Tag Archives: learning

The Thing Beneath The Thing

Today, for the first time in a few months, I went to church. I’m glad I did. I had a breakdown Friday night while I was with friends. I felt like I didn’t belong, that nobody cared, and that I wasn’t good enough.

Today, the pastor talked about just that and he called it “The Thing Beneath the Thing” and he used a pretty awesome metaphor to describe it.

The big thing right now is potholes. They’re everywhere and some of these potholes are turning into major sinkholes causing accidents, and even fatalities all across America. Construction companies are just re-patching them and re-paving them but the problem lies within underground pipes that are leaking which is what causes these potholes that are turning into sinkholes. He did an extensive amount of research on it.

Re patching and re-paving are only a temporary fix to a recurring problem. He used this metaphor to compare it with grace. We sprinkle a little grace on whatever is going on in our lives and call it a day. But sometimes we have to dig deeper. We have to figure out the thing beneath the thing. Once we do that, we can properly fix our “potholes” so they don’t turn into major “sinkholes.”

I wish I could say that every Christian turns to God whenever things get rough. When depression hits, when we’ve taken prescription pills or blow through a fifth a night. But reality is we don’t. We get so hung up on being sad all the time that we don’t want to lean into God and trust his word. And if you say you do, if you lean into God EVERY time  something goes wrong in your life, then you’re lying.

Sometimes, we become addicted to the sadness. Sometimes, we can’t just let go and let God.

I’ve been a walking zombie for the last couple months. I haven’t picked up my bible. I know I should, I know I should lean into His word more, but I’ve become addicted to the sadness. I’ve learned what co-dependency is and realized that I am very co-dependent. With that, I have identified my “pothole” and can properly fix it.

He wants us to lean into him when we get sad or upset. He wants us to lean into Him when we have hit a pothole in our lives, but it’s hard. Sometimes it’s easier said than done.

The pastor then started talking about Peter, and I could relate. Peter sometimes did what God wanted him to do, and other times he didn’t. Why? I don’t know. I haven’t read 1 Peter just yet, but when I do, I’m sure I can figure it out.

In 1 Peter 5:7 it flat out says what we should do. “Casting all your anxieties on Him, because he cares for you.”

When Adam and Eve took a bite of the forbidden apple their initial reaction was to literally hide from God. They were ashamed, they felt guilty.

We are hiding behind the real reason why we feel the way that we feel. Everyday events trigger us, igniting a fight or flight response and I can’t speak to you, but when that kicks in I immediately go into flight. I’ve learned how to manage it better, but I haven’t been able to overcome going into flight mode. That’s something only God can do. I am hiding from the thing beneath the thing and I can’t hide forever.


Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash


Hold Them Tight

What a crazy weekend. It all started on Wednesday. I have a family member that isn’t doing too well, and my brother asked if we could go see him this weekend.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to go. How am I going to pay for gas? How am I going to get out of work? How am I going to do this? How am I going to do that?

Surrounded by some close friends, they help guided me.

I called my boss and essentially told him what was going on. I felt bad because ever since I got the job it’s been one thing after another and I was worried about what he would think.

So we left Wednesday night and got here Thursday morning. It’s about a 5 hour drive from where I live to where my uncle lives. We got to see him today (Friday). And I’m glad we did. I made the right choice.

My boss will get over it. It’s not like I took the weekend off to go gamble, drink, and drug. No.

Family is important to me and I refuse to make the same mistake I did with my piano teacher.

I will never let my job come before my family.

Time is free, but we’re limited. We all have our own personal hourglass. We may think we have time, but God has our times planned.

Hold your loved ones close, make amends with those you care about, and spend as much time with them as you possibly can. We don’t have forever. We aren’t invincible and we aren’t immortal.

Pray. Live. Laugh. Love. Cherish.

God has a plan for everyone, do you know what yours is?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

I’m Drunk! On Gods Love That Is

Tonight was incredible. It was worship night at my church group. Just singing. Praising. Worshipping.

In that moment, the ground that I was walking on was steady. The earthquake stopped. And the waters were calm.

For the first time, I felt drunk. But not in the usual sense of the word. I was feeling serenity, calm, love, joy, happiness.

I was singing and I meant every word I was singing.

There were no doubts. There was no fear. There was no worry. For the first time in awhile, I truly felt ok.

I wasn’t thinking about work. I wasn’t thinking about what’s going to happen with my license (if anything). I wasn’t running through the list I have in my head over and over again like I usually do.

I felt close to God. I felt close with God. I felt close with the people I was with, and I felt like I belonged.

I’m still not dreading work like I usually do. Maybe it’s because I actually look forward to things on my off days now. Maybe it’s because I got my planner and planned my week out.

Maybe it’s because I started reading again. I don’t know the answer, nor do I want to know the answer. I just hope that this feeling stays. I’m drunk on Gods love and I’m loving the feeling.

Something that not even a bottle of tequila could do. I’m glad I started this journey and I’m glad that I started taking it seriously. Not focused on anything but myself. Which may sound selfish, but it’s teaching me how to be selfless.

I don’t feel as closed off anymore. I’m opening up a little bit at a time. For the first time, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash

You Have To Work!

This is a pretty safe statement. Nobody can earn anything for you, you have to earn it. And to earn it, you MUST work hard. Nobody else can work for you, you have to work for you. Nobody can make you change, you MUST want to change. When you want to change, we’ll be here, cheering you on, encouraging you, and guiding you.

We may not be able to change you, but we can help you when you’re ready to change. We can do this by offering advice when needed, we can be an empathetic friend who understands what you’re going through, and we can hold you accountable.

There is a catch though. That catch is (if I haven’t said this before) you have to WANT it, and once you WANT it, you MUST work.

One of the reasons why I love the whole sponsor idea is because they’re basically your accountability partner. However, you must be willing to WANT to find your own sponsor. A sponsor isn’t going to walk up to you and say “Hey, do you need a sponsor?” They will make themselves known, but you have to be the one to make that choice.

However, there is something I feel like you need to know. It doesn’t matter how far down the rabbit hole you have gone, you are still WORTHY of change. You are still WORTHY of recovery. You are still WORTHY of God’s grace.

The only thing you have to do, is REACH for it and take it. It’s there for YOU to take.

Photo by Green Chameleon on Unsplash

What I’ve Learned About Having Friends

I almost didn’t want to blog tonight. I had gotten off of work at midnight, and came home at about 12:30 greeted by a wonderful headache. I say that sarcastically.

However, I felt weird going to bed before I finished up my readings for the day. I felt weird going to bed before I blogged about what’s on my mind.

I’ve started reading this book called “Becoming Myself” by Stasi Eldredge. I’m about halfway through, but tonights chapter hit me hard.

It was about friendship. Good qualities, bad qualities, do’s and don’ts, letting people go because you love them. Letting people go because you’re selfless.

This book was written for women, christian women. This chapter, about friendship, got me thinking about the last few years of my life.

In middle school and high school, I had a small group of friends. Men and women. As we got older, our schedules changed, some of us drifted apart. Some of us stabbed the other in the back. I fell victim to this.

A few months ago, who I thought was my “best friend” had unfriended me from facebook. Granted it has been awhile since we talked (I’ll get more into that here in a bit), but I still enjoyed seeing what was going on in her life through her posts. Without a word, she was gone.

This hurt, really bad. This made me not trust women at all. This made me scared to trust women, so I found comfort in the fellowship of men (this all happened before I became saved). They were amazing! They listened, offered advice (which was convenient when I had a crush on some guy, they could give me a man’s perspective on what they do if they like a girl). However, there were still some things I couldn’t talk to them about. Sure, they’d give me chocolate when I needed it (ladies, you know what I’m talking about). However, I still longed for that closeness with a woman. I still longed for that close friendship with a woman. I let my guard of trust get in the way of that.

Even when I did have friends in high school, I put expectations on them (which was a HUGE mistake). I thought that if they didn’t text me or call me every single day, it automatically meant that they didn’t care. It took a long time for me to learn that we don’t have time to sit on our phones and have a conversation all day every day (I know, it’s sad that I even thought that). Though at the time, because it’s what I believed, I rarely talked to anybody. I had that “why bother, they don’t talk to me. If they wanted to talk to me, then they would have.” mentality. It took a long time for me to learn that it’s a two way street and both parties have to be involved.

It also took me a long time for me to learn that having women friends is just as important has having man friends. Let’s be real, if you’re cramping up can you really talk to a guy about that?

The second thing I had to learn was that people will come and go in our lives. It’s a normal thing. Very rarely will we find somebody that will have a lasting friendship. We are meant to let people go, not out of hate, but out of love. Recognizing that we are going separate ways in life, not because we no longer like that person.

Now? Now I have the most amazing set of friends I could have ever asked for. A healthy mix of men and women. Not only are they there for me when I need them, but they also hold me accountable. They are honest, they don’t beat around the bush. It’s so much easier not having to put that “they need to call and/or text me every single day” expectation. Just because they don’t talk to every day, does not automatically mean they don’t care.

Besides, it’s really rare that we talk one on one outside of meeting physically. We have a whole group chat dedicated to that and it’s great.

I thank God everyday for them.

Photo by Chang Duong on Unsplash

How Changing Your Mindset Could Change Your Life

First of all let me say this, my day started off horribly. My paycheck for my job never came through, and as soon as I got to work, I started throwing up. Even though I felt fine after, they thought it best that I be sent home just in case it was something more serious.

So I hung out with a friend, taught him some piano, he taught me guitar, and I helped him get ready for his audition for our church band on Thursday. Then we went out for sushi, and I went to an AA meeting.

There’s so many things I could talk about with what I’ve learned today alone.

I’ll try to narrow it down to the one of the things that hit me the most.

A few days ago, my dad had tagged me in a help wanted ad for something I’m going to school for. My initial thought was, “What’s the point? They probably wouldn’t call me anyway so there’s no use in applying.”

Something inside me switched. Instead of thinking that, I thought “What if I did get the job though?”

So I took a chance and applied. I’m not saying that when I go into work tomorrow I’m going to place all bets on getting this job and putting my two weeks in, but what if I did get that call and it was because I decided to try?

Changing your mindset to have a positive outlook on life can do so many things. You’re not coming up with excuses to not push for something, but rather finding reasons to push for something.

It gives me hope, and hope is what drives me. God didn’t plan for me to live a life full of doubt, fear, and worry. He planned for me to live a life full of love, radiance, and hope. Knowing that everything will be ok.

He is my hope.

Honestly? We could play the what if game all day. I know I’m bad at falling into it. If that was an olympic sport, I’d have a million gold medals. But what if we changed the rules of the “what if” game? What if we pursued God even more? What if we prayed more? What if we read the bible more? What if we actually tried? I promise you the answers are much more positive than if we asked ourselves “What if this doesn’t work?”

What if we didn’t live for us? What if we lived for God?

I realize that there is a possibility that I don’t get this job, and I’m ok. Our problem with society is that we have too many unrealistic expectations. We expect young adults (~20) to have at least one kid. We expect this generation to not go to school and get a higher education. We expect ourselves to work to death to provide for our families. We expect every rugged looking person to be an alcoholic or crackhead. We expect ourselves to put labels on things where no label is necessary.

We think that just because a woman doesn’t meet the current standards of beauty to not be worthy of anything.

We think that just because a man doesn’t meet the current standards of beauty to not be worthy of anything.


Jesus loves you for who you are. No matter what. His love is unconditional. You might think that you’re not a good person, but you are. You have the ability to be a good person. And the phrase “being a good person” is so relative that each person has a different definition for what that may mean.

Instead of not trying, try. Instead of doubting yourself, push yourself. Have faith in yourself. Have faith in God. Trust in Him and Him alone. I promise you if you do that, the results will amaze you. I’ve been amazed. I think that I’ve made more growth in the past 4 months than I have in the past year.

The sky is the limit, but if you really think about it. The sky eventually leads into space. Space is endless. So really, you’re limitless. You can do whatever you want to do if you really push yourself, have faith in yourself, let go, and let God.

A Night of Reflection

Tonight I’m taking time. I’m taking time to pray and realize all that God has done for me. Tonight was the last night of my impaired driving course. Let me rewind.

8:20 AM: Got up for work.

9:30 Got to Work

9:45 get into an argument with my stepmom over our dog. This was probably the hardest part of my day but I can say that I tried my best to keep calm and didn’t say anything out of anger. I owned up to my wrongdoings, and I didn’t make excuses. This was a big accomplishment for me.

Being that my day started off so crummy, it could only go up from there. Fast forward to 6:30. I’m in my impaired driving class. It’s my last night and the instructor asks me what I have learned.

In the past 6 weeks, I have learned so much. I grew closer with God (and continuing to do so), realized that me going out was a bit excessive. I was going out 5-6 nights a week. Not necessarily getting drunk but avoiding responsibility. I didn’t see the error of my ways, I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong, but this class showed me that I wasn’t doing something right either.

I’ve learned how to be safe when I do go out. Granted this should have been a given, but some lessons were meant to be learned the hard way. If not for my DUI, I would still be doing what I was doing. I wouldn’t have learned anything.

I’ve started establishing relationships with a friend that I had truly cared about. He was trying to help me all along but I was so stuck in my ways I didn’t want it, when really I did.

I also learned to decipher when I should be drinking and when I shouldn’t. I’ve learned that drinking at social events and get togethers is ok and I must do it responsibly. If I feel that I can’t drink responsibly, then I shouldn’t drink at all. I also shouldn’t drink to masquerade my feelings.

I’m so thankful that God put me on this challenging journey. The growth I have experienced is amazing. I can finally say that I’m happy. I can say that today? I didn’t just survive, I lived.

I look forward to continuing to share my journey with all of you. I’m one step closer to God and one step closer to freedom.