Tag Archives: growing

The Thing Beneath The Thing

Today, for the first time in a few months, I went to church. I’m glad I did. I had a breakdown Friday night while I was with friends. I felt like I didn’t belong, that nobody cared, and that I wasn’t good enough.

Today, the pastor talked about just that and he called it “The Thing Beneath the Thing” and he used a pretty awesome metaphor to describe it.

The big thing right now is potholes. They’re everywhere and some of these potholes are turning into major sinkholes causing accidents, and even fatalities all across America. Construction companies are just re-patching them and re-paving them but the problem lies within underground pipes that are leaking which is what causes these potholes that are turning into sinkholes. He did an extensive amount of research on it.

Re patching and re-paving are only a temporary fix to a recurring problem. He used this metaphor to compare it with grace. We sprinkle a little grace on whatever is going on in our lives and call it a day. But sometimes we have to dig deeper. We have to figure out the thing beneath the thing. Once we do that, we can properly fix our “potholes” so they don’t turn into major “sinkholes.”

I wish I could say that every Christian turns to God whenever things get rough. When depression hits, when we’ve taken prescription pills or blow through a fifth a night. But reality is we don’t. We get so hung up on being sad all the time that we don’t want to lean into God and trust his word. And if you say you do, if you lean into God EVERY time  something goes wrong in your life, then you’re lying.

Sometimes, we become addicted to the sadness. Sometimes, we can’t just let go and let God.

I’ve been a walking zombie for the last couple months. I haven’t picked up my bible. I know I should, I know I should lean into His word more, but I’ve become addicted to the sadness. I’ve learned what co-dependency is and realized that I am very co-dependent. With that, I have identified my “pothole” and can properly fix it.

He wants us to lean into him when we get sad or upset. He wants us to lean into Him when we have hit a pothole in our lives, but it’s hard. Sometimes it’s easier said than done.

The pastor then started talking about Peter, and I could relate. Peter sometimes did what God wanted him to do, and other times he didn’t. Why? I don’t know. I haven’t read 1 Peter just yet, but when I do, I’m sure I can figure it out.

In 1 Peter 5:7 it flat out says what we should do. “Casting all your anxieties on Him, because he cares for you.”

When Adam and Eve took a bite of the forbidden apple their initial reaction was to literally hide from God. They were ashamed, they felt guilty.

We are hiding behind the real reason why we feel the way that we feel. Everyday events trigger us, igniting a fight or flight response and I can’t speak to you, but when that kicks in I immediately go into flight. I’ve learned how to manage it better, but I haven’t been able to overcome going into flight mode. That’s something only God can do. I am hiding from the thing beneath the thing and I can’t hide forever.


Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash


I’m Drunk! On Gods Love That Is

Tonight was incredible. It was worship night at my church group. Just singing. Praising. Worshipping.

In that moment, the ground that I was walking on was steady. The earthquake stopped. And the waters were calm.

For the first time, I felt drunk. But not in the usual sense of the word. I was feeling serenity, calm, love, joy, happiness.

I was singing and I meant every word I was singing.

There were no doubts. There was no fear. There was no worry. For the first time in awhile, I truly felt ok.

I wasn’t thinking about work. I wasn’t thinking about what’s going to happen with my license (if anything). I wasn’t running through the list I have in my head over and over again like I usually do.

I felt close to God. I felt close with God. I felt close with the people I was with, and I felt like I belonged.

I’m still not dreading work like I usually do. Maybe it’s because I actually look forward to things on my off days now. Maybe it’s because I got my planner and planned my week out.

Maybe it’s because I started reading again. I don’t know the answer, nor do I want to know the answer. I just hope that this feeling stays. I’m drunk on Gods love and I’m loving the feeling.

Something that not even a bottle of tequila could do. I’m glad I started this journey and I’m glad that I started taking it seriously. Not focused on anything but myself. Which may sound selfish, but it’s teaching me how to be selfless.

I don’t feel as closed off anymore. I’m opening up a little bit at a time. For the first time, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash

Monday Mornings and Second Chances

After completing a 3-5 page paper that is due for tonights class, I realized how much I love coffee and Monday mornings!

Most people hate Monday mornings, but I have a newfound appreciation for them. It’s a new week. A second chance to make the week better than the week before, and second chances have been on my mind a lot lately.

I’ve always been the type of person that would cross someone off on my list if they had betrayed me in some way, shape or form. If I still lived by that, I wouldn’t have a lot of friends.

If I still lived by that, believing in faith would be completely pointless because God gives us second chances all the time. He forgives us all the time, no matter how many times we’ve messed up. That’s why Jesus is so incredible.

If people had that expectation (and some do believe it or not) then I wouldn’t have a relationship with people.

My parents are a perfect example of this. From my teen years to becoming a young adult, I’ve done things. I’ve broken their trust, I’ve stabbed them in the back, and I didn’t act like the daughter I was. If my parents had lived by this, I wouldn’t even have them at all.

I’d be a lost puppy trying to find her way home even though there was no home to go to.

There have been plenty of times my parents could have been done with me and not have given me a second chance.

My mom could have been done with me when I decided to stay in Michigan when she had decided to move to Pennsylvania. She could have turned around and said that I didn’t care. She could have said that if I did care, I’d go with her.

When I told my mom I wanted to live with her and not my dad, my Dad could have just given up and let me leave. He could have said that if I cared, I wouldn’t want to live with her.

When I changed my mind about living with my mom (I did this not once, but twice) she could have decided to be done with me because of all the financial turmoil I caused (I was a minor at the time so they had to go to court over it).

When I said some awful things to my stepmother, she could have just decided to have nothing to do with me. But she didn’t. Nobody did.

This is the beauty of unconditional love, which is the ONLY type of real true love. Loving someone for their mistakes and their flaws, that’s what love is. When I wrote I’m Bleeding, and I’m Okay I was writing about unconditional love. I just didn’t know it.

There are 3 things that have always terrified me. Those being love, change, and openness/trust.

The fact that I am no longer afraid of those things amazes me every single day. God and time has healed a lot of wounds.

I never was the type of person to believe that people could change. Seeing the change that has been happening to me has been a game changer. If I could change, then someone else could too. The catch is though you have to want it. Nobody can help you but you. Once you decide to help yourself, you’ll be amazed at how many people want to help you help yourself.

You’ll be amazed at how many people will want to love you unconditionally. I know I am.








Photo by petradr on Unsplash

A Night of Reflection

Tonight I’m taking time. I’m taking time to pray and realize all that God has done for me. Tonight was the last night of my impaired driving course. Let me rewind.

8:20 AM: Got up for work.

9:30 Got to Work

9:45 get into an argument with my stepmom over our dog. This was probably the hardest part of my day but I can say that I tried my best to keep calm and didn’t say anything out of anger. I owned up to my wrongdoings, and I didn’t make excuses. This was a big accomplishment for me.

Being that my day started off so crummy, it could only go up from there. Fast forward to 6:30. I’m in my impaired driving class. It’s my last night and the instructor asks me what I have learned.

In the past 6 weeks, I have learned so much. I grew closer with God (and continuing to do so), realized that me going out was a bit excessive. I was going out 5-6 nights a week. Not necessarily getting drunk but avoiding responsibility. I didn’t see the error of my ways, I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong, but this class showed me that I wasn’t doing something right either.

I’ve learned how to be safe when I do go out. Granted this should have been a given, but some lessons were meant to be learned the hard way. If not for my DUI, I would still be doing what I was doing. I wouldn’t have learned anything.

I’ve started establishing relationships with a friend that I had truly cared about. He was trying to help me all along but I was so stuck in my ways I didn’t want it, when really I did.

I also learned to decipher when I should be drinking and when I shouldn’t. I’ve learned that drinking at social events and get togethers is ok and I must do it responsibly. If I feel that I can’t drink responsibly, then I shouldn’t drink at all. I also shouldn’t drink to masquerade my feelings.

I’m so thankful that God put me on this challenging journey. The growth I have experienced is amazing. I can finally say that I’m happy. I can say that today? I didn’t just survive, I lived.

I look forward to continuing to share my journey with all of you. I’m one step closer to God and one step closer to freedom.