Tag Archives: freedom

The Thing Beneath The Thing

Today, for the first time in a few months, I went to church. I’m glad I did. I had a breakdown Friday night while I was with friends. I felt like I didn’t belong, that nobody cared, and that I wasn’t good enough.

Today, the pastor talked about just that and he called it “The Thing Beneath the Thing” and he used a pretty awesome metaphor to describe it.

The big thing right now is potholes. They’re everywhere and some of these potholes are turning into major sinkholes causing accidents, and even fatalities all across America. Construction companies are just re-patching them and re-paving them but the problem lies within underground pipes that are leaking which is what causes these potholes that are turning into sinkholes. He did an extensive amount of research on it.

Re patching and re-paving are only a temporary fix to a recurring problem. He used this metaphor to compare it with grace. We sprinkle a little grace on whatever is going on in our lives and call it a day. But sometimes we have to dig deeper. We have to figure out the thing beneath the thing. Once we do that, we can properly fix our “potholes” so they don’t turn into major “sinkholes.”

I wish I could say that every Christian turns to God whenever things get rough. When depression hits, when we’ve taken prescription pills or blow through a fifth a night. But reality is we don’t. We get so hung up on being sad all the time that we don’t want to lean into God and trust his word. And if you say you do, if you lean into God EVERY¬†time ¬†something goes wrong in your life, then you’re lying.

Sometimes, we become addicted to the sadness. Sometimes, we can’t just let go and let God.

I’ve been a walking zombie for the last couple months. I haven’t picked up my bible. I know I should, I know I should lean into His word more, but I’ve become addicted to the sadness. I’ve learned what co-dependency is and realized that I am very co-dependent. With that, I have identified my “pothole” and can properly fix it.

He wants us to lean into him when we get sad or upset. He wants us to lean into Him when we have hit a pothole in our lives, but it’s hard. Sometimes it’s easier said than done.

The pastor then started talking about Peter, and I could relate. Peter sometimes did what God wanted him to do, and other times he didn’t. Why? I don’t know. I haven’t read 1 Peter just yet, but when I do, I’m sure I can figure it out.

In 1 Peter 5:7 it flat out says what we should do. “Casting all your anxieties on Him, because he cares for you.”

When Adam and Eve took a bite of the forbidden apple their initial reaction was to literally hide from God. They were ashamed, they felt guilty.

We are hiding behind the real reason why we feel the way that we feel. Everyday events trigger us, igniting a fight or flight response and I can’t speak to you, but when that kicks in I immediately go into flight. I’ve learned how to manage it better, but I haven’t been able to overcome going into flight mode. That’s something only God can do. I am hiding from the thing beneath the thing and I can’t hide forever.

 

Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash

Advertisements

No Strings Attached

No, I don’t mean this as a friends with benefits definition.

What I mean by no strings attached is that I’m free. I’ve spent so much time focusing on settling down, getting married, and popping out a couple of kids and worrying over if it might not happen for me.

It’s been different, it feels great!

I’m doing my own thing, at my own pace. I’m living my life how I want to. If I don’t feel like going out, I can stay in. If I don’t feel like staying in, I can go out. I don’t have any commitments or responsibilities to another person. I don’t have another person breathing down my back and it feels amazing.

Today, I went to pick a friend up. Then we went and hung out at the pool, the mall, we grabbed a bite to eat and her boyfriend joined us, then we went to go see this band in the local park.

It was great. They announced they were going to play Sinatra, and I knew the song and I shout out (it was an unintentionally loud shout) “I LOVE THIS” and I’m pretty sure the entire city of Plymouth heard me because several audience members behind me heard me and laughed a bit. Great times. #I’mawkward.

Anyway, it was a genuinely great day. Again, no expectations. I was free. I am free. I love my freedom and I’m not sure if I want to give that up just yet. I’m just now learning how to embrace being young, being the best person I can possibly be, and enjoying my time now.

My time is now.

I started writing poetry/spoken word again, and that feels great. I have missed writing. I might even go to an open mic some time and perform my stuff.

It’s days like today that keep me going. That keep me pushing. I am able to do literally whatever I want. As long as it’s legal, of course.

I’ve wasted so much time already because it took me 21 years to figure this out. But that’s okay because I’m still young. I still learned this before it was too late. I still have time to figure me out, but reality is, I will never figure me out entirely.

Does anybody figure out who they are entirely?

Photo by Maurice Schalker on Unsplash