Tag Archives: help

Isaiah 41:10

Tonight, I felt the need to blog. Since the move, things have been going great. Until recently.

Before I explain, I need to start off by saying that I don’t have the best driving record out there. About a month after moving, I get a letter from Michigan’s DMV saying that my license has been indefinitely suspended because I failed to appear to a drivers reexamination. However, I never got the notification to appear. So I called them. After being on hold for about an hour, they said that they sent a notification out on October 12. Days after I had made the move.

In order to get my license back, I had to have a doctor fill out a form and send it back to Michigan’s DMV. I can’t get a PA license until this is cleared.

I got the form completed, and I sent it out. However, part of me is scared that I’ll never get my license back (it’s a bit extreme, I know). Then this verse popped up. Isaiah 41:10.

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

From what I gather after reading the chapter, is that God is speaking to the people of Israel. They don’t have to be afraid, because God will help them through.

I sit here and I think about how far God has gotten me. I managed to get myself out of a sticky situation when I got stranded in Ohio. He has provided for me financially to go back to Michigan for the rest of my things. He has given me a job to help pay the bills and a way to continue my education. So what makes this situation any different? Why am I so afraid?

I may not know what God’s plan is for me. My life is a bunch of tiny puzzle pieces that will come together when I die. I won’t get to see the puzzle until I die. I’m living in the unknown.

God works in mysterious ways, and I can’t just keep taking my own self will back every time things don’t go my way. That my friends, is my biggest problem. I know he provides, and rewards the faithful. So what am I so afraid of? Deep down, I know I’ll get my license back. So why am I so worried?

The best logical answer I can come up with is that I’m only human. I’m not perfect, I never will be perfect. The best I can do is base my decisions on what the Lord is saying to me, and what He wants me to do. That can only be accomplished if I’m willing to listen. If I’m not willing to listen then it’s never going to work.

When the Israelites were traveling to the Promised Land, I’m sure that things weren’t going their way.

No journey is easy. That’s why we have to trust in The Plan. We have to trust that these puzzle pieces that we call our lives will join together one day and create a beautiful masterpiece. We have to remain faithful. I have to remain faithful.

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The Truth Is…

I’ve been really hesitant about continuing to blog. I’ve thought about shutting this blog down, even. I came to a realization that has been really hard for me to come to terms with. A realization that I need to change, just not knowing how, am to afraid too, or all of the above.

At some point last week, I was shown a skit of a Lifehouse song called Everything. I was at an AA meeting.

By the end of the video that was shown to me, I cried. No. I had sobbed. Everything that was shown in this skit had been me at some point in my life.

If you’ve ever seen this skit, you know what happens at the end of the skit. Jesus conquers this girls problems and she is free.

That night I had come home. I watched this video over and over and over again. I realize that there was a difference between comprehension and actually believing wholeheartedly. I comprehended what God had sent His son to do, and I believed it. However, I didn’t believe it with ALL my heart.

And I became this hypocrite and I didn’t even realize it. I thought about shutting the blog down because I became the hypocrite. I mean I have talked about scripture, and my faith and a whole bunch of other things that were now at this point pointless. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do. Ever since I came to this conclusion, things have been different. It’s like I’m scared to embrace Him wholeheartedly. It’s like I’m scared to love. And yes, His love is unconditional. But what does that even mean? Yes, he died on the cross that’s what unconditional love is and it’s just this never ending loop running throughout my head. And I’m still stuck.

I never had “real” friendships. They were all one-sided. I never felt like I had belonged anywhere, I still don’t. I guess that’s why I created this blog was because I could be myself and not be afraid. But I guess that all backfired now.

I have a friend that has been coaching me throughout all of this. And he keeps telling me, “Hey, Jesus loves you.” And I get uncomfortable. Why? Because the word “Love.”

I never realized how uncomfortable the word “Love” made me. I have sat through many sermons, many preachings. And I let myself be talked at instead of talked to. In one ear, out the other. I didn’t give myself the opportunity to fully take it all in.

All of this scares me. It terrifies me. And I don’t know what to do about it. Sure, I could pray. But what good would that do since I’m stuck in this cycle of comprehension? The whole “scared to love, unconditional love, he died on the cross for me” cycle.

I’m probably going to lose a lot of followers because of this. That’s okay. I’m okay with that.

I’ve never felt more lost than I do now.

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I Need Your Help

So I actually did something today instead of just lay in bed. I cleaned my room a little bit. Got some clothes picked up, some books organized.

That’s when I found the condition of my bible. I’ve had this bible for 4 years, and it’s falling apart. The binding is anyway. I’m still going to keep it, but I think it’s time to start looking for a new bible.

I would want a study bible geared for young adults. So any recommendations would be nice. What I really like about the bible I have now is that it has a reading plan. But I want something more than just a reading plan. Something to help me understand what I’m reading because let’s be real. It can sometimes be hard to follow.

Click here if you’d like to see the bible I already have just in case nobody recommends the one I already have. The only difference is the one I have is paperback.

Thanks in advance!

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

The Doubts Are Still There…

As I’m working through Step One, I realized that I had already admitted that I had a problem.

But I question myself. Every single day. Will I ever really truly know if I’m an alcoholic? Probably not.

Though given the fact that I’ve tried to do some things like control my drinking, I failed.

I did some step work today. Given what I wrote for my first step work, given the fact that alcoholism runs on both sides of my family, and given the fact that I was so excited to turn 21 just so I could drink, I’m pre-determined. All signs point to the disease.

The doubts are still there, the curiosity of wondering if I really can limit myself are still there, but I have to remind myself that it’s all an illusion.

I never wanted my genes to pre-determine who I was going to be, which is rather silly if you think about it. Our genes come from our parents. Our personality, how we look, our tastes in food, music, extra curricular activities, etc are all determined by genes.

We are our parents, and our grand parents, and our great grandparents, and family members that go back hundreds of years.

Our genes essentially do determine who we are-to an extent. Genes are found in chromosomes, chromosomes are in our DNA and our DNA comes from our parents.

There is no quick fix. There is no cure. But there is a choice and that choice is to make a conscious and spiritual effort to stay sober.


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From Saul to Paul: The Beginning

These next couple of weeks we are going to be focusing on one ordinary man who God used for extraordinary things. This man is Paul, also known as Saul.

We are going to start by taking a look at Acts 9.

Saul was the antagonist in this section.  He was so dead set on persecuting people who believed in Jesus. He was the “modern day bounty hunter” as my study bible describes him. He wanted to turn believers into the high priest so they were persecuted for believing in Jesus.

This is where things take a turn.

Imagine just walking on a quiet road in the middle of nowhere and you hear a voice but you see nobody. Do you convince yourself your crazy? Go get evaluated? There weren’t any psych hospitals back in Saul’s day, so he was kind of stuck.

He was on his way to Damascus to find people to turn into the high priest, and this is exactly what Saul experiences.

“He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?’ “ (Acts 9:4).

Jesus had appeared to Saul, wondering why Saul was doing this. Saul knew he was in trouble, and only he could redeem himself at this point.

Saul was now blind. His encounter with Jesus literally knocked him off of his feet, and he opened his eyes but could see nothing (Acts 9:8).

This is where Jesus starts working his magic. He appeared to a man by Ananias in a dream. Jesus told Ananias about Saul and what Ananias was supposed to do.

“The Lord said to him, Go to the house of Judas on Straight Street and ask for a man from Tarsus named Saul, for he is praying.” (Acts 9:11).

Saul had a dream where his blindness was healed. These weren’t just dreams though. They were messages from Jesus. Even Ananias had trouble with this because he knew Saul. He knew that Saul was condemning people for believing in Jesus’ name. I guess you could say that he tried arguing with Jesus. Jesus wasn’t having it though and Ananias had no choice but to be obedient.

Saul was healed. He could see. He saw the power of Jesus and he started preaching in Damascus and Jerusalem. However, some of the jews had wanted to kill him. Meanwhile, Saul was gaining some followers and was protected.

It still didn’t end there. Barnabus took him in, and Saul preached the word vigorously. People still wanted Saul dead. Eventually, he was sent back to Tarsus, his home land.

I guess the moral of the story is this: God uses ordinary people for extraordinary things.

Besides Saul (Paul), let me give a few examples.

-Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt.

-Mary gave birth to Jesus. Given the time and the setting, most scholars can agree on the fact that Mary was probably a girl in her mid-late teens.

-David after he became king! David murdered and had committed adultery, yet still God used him.

I’m sure there are many more people throughout the Bible that God used for His glory, and I’m excited to read their stories.

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

If Bible evidence isn’t enough for you, then let me say this.

I never expected to start this blog. I never expected to keep up with it. I never expected the outcome that it has been getting. I never expected to get in trouble with the law. But the thing is, I did. It was a mistake, and I had to learn from it (I’ll explain further when I give my testimony!). But I understand WHY it happened. That was the defining moment I had decided to completely surrender my life to Jesus. Not just halfway surrendering like I have done previously. But whole heartedly and completely. And watching myself transform into the person God wants me to become? Sharing His word through my blog as well as my story? To me, thats a powerful thing to think about.

Just like Philippians 4:19 says, “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

God uses ordinary people for extraordinary things for His glory.

What are you going to do? Are you going to ignore it? Or are you going to listen? The choice is yours. But I promise you, if you listen, what you will witness is unfathomable. You’ll witness something only God could construct.

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You Have To Work!

This is a pretty safe statement. Nobody can earn anything for you, you have to earn it. And to earn it, you MUST work hard. Nobody else can work for you, you have to work for you. Nobody can make you change, you MUST want to change. When you want to change, we’ll be here, cheering you on, encouraging you, and guiding you.

We may not be able to change you, but we can help you when you’re ready to change. We can do this by offering advice when needed, we can be an empathetic friend who understands what you’re going through, and we can hold you accountable.

There is a catch though. That catch is (if I haven’t said this before) you have to WANT it, and once you WANT it, you MUST work.

One of the reasons why I love the whole sponsor idea is because they’re basically your accountability partner. However, you must be willing to WANT to find your own sponsor. A sponsor isn’t going to walk up to you and say “Hey, do you need a sponsor?” They will make themselves known, but you have to be the one to make that choice.

However, there is something I feel like you need to know. It doesn’t matter how far down the rabbit hole you have gone, you are still WORTHY of change. You are still WORTHY of recovery. You are still WORTHY of God’s grace.

The only thing you have to do, is REACH for it and take it. It’s there for YOU to take.

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