Tag Archives: God

My Name is Kaitlin, and I’m an Alcoholic

I don’t even know where to begin right now. This is the first time disclosing my full story.

In December, I got picked up for drinking and driving. I blew a .10 on the field and a .09 at the police station. The courts go by what you blow at the station. The legal limit is .08 just to give you some context.

The charge got dropped to impaired driving. I was sentenced to 6 months non reporting probation, 40 hours of community service, impaired driving classes, and of course the fines. Everything was done by the middle of April, but I was still on probation.

I started attending meetings before my sentencing because I had assumed that the judge would make me do it anyway, however that wasn’t the case.

But I still went. And I made friends. Friends with good people. That was nice.

I even had a sponsor. This got me through.

However, for the last couple of months I didn’t have a sponsor. My former sponsor suggested that I find an additional sponsor because she couldn’t give me the time I deserved. I was a little hurt by that. But I understood. She’s a body builder with kids and a husband. She’s doing what she loves and taking care of her family. She was busy, I get that.

These last few weeks have been emotional. I was conflicted. The “I’m not an alcoholic” thought kept popping into my head. I started detaching from meetings, from my friends, even this blog. I felt that I didn’t belong. I don’t even remember the last time I picked my bible up.

I didn’t have the “I lost my kids, my spouse, my house, my car.” story. I didn’t really lose anything. But I know I couldn’t stop drinking. Once I had one I became so fixated on having more. My stepmom even warned me before I turned 21.

Eventually, I started believing those thoughts. And one of my friends picked up on it. He sensed there was something wrong and I couldn’t bullshit him. Excuse my language.

I let myself believe that I wasn’t an alcoholic because I didn’t have the typical alcoholic story. I woke up this morning and I knew exactly what I was going to get to drink on Monday.

I went to two meetings tonight. And when I went to the second meeting, that’s when God showed up. I was honest with myself. I shared what was going on with me. How I didn’t see the point, how I didn’t lose anything nor had anything to lose. One guy interrupted me and that was the final straw. I walked out.

I got up, and I walked out.

After having a conversation with someone else, that’s when I realized that I had become so fixated on not having the typical alcoholic story. What other people have gone through is what can happen to me if I start drinking again. I know that if I do start drinking again,  I won’t be able to stop. I proved that to myself time and time again before I got the DUI in December.

It wasn’t until then that something clicked again. That was my reset button. I drank because I was lonely. Yet the void was only being temporarily filled. It was nothing permanent, it will never be permanent. Sure you feel great, temporarily. But the morning after sucks. It will always suck.

I’m still not sure on how to cope with the loneliness. I could be with friends and still feel lonely. I guess that’s something God will reveal to me when he’s ready. I guess that’s something I’ll have to pray about.

After today, I feel like I’m back at square 1. I feel like I’m starting over. Like I’m starting fresh. I’m not even sure if the last 3 months of my sobriety should count because I was on probation. And probation was the reason why I stayed sober. When Monday comes, I’ll deal with it then.

But today I have a choice. I can drink, or I can not drink. One path leads to destruction, the other leads to happiness and fulfilling my destiny. Which path do I want to take?

My name is Kaitlin, and I am an alcoholic.

Photo by Claudia Soraya on Unsplash

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The Thing Beneath The Thing

Today, for the first time in a few months, I went to church. I’m glad I did. I had a breakdown Friday night while I was with friends. I felt like I didn’t belong, that nobody cared, and that I wasn’t good enough.

Today, the pastor talked about just that and he called it “The Thing Beneath the Thing” and he used a pretty awesome metaphor to describe it.

The big thing right now is potholes. They’re everywhere and some of these potholes are turning into major sinkholes causing accidents, and even fatalities all across America. Construction companies are just re-patching them and re-paving them but the problem lies within underground pipes that are leaking which is what causes these potholes that are turning into sinkholes. He did an extensive amount of research on it.

Re patching and re-paving are only a temporary fix to a recurring problem. He used this metaphor to compare it with grace. We sprinkle a little grace on whatever is going on in our lives and call it a day. But sometimes we have to dig deeper. We have to figure out the thing beneath the thing. Once we do that, we can properly fix our “potholes” so they don’t turn into major “sinkholes.”

I wish I could say that every Christian turns to God whenever things get rough. When depression hits, when we’ve taken prescription pills or blow through a fifth a night. But reality is we don’t. We get so hung up on being sad all the time that we don’t want to lean into God and trust his word. And if you say you do, if you lean into God EVERY time  something goes wrong in your life, then you’re lying.

Sometimes, we become addicted to the sadness. Sometimes, we can’t just let go and let God.

I’ve been a walking zombie for the last couple months. I haven’t picked up my bible. I know I should, I know I should lean into His word more, but I’ve become addicted to the sadness. I’ve learned what co-dependency is and realized that I am very co-dependent. With that, I have identified my “pothole” and can properly fix it.

He wants us to lean into him when we get sad or upset. He wants us to lean into Him when we have hit a pothole in our lives, but it’s hard. Sometimes it’s easier said than done.

The pastor then started talking about Peter, and I could relate. Peter sometimes did what God wanted him to do, and other times he didn’t. Why? I don’t know. I haven’t read 1 Peter just yet, but when I do, I’m sure I can figure it out.

In 1 Peter 5:7 it flat out says what we should do. “Casting all your anxieties on Him, because he cares for you.”

When Adam and Eve took a bite of the forbidden apple their initial reaction was to literally hide from God. They were ashamed, they felt guilty.

We are hiding behind the real reason why we feel the way that we feel. Everyday events trigger us, igniting a fight or flight response and I can’t speak to you, but when that kicks in I immediately go into flight. I’ve learned how to manage it better, but I haven’t been able to overcome going into flight mode. That’s something only God can do. I am hiding from the thing beneath the thing and I can’t hide forever.

 

Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash

How I Almost Lost My Sanity And How I Got It Back

The last couple months have been terrible.

I don’t want to get into any specifics, but I will say this.

I didn’t want to do anything and I was missing out on life.

I wanted to wake up and hit snooze every chance I had. Even though I would tell myself I wanted to be more productive.

My uncle passed away a few weeks ago. I drove out to PA to go see him (with my brother of course). I had to call off of work, which I hated doing.

I was depressed and I didn’t even realize it.

I didn’t want to keep up with the blog.

I enjoyed time with friends, but all I did was complain about how much I hated my job.

Then it happened. I had a mental breakdown. I had to make a tough decision and do what was best for me.

I was able to be with my friends, not complain about anything (for the first time in awhile), and even joke around and laugh. One of my friends even said that I was smiling so much it was beginning to creep him out.

I found out some things that I should have never found out. But I realized that God had meant for me to find those things out because He knew that I wasn’t in a good place.

He knew that I needed better, and he helped me get to that point.

God is there if you listen. God was there when I had some conversations with a few close friends and my stepmom.

The only thing I had to do was listen to the advice that was given. Which isn’t always easy.

Reality is, nothing is easy. Life is full of choices. Sometimes easy ones, mostly hard ones.

Acts 8:26-29 says “Now an angel of the Lord said to Phillip, go South to the road-the desert road-that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza. So he started out, and on his way he met an Ethiopian eunuch, an important official in charge of all the treasury of the Kandake. This man had gone to Jerusalem to worship and on his way home he was sitting in his chariot reading the Book of Isaiah the prophet. The spirit told Phillip, go to that chariot and stay near it.”

We talked about this story a few weeks ago at my church group. God had told Phillip to approach someone and have a conversation with someone at this chariot. A man that Phillip had never met, that he didn’t even know. I can’t say what was running through Phillips mine but I know that I would never be able to approach a random person and start having a conversation with them.

However, Phillip obeyed. And great things came out of it (you should read the full story!) because Phillip had obeyed.

I was in the same situation with different circumstances.

However, like Phillip, I had to listen to the advice that was given to me. If you ask for advice, but don’t listen to it, chances are the results are going to be disastrous. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

My point is, if you put yourself first once in awhile and do whats best for you, you’ll be better off. You’ll be a lot happier, you’ll appreciate things on a level much deeper than you could ever comprehend.

I’m not missing my brothers graduation.

I’m going to Cedar Point.

I refuse to miss out on my own life.

Photo by Dmitry Ratushny on Unsplash

 

 

 

Hold Them Tight

What a crazy weekend. It all started on Wednesday. I have a family member that isn’t doing too well, and my brother asked if we could go see him this weekend.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to go. How am I going to pay for gas? How am I going to get out of work? How am I going to do this? How am I going to do that?

Surrounded by some close friends, they help guided me.

I called my boss and essentially told him what was going on. I felt bad because ever since I got the job it’s been one thing after another and I was worried about what he would think.

So we left Wednesday night and got here Thursday morning. It’s about a 5 hour drive from where I live to where my uncle lives. We got to see him today (Friday). And I’m glad we did. I made the right choice.

My boss will get over it. It’s not like I took the weekend off to go gamble, drink, and drug. No.

Family is important to me and I refuse to make the same mistake I did with my piano teacher.

I will never let my job come before my family.

Time is free, but we’re limited. We all have our own personal hourglass. We may think we have time, but God has our times planned.

Hold your loved ones close, make amends with those you care about, and spend as much time with them as you possibly can. We don’t have forever. We aren’t invincible and we aren’t immortal.

Pray. Live. Laugh. Love. Cherish.

God has a plan for everyone, do you know what yours is?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Something Greater than Yourself Does Exist

We are human. We want to believe that we are the center of the universe. We expect people to serve us left, right, up, down and sideways. We expect to get what we want, when we want, how we want it.

THAT IS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS.

If you want to recover from your alcoholism/addiction, the pride and the selfishness has to go. It’s a lot easier said than done, trust me, I’ve been there. However, if I can do it, then you can do it. You just have to want it.

We have to admit defeat. As someone once told me at a table, self will doesn’t cure self will. But God’s will? His will, and only His will can cure self will.

Honestly, it’s because of God and his grace that I’ve stayed relatively sane these last couple of months. It’s been one thing after another, yet I’m still sober, and I’m still ok.

If I wasn’t sober, well then I can say without a doubt that the outcome of things would have been a lot worse.

I’m not worried about things. I’m not worried about life. I’m calm. If you truly want to be sober, I pray that you come to believe in a power greater than yourself. Once you do that, you’ll find that life as so much more to offer. That you’ve been blessed and didn’t even realize it. You’ll realize what the real solution to your problems are.

To give you an example: If you’ve read my other blog posts, you’d know that a few weeks ago I got into an accident and totaled my car. This was a trigger for me. I wanted a drink so badly. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Instead of going to the bar, violating probation and drinking my income away, I talked to people.

The next day, I called my bank. Because of the credit I’ve been building, I was approved for a loan to get a new vehicle and by the end of that day, I was driving home with a new car. Well, not brand new, but new to me.

I could have drank. If I did, then I probably to this day would still be without a car. God had everything planned for me from the start. It was a test. A test that I believe I passed.

It all worked out. It always will if you come to believe in a power greater than yourself.

I grew up Catholic and left the church for a really long time. I believed that there was something out there, but didn’t acknowledge that presence. I’m acknowledging it here and now.

My higher power is God. Your higher power doesn’t have to be. I am a Christian, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. Open mindedness and willingness are key. I respect other beliefs. Because the world doesn’t revolve around me.

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How Paul Listened and Trusted God

So, we left off when Paul stood in front of King Agrippa and shared his story. Now, Paul is setting sail for Rome to go in front of Nero. Since that is what he appealed for.

On his journey to Rome, they had come across a storm. Paul even predicted the storm in Acts 27:10 “Men, I can see that our voyage is going to be disastrous and bring great loss to ship and cargo, and to our own lives also.” However, nobody wanted to listen to Paul and they set sail directly into the storm.

However, what happens next is pretty awesome.

Paul tells them that they should have listened to him, but lives would be spared. “But now I urge you to keep your courage, because not one of you will be lost; only the ship will be destroyed. Last night an angel of the God to whom I serve stood beside me and said Do not be afraid, Paul. You must stand trial before Caesar; and God has graciously given you the lives of all who sail with you. So keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me.” (Acts 27:22-25).

The ship does wreck, but everyone does reach land safely. Only because Paul trusted the Lord, and he listened.

He trusted. 

I want to take a moment to acknowledge that trusting in God is a lot easier said than done. As humans, we want proof that something exists. We want immediate answers, and some of us (myself included) wants direct communication with God like the angel coming to Paul.

Prayer is communication, but we don’t always get an immediate response. It’s like playing phone tag with someone for about a week before you actually get a hold of that person.

However, prayer is essential. Trusting in God is essential. Without faith, we are nothing. Trusting in the unseen is basically what defines faith. I’ve made this argument before, and I’ll make it again.

We can’t see the wind, but we can feel it. We can see the effects wind has on the trees, us, the leaves.

We can’t see our internal organs, but we know they’re there. We know that they are functioning to keep us alive and breathing.

Just because we can’t see something, doesn’t mean it’s not there and that we shouldn’t trust in it.

Hebrews 11:1 says “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

2 Corinthians 5:7 says “For we walk by faith, not by sight.”

 

Paul and his crew were in a crisis. But Paul knew what to do like it was second nature, because he trusted in God. Paul was walking by faith. I can honestly say that with prayer, and reading the word, knowing what to do when life gets you down will become second nature.

God doesn’t create our downfalls, he uses them for the better. He uses them so that we can know Him and trust Him. In the midst of tragedy, there is always something beautiful that can be taken from it. However, our eyes have to be open and we have to be awake if we want to take that beauty from the tragedy.

Are your eyes open? Do you trust in Him?

Photo by Nathan Pirkle on Unsplash

 

I’m Drunk! On Gods Love That Is

Tonight was incredible. It was worship night at my church group. Just singing. Praising. Worshipping.

In that moment, the ground that I was walking on was steady. The earthquake stopped. And the waters were calm.

For the first time, I felt drunk. But not in the usual sense of the word. I was feeling serenity, calm, love, joy, happiness.

I was singing and I meant every word I was singing.

There were no doubts. There was no fear. There was no worry. For the first time in awhile, I truly felt ok.

I wasn’t thinking about work. I wasn’t thinking about what’s going to happen with my license (if anything). I wasn’t running through the list I have in my head over and over again like I usually do.

I felt close to God. I felt close with God. I felt close with the people I was with, and I felt like I belonged.

I’m still not dreading work like I usually do. Maybe it’s because I actually look forward to things on my off days now. Maybe it’s because I got my planner and planned my week out.

Maybe it’s because I started reading again. I don’t know the answer, nor do I want to know the answer. I just hope that this feeling stays. I’m drunk on Gods love and I’m loving the feeling.

Something that not even a bottle of tequila could do. I’m glad I started this journey and I’m glad that I started taking it seriously. Not focused on anything but myself. Which may sound selfish, but it’s teaching me how to be selfless.

I don’t feel as closed off anymore. I’m opening up a little bit at a time. For the first time, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash