Tag Archives: Alcoholic

Depression Isn’t Crying All the Time

I’ve been fighting this battle for 8 years.

I’m so sick of people telling me that it’s going to get better. I’m sick of people telling me that it will all work out.

I’m sick of people trying to tell me to rely on God.

Praying, reading the Bible, and listening to God isn’t what’s going to get my bills paid. It’s not going to make me feel better.

Depression isn’t crying all the time. Depression is isolating yourself, your own brain convincing you that nobody cares, that nobody wants you around, etc.

Depression is wanting to do nothing but sleep all day.

Depression is feeling emotionally numb and socially detached.

Depression is mustering up the energy just to wake up, shower, and look decent.

I realized I know nothing about God. I’ve learned that there’s a fine line between acknowledging who he is, and actually having faith. I’ve realized that I just acknowledge his existence.

I know I should be doing these things. Just a few months ago I was on fire for this. I had given my testimony, started this blog, and reading. However, I was reading something I didn’t fully understand.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in two months and I’ve made the decision to go back onto anti depressants. However, just because I am on medication DOES NOT mean that I am not allowed to have a bad day.

Just because I have a bad day DOES NOT mean that I am not taking my medication. I want to make that perfectly clear.

I want to be a better daughter. A better friend. A better Christian. One that actually has faith and not just acknowledges that God sent his one and only son down on earth to be crucified for all of mankind.

I don’t want to fight with my Dad all the time. I want to be useful for something. I don’t want to have to keep relying on the bottle to help make me feel better temporarily.

But I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. If something happened. If I get into a car accident on my way home one night and died before the paramedics got there, I wouldn’t care. But I’m not going to commit suicide. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I refuse to put my parents through that.

I didn’t ask to be born, but I was. And that I do have to deal with. I have to deal with my own existence. I shouldn’t have to “deal with my own existence” I should want to live.

I don’t have any other vices left. Things that used to make me happy, no longer make me happy.

I don’t want to play my piano. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to talk to my family (sorry Mom, Granny, Dad, and Grandma. It’s not you).

Depression is a deep well that you have to climb yourself out of. However, right now, I can’t climb out.

Depression is walking in the middle of an Earthquake, but you’re slipping through the cracks and you have nothing to hold on to. My ground started out unsteady, but it’s turning into a full sized earthquake that I can’t stop.

The only person I can trust right now is my sponsor, and that alone was a hard thing to do.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

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So About the Weekend,

 

I was sober for almost four months.

I don’t have a solid identity because I was drinking at the age most people try to figure it out. I was drinking at 16.

If someone says something about me, I believe them because I don’t know any better.

Multiple people have told me that they didn’t think I was an alcoholic. That I had only been 21 for a short amount of time and just ran in on some “bad luck” when I got busted for drinking and driving.

I felt that I had to prove to myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic, that I didn’t have a problem. I spent more time comparing  myself to other people rather than relating to other people.

I didn’t lose a home, a car, or kids. Maybe I’m not an alcoholic after all.

My sponsor stopped sponsoring me (I don’t blame her) and wasn’t that serious about another one.

I found out that I was off probation, and I started drinking again. At first I was able to control it, then Tuesday night happened.

I had stumbled to the bathroom (to go to the bathroom) and I stumbled back into my room. I was having a hard time breathing and it felt like something was weighing in on my chest. I thought I was dying and started to freak out.

It wasn’t until later that I realized I had had a panic attack. In the midst of this panic attack, my sober self came to me. I never wanted to feel that way again.

I don’t remember much from that night. I don’t even remember going to bed. It wasn’t until later I realized that I had blacked out.

I felt guilty, I felt ashamed. I was worried people, friends that I had met along this journey would hate me. They didn’t. They don’t. They greeted me with so much love and compassion. It was weird.

I had thought about shutting this blog down. I thought about my testimony and how everything that I’ve worked for within these last couple of months meant nothing because of this brief relapse.

After confiding in a close friend of mine, she told me that it’s all a part of my story and that it’s okay.

I decided to keep this blog going. I’m ashamed to admit that I wrote my last blog post while I was under the influence and I’m thinking about deleting that individual post, but still doing something along those lines.

I’m only 21 years old. What 21 year old wants to admit that she’s powerless over alcohol? I do. I don’t want another DUI, I don’t want to lose anything that I’ve worked hard for. I want a future for myself and if I keep on drinking, I won’t find any of that.

I’m thankful for the panic attack I had. Because it was painful. And I didn’t want to experience more pain. And that’s what alcohol will do to me if I continue.

I know that the thoughts of “maybe I’m not an alcoholic” will come back. But that’s when I’ll do something. Read, blog, go to a meeting, do something productive around the house (which would make my dad happy).

I’m thankful that I realize this now and not later. I’m thankful for the friends that didn’t abandon me.

I’m also thankful that this relapse was a quick one. There are a lot of people who relapse, and don’t always make it out.

Today was great. I was happy. I even did something I thought I could never do sober: dance. Funny right? It was weird at first, but I did it. And I did it sober. That’s a huge accomplishment for me.

I even went to a meeting that I had never gone before.

As far as my identity is concerned? I need to pray more, study the bible more, and blog more. Do things that make me happy and content, and finding my strength and peace within God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost.

I don’t know if I’m impacting or inspiring anyone, but I hope that I am.

And to all of my readers that know me personally, please don’t tell me that you don’t think I’m an alcoholic. Don’t tell me that I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t have to explain to you why I think that I’m an alcoholic. The only thing I ask for is support. So far, that hasn’t been an issue.

Maya Angelou once said “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, and how you can still come out of it.”

Bethany Hamilton is a surfer. A good surfer. A shark bit her arm off and she felt defeated, but she didn’t give up. She learned how to surf with one arm because she didn’t give up.

Ok so what, I stumbled. The point is I’m getting back up, I’m trying again, and I came out of it. I can look forward, I can move forward, I can look back and realize what got me here as long as I don’t dwell on the past. I’m not giving up.

Not every day is going to be as great as today, but all I have to worry about right now is today.

Photo by Vek Labs on Unsplash

 

 

I Have $86,400

There’s this person I’ve been following on facebook. His name is Jay Shetty and he lived as a monk for a few years.

I was watching one of his videos and he made an analogy.

“Imagine if every day, $86,400 was deposited into your bank account and at the end of the day, that $86,400 disappeared but you’d wake up with another $86,400 was deposited. How would you spend it? Every day, we have 86,400 seconds and we can’t get it back” (to watch the actual video, click here).

It’s not quite verbatim, but pretty close.

I used to love sleeping in until mid-late afternoon. Usually 1, 2, sometimes even 3 pm. After watching that video? I feel weird sleeping in. I feel like I’m wasting my day.

Yesterday was a good day. I got everything accomplished that I wanted to get accomplished. It felt really good seeing things crossed off in my planner. I felt accomplished. I felt like it was a good day and my mood was overall better.

Today, that didn’t happen. I woke up an hour before I had to work. Didn’t get anything done. No readings, no blogging (until now) just nothing. I felt like crap.

I noticed a change because I had made myself more productive yesterday. I liked the feeling that came with it. Today, I didn’t have that feeling because I wanted to hit the snooze button one last time, and that lasted for 6 hours. (I wanted to be up by 8 AM but didn’t actually wake up until 2 PM).

I also prayed yesterday. Prayed that I would have the strength to get up that early, and that I would have the motivation, and that work would be easy. And it was. I had the strength, the motivation, and work was relatively easy.

Today I didn’t. I realize how important that is for me to do.

If I want more productive days, I have to force myself to wake up even if I don’t want to. I don’t want to waste that $86,400.

Photo by Olga DeLawrence on Unsplash

Something Greater than Yourself Does Exist

We are human. We want to believe that we are the center of the universe. We expect people to serve us left, right, up, down and sideways. We expect to get what we want, when we want, how we want it.

THAT IS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS.

If you want to recover from your alcoholism/addiction, the pride and the selfishness has to go. It’s a lot easier said than done, trust me, I’ve been there. However, if I can do it, then you can do it. You just have to want it.

We have to admit defeat. As someone once told me at a table, self will doesn’t cure self will. But God’s will? His will, and only His will can cure self will.

Honestly, it’s because of God and his grace that I’ve stayed relatively sane these last couple of months. It’s been one thing after another, yet I’m still sober, and I’m still ok.

If I wasn’t sober, well then I can say without a doubt that the outcome of things would have been a lot worse.

I’m not worried about things. I’m not worried about life. I’m calm. If you truly want to be sober, I pray that you come to believe in a power greater than yourself. Once you do that, you’ll find that life as so much more to offer. That you’ve been blessed and didn’t even realize it. You’ll realize what the real solution to your problems are.

To give you an example: If you’ve read my other blog posts, you’d know that a few weeks ago I got into an accident and totaled my car. This was a trigger for me. I wanted a drink so badly. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Instead of going to the bar, violating probation and drinking my income away, I talked to people.

The next day, I called my bank. Because of the credit I’ve been building, I was approved for a loan to get a new vehicle and by the end of that day, I was driving home with a new car. Well, not brand new, but new to me.

I could have drank. If I did, then I probably to this day would still be without a car. God had everything planned for me from the start. It was a test. A test that I believe I passed.

It all worked out. It always will if you come to believe in a power greater than yourself.

I grew up Catholic and left the church for a really long time. I believed that there was something out there, but didn’t acknowledge that presence. I’m acknowledging it here and now.

My higher power is God. Your higher power doesn’t have to be. I am a Christian, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. Open mindedness and willingness are key. I respect other beliefs. Because the world doesn’t revolve around me.

Photo by NASA on Unsplash

How Paul Listened and Trusted God

So, we left off when Paul stood in front of King Agrippa and shared his story. Now, Paul is setting sail for Rome to go in front of Nero. Since that is what he appealed for.

On his journey to Rome, they had come across a storm. Paul even predicted the storm in Acts 27:10 “Men, I can see that our voyage is going to be disastrous and bring great loss to ship and cargo, and to our own lives also.” However, nobody wanted to listen to Paul and they set sail directly into the storm.

However, what happens next is pretty awesome.

Paul tells them that they should have listened to him, but lives would be spared. “But now I urge you to keep your courage, because not one of you will be lost; only the ship will be destroyed. Last night an angel of the God to whom I serve stood beside me and said Do not be afraid, Paul. You must stand trial before Caesar; and God has graciously given you the lives of all who sail with you. So keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me.” (Acts 27:22-25).

The ship does wreck, but everyone does reach land safely. Only because Paul trusted the Lord, and he listened.

He trusted. 

I want to take a moment to acknowledge that trusting in God is a lot easier said than done. As humans, we want proof that something exists. We want immediate answers, and some of us (myself included) wants direct communication with God like the angel coming to Paul.

Prayer is communication, but we don’t always get an immediate response. It’s like playing phone tag with someone for about a week before you actually get a hold of that person.

However, prayer is essential. Trusting in God is essential. Without faith, we are nothing. Trusting in the unseen is basically what defines faith. I’ve made this argument before, and I’ll make it again.

We can’t see the wind, but we can feel it. We can see the effects wind has on the trees, us, the leaves.

We can’t see our internal organs, but we know they’re there. We know that they are functioning to keep us alive and breathing.

Just because we can’t see something, doesn’t mean it’s not there and that we shouldn’t trust in it.

Hebrews 11:1 says “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

2 Corinthians 5:7 says “For we walk by faith, not by sight.”

 

Paul and his crew were in a crisis. But Paul knew what to do like it was second nature, because he trusted in God. Paul was walking by faith. I can honestly say that with prayer, and reading the word, knowing what to do when life gets you down will become second nature.

God doesn’t create our downfalls, he uses them for the better. He uses them so that we can know Him and trust Him. In the midst of tragedy, there is always something beautiful that can be taken from it. However, our eyes have to be open and we have to be awake if we want to take that beauty from the tragedy.

Are your eyes open? Do you trust in Him?

Photo by Nathan Pirkle on Unsplash

 

I’m Drunk! On Gods Love That Is

Tonight was incredible. It was worship night at my church group. Just singing. Praising. Worshipping.

In that moment, the ground that I was walking on was steady. The earthquake stopped. And the waters were calm.

For the first time, I felt drunk. But not in the usual sense of the word. I was feeling serenity, calm, love, joy, happiness.

I was singing and I meant every word I was singing.

There were no doubts. There was no fear. There was no worry. For the first time in awhile, I truly felt ok.

I wasn’t thinking about work. I wasn’t thinking about what’s going to happen with my license (if anything). I wasn’t running through the list I have in my head over and over again like I usually do.

I felt close to God. I felt close with God. I felt close with the people I was with, and I felt like I belonged.

I’m still not dreading work like I usually do. Maybe it’s because I actually look forward to things on my off days now. Maybe it’s because I got my planner and planned my week out.

Maybe it’s because I started reading again. I don’t know the answer, nor do I want to know the answer. I just hope that this feeling stays. I’m drunk on Gods love and I’m loving the feeling.

Something that not even a bottle of tequila could do. I’m glad I started this journey and I’m glad that I started taking it seriously. Not focused on anything but myself. Which may sound selfish, but it’s teaching me how to be selfless.

I don’t feel as closed off anymore. I’m opening up a little bit at a time. For the first time, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash

Giving My Testimony

Just an update, I added a new page to my blog.

It’s called “My Testimony.”

I wanted to make a video because I feel like it becomes more personal if you can see the person sharing. I was going to record it while I was sharing it at my church, but completely forgot.

I thank God that I have reached a point where I can feel like I can share my story. I pray that someone becomes impacted.

I wasn’t able to post the video directly, so I had to post it onto youtube. Feel free to check it out here

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash