I don’t even know where to begin right now. This is the first time disclosing my full story.
In December, I got picked up for drinking and driving. I blew a .10 on the field and a .09 at the police station. The courts go by what you blow at the station. The legal limit is .08 just to give you some context.
The charge got dropped to impaired driving. I was sentenced to 6 months non reporting probation, 40 hours of community service, impaired driving classes, and of course the fines. Everything was done by the middle of April, but I was still on probation.
I started attending meetings before my sentencing because I had assumed that the judge would make me do it anyway, however that wasn’t the case.
But I still went. And I made friends. Friends with good people. That was nice.
I even had a sponsor. This got me through.
However, for the last couple of months I didn’t have a sponsor. My former sponsor suggested that I find an additional sponsor because she couldn’t give me the time I deserved. I was a little hurt by that. But I understood. She’s a body builder with kids and a husband. She’s doing what she loves and taking care of her family. She was busy, I get that.
These last few weeks have been emotional. I was conflicted. The “I’m not an alcoholic” thought kept popping into my head. I started detaching from meetings, from my friends, even this blog. I felt that I didn’t belong. I don’t even remember the last time I picked my bible up.
I didn’t have the “I lost my kids, my spouse, my house, my car.” story. I didn’t really lose anything. But I know I couldn’t stop drinking. Once I had one I became so fixated on having more. My stepmom even warned me before I turned 21.
Eventually, I started believing those thoughts. And one of my friends picked up on it. He sensed there was something wrong and I couldn’t bullshit him. Excuse my language.
I let myself believe that I wasn’t an alcoholic because I didn’t have the typical alcoholic story. I woke up this morning and I knew exactly what I was going to get to drink on Monday.
I went to two meetings tonight. And when I went to the second meeting, that’s when God showed up. I was honest with myself. I shared what was going on with me. How I didn’t see the point, how I didn’t lose anything nor had anything to lose. One guy interrupted me and that was the final straw. I walked out.
I got up, and I walked out.
After having a conversation with someone else, that’s when I realized that I had become so fixated on not having the typical alcoholic story. What other people have gone through is what can happen to me if I start drinking again. I know that if I do start drinking again, I won’t be able to stop. I proved that to myself time and time again before I got the DUI in December.
It wasn’t until then that something clicked again. That was my reset button. I drank because I was lonely. Yet the void was only being temporarily filled. It was nothing permanent, it will never be permanent. Sure you feel great, temporarily. But the morning after sucks. It will always suck.
I’m still not sure on how to cope with the loneliness. I could be with friends and still feel lonely. I guess that’s something God will reveal to me when he’s ready. I guess that’s something I’ll have to pray about.
After today, I feel like I’m back at square 1. I feel like I’m starting over. Like I’m starting fresh. I’m not even sure if the last 3 months of my sobriety should count because I was on probation. And probation was the reason why I stayed sober. When Monday comes, I’ll deal with it then.
But today I have a choice. I can drink, or I can not drink. One path leads to destruction, the other leads to happiness and fulfilling my destiny. Which path do I want to take?
My name is Kaitlin, and I am an alcoholic.
Photo by Claudia Soraya on Unsplash