Tag Archives: Discouragement

Depression Isn’t Crying All the Time

I’ve been fighting this battle for 8 years.

I’m so sick of people telling me that it’s going to get better. I’m sick of people telling me that it will all work out.

I’m sick of people trying to tell me to rely on God.

Praying, reading the Bible, and listening to God isn’t what’s going to get my bills paid. It’s not going to make me feel better.

Depression isn’t crying all the time. Depression is isolating yourself, your own brain convincing you that nobody cares, that nobody wants you around, etc.

Depression is wanting to do nothing but sleep all day.

Depression is feeling emotionally numb and socially detached.

Depression is mustering up the energy just to wake up, shower, and look decent.

I realized I know nothing about God. I’ve learned that there’s a fine line between acknowledging who he is, and actually having faith. I’ve realized that I just acknowledge his existence.

I know I should be doing these things. Just a few months ago I was on fire for this. I had given my testimony, started this blog, and reading. However, I was reading something I didn’t fully understand.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in two months and I’ve made the decision to go back onto anti depressants. However, just because I am on medication DOES NOT mean that I am not allowed to have a bad day.

Just because I have a bad day DOES NOT mean that I am not taking my medication. I want to make that perfectly clear.

I want to be a better daughter. A better friend. A better Christian. One that actually has faith and not just acknowledges that God sent his one and only son down on earth to be crucified for all of mankind.

I don’t want to fight with my Dad all the time. I want to be useful for something. I don’t want to have to keep relying on the bottle to help make me feel better temporarily.

But I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. If something happened. If I get into a car accident on my way home one night and died before the paramedics got there, I wouldn’t care. But I’m not going to commit suicide. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I refuse to put my parents through that.

I didn’t ask to be born, but I was. And that I do have to deal with. I have to deal with my own existence. I shouldn’t have to “deal with my own existence” I should want to live.

I don’t have any other vices left. Things that used to make me happy, no longer make me happy.

I don’t want to play my piano. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to talk to my family (sorry Mom, Granny, Dad, and Grandma. It’s not you).

Depression is a deep well that you have to climb yourself out of. However, right now, I can’t climb out.

Depression is walking in the middle of an Earthquake, but you’re slipping through the cracks and you have nothing to hold on to. My ground started out unsteady, but it’s turning into a full sized earthquake that I can’t stop.

The only person I can trust right now is my sponsor, and that alone was a hard thing to do.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

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Discouragement and Staying Sober

When I started this blog, I got really excited about being able to share my stories with the world. I was excited about knowing that I could make an impact to somebody, anybody.

However, today, I came across a blog that I thought was a lot better than mine. I didn’t get jealous, but I started to question what the point was with me doing this. I began to doubt myself, and more importantly, I began to doubt God.

I don’t want this blog to be about being “the perfect Christian.” This blog is far from. Besides, nobody is perfect. Plus, the word perfect is so relative anyway. It’s not a good word.

I want this blog to be about the daily struggles that ALL christians have. We all get mad at God, we all doubt God sometimes, and we all feel like God is not there. However, we have to make a conscious effort to remind ourselves that God never turns our back on us and that getting mad and doubting God is a human reaction. And guess what? HUMANS ARE NOT PERFECT.

What started this journey? I’m not sure if I ever really got into it. I got picked up for drinking and driving in December of 2017. My BAC was .09 and I was right by my house. I got arrested. Luckily, the end result was an Operating While Visually Impaired charge and not an Operating While Intoxicated charge, and I thank God everyday for that.

I was ordered to take impaired driving classes and that’s when I decided to give in. I decided to learn how to listen to God more. I decided that I’d actually make a conscious effort to make sure my faith remained solid. I may not blog every night, and I may not read the bible everyday, but at this point I pray more times a day than I probably have in the past year.

Another thing I did was start going to AA because I figured the courts would make me go anyway. They didn’t, so I stopped going.

However, recently, I started to go back. I’ve met some pretty incredible people and even a few remembered me and that felt really good.

However, I began questioning myself after the second meeting back. I’d find myself asking questions like “Am I really an alcoholic? Do I really belong here?” I decided to do the twelve steps anyway because I thought it would be an excellent opportunity for self growth, and growth with God.

Then tonight’s meeting happened. I had finally put words to explain how I felt. I was questioning if I was whether or not an alcoholic. Somebody said something to me and it struck me: If I have been arrested for drinking and driving, chances are I was an alcoholic. Normal drinkers don’t get “popped. That caused me to do some serious thinking.

Someone had also quoted something from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that gave the reader a challenge. Try controlled drinking. Have one drink and let it be just one drink.

This caused me to go into some serious thinking.

How many times have I went out before I got my DUI and told myself I’d have just one, but ended up having two or three? Too many to count.

I’ve only been 21 for almost 6 months and the last 4 months have been spent on probation. I still don’t have a solid answer to my question and I don’t have to. But a coworker asked me a question the other day that I could not answer. What is the whole point of drinking?

Maybe it’s better for me not to find out rather than finding out when it’s too late. I’ve also been terrified at the thought of never drinking again. Clue number two maybe? I don’t know. At this point, I don’t want to find out.

I have been sober for awhile, but never really kept track because I didn’t consider myself an “alcoholic”.

However, today. Something changed. I decided to keep track. Today counted as Day 1 in my book.

I’m so thankful that God made me realize how important this journey was, and I’m grateful that I’m able to make myself vulnerable and share my story with you.