Tag Archives: God

I Surrendered My Heart: Completely

“I will give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” Ezekiel 36:26-27

I have surrendered before, but not whole-heartedly. The bible even says that we should hand our whole heart over to the Lord. Proverbs 23:26 says, “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways.”

Notice that it doesn’t say My son, let your eyes observe my ways then give me your heart. That’s not how it works. Faith is believing in the unseen.

I love what 2 Corinthians 4:18 has to say about this. “As we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

But the things that are unseen are eternal.

Let that sink in for a minute.

With that being said, I surrendered my heart. I asked God to give me a new heart, and to bring Jesus into my life. I’ve learned more about Jesus and God in the last couple of weeks than I have the entire (almost) 22 years I have been alive.

I am nowhere near perfect. I am nowhere near deserving of this unconditional love that God gave me by sending his son to die for my sins. I am a mortal. A broken mortal. But if there’s anything that I have learned, it’s that God uses broken people for his glory. I mean Jesus associated with the broken people in His lifetime.

How can one be saved by Jesus if he/she was never broken to begin with? If we were never broken to begin with, we wouldn’t need to be saved. Now would we?

One of my biggest problems was men. I am friends with mostly men (I’ve been praying for that to change), I want a real romantic relationship with a man and I am so boy crazy that I go chasing love to try and fill that empty void that I have had.

When my sponsor told me that she wanted me to stay single for a year, I (internally) freaked out. How am I going to do this? I can’t do this! I like looking at them too much.

Today, I’m not freaking out. I have Jesus. He is the only Love that I need right now. And I intend to use the next 365 days wisely. I want to continue to grow in His word and let his Spirit move me in ways I won’t be able to fathom. I’m looking forward to this journey now. God has someone for me, but in His time and He wants me to know Him first.

Thank you all for going on this journey with me. I am excited for the future.

I was lost, but I have been found again.

Photo by Steve Halama on Unsplash

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Fear is the Opposite of Faith

Today, I tried something new. Something I should be doing on a regular basis. I started looking through other blogs, reading them, commenting on the ones I really enjoyed. I came across one that talked about fear, and it really resonated with me.

Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “Be strong and Courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

The opposite of faith is fear.

It’s starting to make sense to me now. I am afraid of love and trust, because I have been hurt by others. However, I’ve been told that God’s love is unconditional and I’m starting to believe it. God is so much more than we even realize, than even I realize. So what am I going to do? Am I going to sit in my fear and let it muster?

The only way I am going to have a relationship with God, with people, with anybody is through love and trust. Without love and trust, there is no relationship. I learn how to do this by continuing to read His word, which I’m not always good at most of the time.

In Jeremiah 1, it is revealed that the Lord had plans for Jeremiah. “The word of the Lord came to me saying, ‘Before I formed you in the womb i knew you, before you were born i set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.’ ” (Jeremiah 1:4-5).

What would you do if the Lord came to you and told you that? A prophet to the nations?

Jeremiah responds by saying, “Alas, Soverign Lord, I do not know how to speak; I am too young.” (Jeremiah 1:6)

By verse 7, the Lord tells Jeremiah not to be afraid. The Lord tells Jeremiah that He is with him, and He will rescue him.

As long as I have God, I have no reason to be afraid. If I am afraid, then I don’t have God. Remember, Fear is the opposite of Faith. With fear, I have no faith.

I pray that I will no longer be afraid. That I can love and trust again. God is love and trust. Jesus is love and trust.

 

Photo by Jacob Ufkes on Unsplash

The Truth Is…

I’ve been really hesitant about continuing to blog. I’ve thought about shutting this blog down, even. I came to a realization that has been really hard for me to come to terms with. A realization that I need to change, just not knowing how, am to afraid too, or all of the above.

At some point last week, I was shown a skit of a Lifehouse song called Everything. I was at an AA meeting.

By the end of the video that was shown to me, I cried. No. I had sobbed. Everything that was shown in this skit had been me at some point in my life.

If you’ve ever seen this skit, you know what happens at the end of the skit. Jesus conquers this girls problems and she is free.

That night I had come home. I watched this video over and over and over again. I realize that there was a difference between comprehension and actually believing wholeheartedly. I comprehended what God had sent His son to do, and I believed it. However, I didn’t believe it with ALL my heart.

And I became this hypocrite and I didn’t even realize it. I thought about shutting the blog down because I became the hypocrite. I mean I have talked about scripture, and my faith and a whole bunch of other things that were now at this point pointless. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do. Ever since I came to this conclusion, things have been different. It’s like I’m scared to embrace Him wholeheartedly. It’s like I’m scared to love. And yes, His love is unconditional. But what does that even mean? Yes, he died on the cross that’s what unconditional love is and it’s just this never ending loop running throughout my head. And I’m still stuck.

I never had “real” friendships. They were all one-sided. I never felt like I had belonged anywhere, I still don’t. I guess that’s why I created this blog was because I could be myself and not be afraid. But I guess that all backfired now.

I have a friend that has been coaching me throughout all of this. And he keeps telling me, “Hey, Jesus loves you.” And I get uncomfortable. Why? Because the word “Love.”

I never realized how uncomfortable the word “Love” made me. I have sat through many sermons, many preachings. And I let myself be talked at instead of talked to. In one ear, out the other. I didn’t give myself the opportunity to fully take it all in.

All of this scares me. It terrifies me. And I don’t know what to do about it. Sure, I could pray. But what good would that do since I’m stuck in this cycle of comprehension? The whole “scared to love, unconditional love, he died on the cross for me” cycle.

I’m probably going to lose a lot of followers because of this. That’s okay. I’m okay with that.

I’ve never felt more lost than I do now.

Photo by lucas clarysse on Unsplash

Angels vs Demons

I might have alot of people who will hate me for what I’m about to say

but I can’t hold it inside.

I seem to have lost my way,

I can’t seem to find the light.

Let me tell you about a man I met.

He was tall, dark, and wore black.

He told me I shouldn’t get upset,

but I did and I can’t get back.

He told me things, and he romanced me.

I won’t lie, it did feel good

I felt free

in ways I never could.

People tell me about a different man.

One whose dressed in white.

They say he’s got big plans,

that I don’t have to fight.

The catch is things won’t happen right away

All in good time.

But for me it’s just another day

in my world, the sun never shines.

The difference between the two is quite simple.

One is evil, one is good.

If I favor one, the other becomes crippled.

in ways they never were.

So now the question is which path do I take?

when both of them are on my back.

I should consider this choice I’ll have to make

but the knowledge I need, I lack.

One is filled with empty promises

the other is pure

I’m so scared of many more losses

I’m afraid this broken heart can’t be cured.

So I guess I’ll just remain stagnant for now

One scar forms after another

I’m being filled with self doubt

Surrendering? I don’t know how. 

There’s one question that still remains,

do I dance with death?

 or do I release control of these binding chains?

I’m running out of breath.

 

Photo by Greyson Joralemon on Unsplash

The Healing Begins..Again

So I got prescribed wellbutrin. Supposedly it’s considered an “upper” that will make me want to do things, and in the last 48 hours I’ve been noticing a difference.

I still want to lay in bed all day, but I feel weird doing so. I didn’t drag my feet to work, I didn’t sleep all day, and I was productive.

Made my bed, cleaned my room (and vacuumed), unloaded/loaded the dishwasher, I even wanted to put on makeup. Which I hadn’t been feeling like doing in weeks.

Yesterday, I journaled for the first time in forever. I wanted to journal. I wanted to read. I wanted to write, and tonight? I wanted to blog. I WANTED to blog. I didn’t feel obligated to.

Doing basic human things hasn’t felt like a chore. I have more energy.

As I was journaling last night, I realized that I am no different than a caterpillar while it’s in its cocoon.

While in it’s cocoon, it’s going through a phase of metamorphosis (or change). Then it becomes a beautiful butterfly.

I want to be that butterfly.

However, I can’t leave my cocoon. Not yet. I’m not ready. I have to let the change happen. Everyday, I am in a stage of metamorphosis. One day closer to becoming that butterfly.

For the last 3 weeks, I felt like I was walking on an Earthquake. No, sinking through the cracks caused by the Earthquake. I was hanging on to a rope, and that rope was fraying. That rope was going to snap soon. I had to hold on with everything I had.

The paramedics arrived. I’m not slipping through the cracks. I can finally breathe again. That doesn’t even feel like a chore. A sense of relief has come over me which is weird. I’m not used to feeling relieved.

I was trying to fight a battle that I couldn’t win. But I thought I could win. But all it did was wear me out. It was tiresome, and now that I’m not fighting it anymore, I’m still tired because I spent so much time trying to fight it.

I’m not 100% okay, but I’m starting to feel better than I did before.

Now. Time to start repairing my fractured faith.

Photo by David Clode on Unsplash

I Need Your Help

So I actually did something today instead of just lay in bed. I cleaned my room a little bit. Got some clothes picked up, some books organized.

That’s when I found the condition of my bible. I’ve had this bible for 4 years, and it’s falling apart. The binding is anyway. I’m still going to keep it, but I think it’s time to start looking for a new bible.

I would want a study bible geared for young adults. So any recommendations would be nice. What I really like about the bible I have now is that it has a reading plan. But I want something more than just a reading plan. Something to help me understand what I’m reading because let’s be real. It can sometimes be hard to follow.

Click here if you’d like to see the bible I already have just in case nobody recommends the one I already have. The only difference is the one I have is paperback.

Thanks in advance!

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

Depression Isn’t Crying All the Time

I’ve been fighting this battle for 8 years.

I’m so sick of people telling me that it’s going to get better. I’m sick of people telling me that it will all work out.

I’m sick of people trying to tell me to rely on God.

Praying, reading the Bible, and listening to God isn’t what’s going to get my bills paid. It’s not going to make me feel better.

Depression isn’t crying all the time. Depression is isolating yourself, your own brain convincing you that nobody cares, that nobody wants you around, etc.

Depression is wanting to do nothing but sleep all day.

Depression is feeling emotionally numb and socially detached.

Depression is mustering up the energy just to wake up, shower, and look decent.

I realized I know nothing about God. I’ve learned that there’s a fine line between acknowledging who he is, and actually having faith. I’ve realized that I just acknowledge his existence.

I know I should be doing these things. Just a few months ago I was on fire for this. I had given my testimony, started this blog, and reading. However, I was reading something I didn’t fully understand.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in two months and I’ve made the decision to go back onto anti depressants. However, just because I am on medication DOES NOT mean that I am not allowed to have a bad day.

Just because I have a bad day DOES NOT mean that I am not taking my medication. I want to make that perfectly clear.

I want to be a better daughter. A better friend. A better Christian. One that actually has faith and not just acknowledges that God sent his one and only son down on earth to be crucified for all of mankind.

I don’t want to fight with my Dad all the time. I want to be useful for something. I don’t want to have to keep relying on the bottle to help make me feel better temporarily.

But I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. If something happened. If I get into a car accident on my way home one night and died before the paramedics got there, I wouldn’t care. But I’m not going to commit suicide. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I refuse to put my parents through that.

I didn’t ask to be born, but I was. And that I do have to deal with. I have to deal with my own existence. I shouldn’t have to “deal with my own existence” I should want to live.

I don’t have any other vices left. Things that used to make me happy, no longer make me happy.

I don’t want to play my piano. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to talk to my family (sorry Mom, Granny, Dad, and Grandma. It’s not you).

Depression is a deep well that you have to climb yourself out of. However, right now, I can’t climb out.

Depression is walking in the middle of an Earthquake, but you’re slipping through the cracks and you have nothing to hold on to. My ground started out unsteady, but it’s turning into a full sized earthquake that I can’t stop.

The only person I can trust right now is my sponsor, and that alone was a hard thing to do.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash