Tag Archives: growth

I’m Drunk! On Gods Love That Is

Tonight was incredible. It was worship night at my church group. Just singing. Praising. Worshipping.

In that moment, the ground that I was walking on was steady. The earthquake stopped. And the waters were calm.

For the first time, I felt drunk. But not in the usual sense of the word. I was feeling serenity, calm, love, joy, happiness.

I was singing and I meant every word I was singing.

There were no doubts. There was no fear. There was no worry. For the first time in awhile, I truly felt ok.

I wasn’t thinking about work. I wasn’t thinking about what’s going to happen with my license (if anything). I wasn’t running through the list I have in my head over and over again like I usually do.

I felt close to God. I felt close with God. I felt close with the people I was with, and I felt like I belonged.

I’m still not dreading work like I usually do. Maybe it’s because I actually look forward to things on my off days now. Maybe it’s because I got my planner and planned my week out.

Maybe it’s because I started reading again. I don’t know the answer, nor do I want to know the answer. I just hope that this feeling stays. I’m drunk on Gods love and I’m loving the feeling.

Something that not even a bottle of tequila could do. I’m glad I started this journey and I’m glad that I started taking it seriously. Not focused on anything but myself. Which may sound selfish, but it’s teaching me how to be selfless.

I don’t feel as closed off anymore. I’m opening up a little bit at a time. For the first time, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash

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Burning Out

I feel like I keep coming up with excuses on my blog as to why I’m not blogging.

Truth is, I’m burning out. Between meetings, trying to maintain my social life, and work, my days are becoming harder and harder to manage.

Some days I don’t even wanna get out of bed. Some days, finding the strength to get out of bed is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack.

I pray every night, but I’m not reading my books as often as I should. I feel like I’m a terrible blogger.

I’ve been running on about 5 hours of sleep today. I requested the wrong day off of work (which was nice surprisingly because I had a Saturday off) but I had to be in Detroit by 8 AM this morning to take an exam for a job that I’m going to school for (and I think I did ok). However, I didn’t get home from work until about 11:30 PM on Sunday night.

Gave myself an hour, and was up by 5:45. Running non stop. Car had to go into the shop, went to a meeting, pick up said car and go to work.

Truth is, I’m depressed. I’m worried. I’m scared. Trying not to overwhelm myself (I have no reason to be afraid because God IS on my side whether it feels like it or not).

Ever since I got sober, all of these feelings of regret, resentment, sadness, and anger have been bubbling to the surface. I’m not sure how to deal with them. If I’m being honest, I thought about checking myself into a mental hospital to get help. But I have bills to pay.

I see my therapist Wednesday, but I’m thinking about switching therapists because I feel like nothing is getting resolved at this point. I’ve had the same woman ever since my parents got divorced, which was roughly 8 years ago.

Ever since I got sober, I realized I had no idea who I am. I drank those years away. All because I wanted to feel numb, but here I am again. I’m 21 years old, but mentally, I feel like I’m that same scared 16 year old girl.

Thinking about going on antidepressant/anxiety medication again, because I don’t know what else to do. I need to be productive, I need to help around the house, and I need to stay motivated. How do I do that?

P.S. Time management is clearly not my expertise. So if any of you beautiful readers has any suggestions, please throw them my way. I have 3 sections to maintain, and I want this blog to flourish.

Photo by Chris Barbalis on Unsplash

Monday Mornings and Second Chances

After completing a 3-5 page paper that is due for tonights class, I realized how much I love coffee and Monday mornings!

Most people hate Monday mornings, but I have a newfound appreciation for them. It’s a new week. A second chance to make the week better than the week before, and second chances have been on my mind a lot lately.

I’ve always been the type of person that would cross someone off on my list if they had betrayed me in some way, shape or form. If I still lived by that, I wouldn’t have a lot of friends.

If I still lived by that, believing in faith would be completely pointless because God gives us second chances all the time. He forgives us all the time, no matter how many times we’ve messed up. That’s why Jesus is so incredible.

If people had that expectation (and some do believe it or not) then I wouldn’t have a relationship with people.

My parents are a perfect example of this. From my teen years to becoming a young adult, I’ve done things. I’ve broken their trust, I’ve stabbed them in the back, and I didn’t act like the daughter I was. If my parents had lived by this, I wouldn’t even have them at all.

I’d be a lost puppy trying to find her way home even though there was no home to go to.

There have been plenty of times my parents could have been done with me and not have given me a second chance.

My mom could have been done with me when I decided to stay in Michigan when she had decided to move to Pennsylvania. She could have turned around and said that I didn’t care. She could have said that if I did care, I’d go with her.

When I told my mom I wanted to live with her and not my dad, my Dad could have just given up and let me leave. He could have said that if I cared, I wouldn’t want to live with her.

When I changed my mind about living with my mom (I did this not once, but twice) she could have decided to be done with me because of all the financial turmoil I caused (I was a minor at the time so they had to go to court over it).

When I said some awful things to my stepmother, she could have just decided to have nothing to do with me. But she didn’t. Nobody did.

This is the beauty of unconditional love, which is the ONLY type of real true love. Loving someone for their mistakes and their flaws, that’s what love is. When I wrote I’m Bleeding, and I’m Okay I was writing about unconditional love. I just didn’t know it.

There are 3 things that have always terrified me. Those being love, change, and openness/trust.

The fact that I am no longer afraid of those things amazes me every single day. God and time has healed a lot of wounds.

I never was the type of person to believe that people could change. Seeing the change that has been happening to me has been a game changer. If I could change, then someone else could too. The catch is though you have to want it. Nobody can help you but you. Once you decide to help yourself, you’ll be amazed at how many people want to help you help yourself.

You’ll be amazed at how many people will want to love you unconditionally. I know I am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo by petradr on Unsplash

I Can Only Imagine

“Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus
Or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in your presence
Or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine”

-“I can only imagine” by MercyMe

These lyrics are so powerful to me. Since about noon today I’ve been on the go. A good friend texted me asking me what I was doing at 3:30 because she was going to see the movie “I Can Only Imagine” and she knew I wanted to go. It was an awesome movie by the way and I strongly recommend you going to see it.

It got me thinking about a lot of things. About things I imagined when I was younger and things I imagine now.

Just a few months ago, I had started going to this new church that had a group for college kids like myself. I was so shut off that I kept my distance, but I longed for a close friendship with somebody. I never had anybody that I could rely on when I was in trouble or when I needed someone. I could only imagine something like that. 

Now, I have that. I’m so thankful for them and I tell them that often enough they’re probably sick of hearing it.

Before, I could only imagine a love so unconditional, a love so reckless, a love so selfless. I found that through Jesus Christ.

Now that my faith seed is blooming, I can only imagine what it would be like if I met Jesus face to face. Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me saying I’m going to go out and do something life threatening just so I can meet Jesus, but rather what would I do when I met Jesus-face to face?

The chorus to this song partly sums it up. Would I dance with him? What would I feel? How would I feel? Would I be so amazed that I’d be speechless?

I feel like I would just fall down at his feet and start crying. Tears of happiness, tears of sadness, tears of remorse, tears of guilt. Beg and plead for His forgiveness.

This is a relatively quick blog post because it is almost 1 in the morning, and I was up until about 4 in the morning yesterday. None of my readings have gotten done, but that’s okay. If I want to put myself on a schedule, I need to go to bed earlier and if that means skipping out on my readings one night so I can get up earlier and start my day off right, then so be it.

I’m thankful for this movie, I’m thankful for MercyMe, I’m thankful for my friends and family who have been so supportive on the journey I’m walking on. I’m thankful for you, my readers, because I wouldn’t be able to do this without you. You guys inspire me. Most importantly, I’m thankful to God. Without Him, none of this would be possible.

Now, I must get some rest. My goal is to be up by 9 am tomorrow.

Photo by Ryan Wong on Unsplash

How Changing Your Mindset Could Change Your Life

First of all let me say this, my day started off horribly. My paycheck for my job never came through, and as soon as I got to work, I started throwing up. Even though I felt fine after, they thought it best that I be sent home just in case it was something more serious.

So I hung out with a friend, taught him some piano, he taught me guitar, and I helped him get ready for his audition for our church band on Thursday. Then we went out for sushi, and I went to an AA meeting.

There’s so many things I could talk about with what I’ve learned today alone.

I’ll try to narrow it down to the one of the things that hit me the most.

A few days ago, my dad had tagged me in a help wanted ad for something I’m going to school for. My initial thought was, “What’s the point? They probably wouldn’t call me anyway so there’s no use in applying.”

Something inside me switched. Instead of thinking that, I thought “What if I did get the job though?”

So I took a chance and applied. I’m not saying that when I go into work tomorrow I’m going to place all bets on getting this job and putting my two weeks in, but what if I did get that call and it was because I decided to try?

Changing your mindset to have a positive outlook on life can do so many things. You’re not coming up with excuses to not push for something, but rather finding reasons to push for something.

It gives me hope, and hope is what drives me. God didn’t plan for me to live a life full of doubt, fear, and worry. He planned for me to live a life full of love, radiance, and hope. Knowing that everything will be ok.

He is my hope.

Honestly? We could play the what if game all day. I know I’m bad at falling into it. If that was an olympic sport, I’d have a million gold medals. But what if we changed the rules of the “what if” game? What if we pursued God even more? What if we prayed more? What if we read the bible more? What if we actually tried? I promise you the answers are much more positive than if we asked ourselves “What if this doesn’t work?”

What if we didn’t live for us? What if we lived for God?

I realize that there is a possibility that I don’t get this job, and I’m ok. Our problem with society is that we have too many unrealistic expectations. We expect young adults (~20) to have at least one kid. We expect this generation to not go to school and get a higher education. We expect ourselves to work to death to provide for our families. We expect every rugged looking person to be an alcoholic or crackhead. We expect ourselves to put labels on things where no label is necessary.

We think that just because a woman doesn’t meet the current standards of beauty to not be worthy of anything.

We think that just because a man doesn’t meet the current standards of beauty to not be worthy of anything.

But YOU ARE.

Jesus loves you for who you are. No matter what. His love is unconditional. You might think that you’re not a good person, but you are. You have the ability to be a good person. And the phrase “being a good person” is so relative that each person has a different definition for what that may mean.

Instead of not trying, try. Instead of doubting yourself, push yourself. Have faith in yourself. Have faith in God. Trust in Him and Him alone. I promise you if you do that, the results will amaze you. I’ve been amazed. I think that I’ve made more growth in the past 4 months than I have in the past year.

The sky is the limit, but if you really think about it. The sky eventually leads into space. Space is endless. So really, you’re limitless. You can do whatever you want to do if you really push yourself, have faith in yourself, let go, and let God.