed to be.

I am this perfectly angled moon because my shape is what makes me unique.

I am this perfectly angled moon because people don’t notice my beauty during the day. They wait until I am comfortable. Until I am ready to show them who I am. 

Just like this perfectly angled moon.

The moon is at a perfect angle and is shining through my window. 

It’s absolutely beautiful.

I look at myself in a mirror, and I see my reflection.

It is absolutely beautiful.

 

Photo by Francisco De Legarreta C. on Unsplash

How I Almost Lost My Sanity And How I Got It Back

The last couple months have been terrible.

I don’t want to get into any specifics, but I will say this.

I didn’t want to do anything and I was missing out on life.

I wanted to wake up and hit snooze every chance I had. Even though I would tell myself I wanted to be more productive.

My uncle passed away a few weeks ago. I drove out to PA to go see him (with my brother of course). I had to call off of work, which I hated doing.

I was depressed and I didn’t even realize it.

I didn’t want to keep up with the blog.

I enjoyed time with friends, but all I did was complain about how much I hated my job.

Then it happened. I had a mental breakdown. I had to make a tough decision and do what was best for me.

I was able to be with my friends, not complain about anything (for the first time in awhile), and even joke around and laugh. One of my friends even said that I was smiling so much it was beginning to creep him out.

I found out some things that I should have never found out. But I realized that God had meant for me to find those things out because He knew that I wasn’t in a good place.

He knew that I needed better, and he helped me get to that point.

God is there if you listen. God was there when I had some conversations with a few close friends and my stepmom.

The only thing I had to do was listen to the advice that was given. Which isn’t always easy.

Reality is, nothing is easy. Life is full of choices. Sometimes easy ones, mostly hard ones.

Acts 8:26-29 says “Now an angel of the Lord said to Phillip, go South to the road-the desert road-that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza. So he started out, and on his way he met an Ethiopian eunuch, an important official in charge of all the treasury of the Kandake. This man had gone to Jerusalem to worship and on his way home he was sitting in his chariot reading the Book of Isaiah the prophet. The spirit told Phillip, go to that chariot and stay near it.”

We talked about this story a few weeks ago at my church group. God had told Phillip to approach someone and have a conversation with someone at this chariot. A man that Phillip had never met, that he didn’t even know. I can’t say what was running through Phillips mine but I know that I would never be able to approach a random person and start having a conversation with them.

However, Phillip obeyed. And great things came out of it (you should read the full story!) because Phillip had obeyed.

I was in the same situation with different circumstances.

However, like Phillip, I had to listen to the advice that was given to me. If you ask for advice, but don’t listen to it, chances are the results are going to be disastrous. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

My point is, if you put yourself first once in awhile and do whats best for you, you’ll be better off. You’ll be a lot happier, you’ll appreciate things on a level much deeper than you could ever comprehend.

I’m not missing my brothers graduation.

I’m going to Cedar Point.

I refuse to miss out on my own life.

Photo by Dmitry Ratushny on Unsplash

 

 

 

I Have $86,400

There’s this person I’ve been following on facebook. His name is Jay Shetty and he lived as a monk for a few years.

I was watching one of his videos and he made an analogy.

“Imagine if every day, $86,400 was deposited into your bank account and at the end of the day, that $86,400 disappeared but you’d wake up with another $86,400 was deposited. How would you spend it? Every day, we have 86,400 seconds and we can’t get it back” (to watch the actual video, click here).

It’s not quite verbatim, but pretty close.

I used to love sleeping in until mid-late afternoon. Usually 1, 2, sometimes even 3 pm. After watching that video? I feel weird sleeping in. I feel like I’m wasting my day.

Yesterday was a good day. I got everything accomplished that I wanted to get accomplished. It felt really good seeing things crossed off in my planner. I felt accomplished. I felt like it was a good day and my mood was overall better.

Today, that didn’t happen. I woke up an hour before I had to work. Didn’t get anything done. No readings, no blogging (until now) just nothing. I felt like crap.

I noticed a change because I had made myself more productive yesterday. I liked the feeling that came with it. Today, I didn’t have that feeling because I wanted to hit the snooze button one last time, and that lasted for 6 hours. (I wanted to be up by 8 AM but didn’t actually wake up until 2 PM).

I also prayed yesterday. Prayed that I would have the strength to get up that early, and that I would have the motivation, and that work would be easy. And it was. I had the strength, the motivation, and work was relatively easy.

Today I didn’t. I realize how important that is for me to do.

If I want more productive days, I have to force myself to wake up even if I don’t want to. I don’t want to waste that $86,400.

Photo by Olga DeLawrence on Unsplash

Something Greater than Yourself Does Exist

We are human. We want to believe that we are the center of the universe. We expect people to serve us left, right, up, down and sideways. We expect to get what we want, when we want, how we want it.

THAT IS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS.

If you want to recover from your alcoholism/addiction, the pride and the selfishness has to go. It’s a lot easier said than done, trust me, I’ve been there. However, if I can do it, then you can do it. You just have to want it.

We have to admit defeat. As someone once told me at a table, self will doesn’t cure self will. But God’s will? His will, and only His will can cure self will.

Honestly, it’s because of God and his grace that I’ve stayed relatively sane these last couple of months. It’s been one thing after another, yet I’m still sober, and I’m still ok.

If I wasn’t sober, well then I can say without a doubt that the outcome of things would have been a lot worse.

I’m not worried about things. I’m not worried about life. I’m calm. If you truly want to be sober, I pray that you come to believe in a power greater than yourself. Once you do that, you’ll find that life as so much more to offer. That you’ve been blessed and didn’t even realize it. You’ll realize what the real solution to your problems are.

To give you an example: If you’ve read my other blog posts, you’d know that a few weeks ago I got into an accident and totaled my car. This was a trigger for me. I wanted a drink so badly. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Instead of going to the bar, violating probation and drinking my income away, I talked to people.

The next day, I called my bank. Because of the credit I’ve been building, I was approved for a loan to get a new vehicle and by the end of that day, I was driving home with a new car. Well, not brand new, but new to me.

I could have drank. If I did, then I probably to this day would still be without a car. God had everything planned for me from the start. It was a test. A test that I believe I passed.

It all worked out. It always will if you come to believe in a power greater than yourself.

I grew up Catholic and left the church for a really long time. I believed that there was something out there, but didn’t acknowledge that presence. I’m acknowledging it here and now.

My higher power is God. Your higher power doesn’t have to be. I am a Christian, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. Open mindedness and willingness are key. I respect other beliefs. Because the world doesn’t revolve around me.

Photo by NASA on Unsplash