Tag Archives: Alcohol

Depression Isn’t Crying All the Time

I’ve been fighting this battle for 8 years.

I’m so sick of people telling me that it’s going to get better. I’m sick of people telling me that it will all work out.

I’m sick of people trying to tell me to rely on God.

Praying, reading the Bible, and listening to God isn’t what’s going to get my bills paid. It’s not going to make me feel better.

Depression isn’t crying all the time. Depression is isolating yourself, your own brain convincing you that nobody cares, that nobody wants you around, etc.

Depression is wanting to do nothing but sleep all day.

Depression is feeling emotionally numb and socially detached.

Depression is mustering up the energy just to wake up, shower, and look decent.

I realized I know nothing about God. I’ve learned that there’s a fine line between acknowledging who he is, and actually having faith. I’ve realized that I just acknowledge his existence.

I know I should be doing these things. Just a few months ago I was on fire for this. I had given my testimony, started this blog, and reading. However, I was reading something I didn’t fully understand.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in two months and I’ve made the decision to go back onto anti depressants. However, just because I am on medication DOES NOT mean that I am not allowed to have a bad day.

Just because I have a bad day DOES NOT mean that I am not taking my medication. I want to make that perfectly clear.

I want to be a better daughter. A better friend. A better Christian. One that actually has faith and not just acknowledges that God sent his one and only son down on earth to be crucified for all of mankind.

I don’t want to fight with my Dad all the time. I want to be useful for something. I don’t want to have to keep relying on the bottle to help make me feel better temporarily.

But I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. If something happened. If I get into a car accident on my way home one night and died before the paramedics got there, I wouldn’t care. But I’m not going to commit suicide. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I refuse to put my parents through that.

I didn’t ask to be born, but I was. And that I do have to deal with. I have to deal with my own existence. I shouldn’t have to “deal with my own existence” I should want to live.

I don’t have any other vices left. Things that used to make me happy, no longer make me happy.

I don’t want to play my piano. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to talk to my family (sorry Mom, Granny, Dad, and Grandma. It’s not you).

Depression is a deep well that you have to climb yourself out of. However, right now, I can’t climb out.

Depression is walking in the middle of an Earthquake, but you’re slipping through the cracks and you have nothing to hold on to. My ground started out unsteady, but it’s turning into a full sized earthquake that I can’t stop.

The only person I can trust right now is my sponsor, and that alone was a hard thing to do.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

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Difficult Roads Lead to Beautiful Destinations

The title of this blog comes from my sobriety app. Today wasn’t a good day, but it wasn’t a bad one either.

My goal was to be up by 9:00 AM. I was going to do my readings and then hit a meeting. However, I slept until 11 and was a few minutes late to the meeting, and I felt bad for being late but that’s okay.

During the meeting, I had said something. And someone thanked me for saying what I had said because it just reminded them of what they need to remind themselves and that felt amazing. I guess I did something right.

I came home, and had some stressors but I talked to someone about it and decided to do something to get me out of myself. I called a friend for advice, and followed the advice that was given. I did some housework, took care of the pets, meditated, and left for work. Not really looking forward to the 10 hour shift, however I did my best to stay out of that mindset. The stressor that was there before had gone away.

I always had something to focus on while at work. And I would say I was pretty productive.

We got insanely busy towards the end before we closed, but somehow, someway I managed to keep calm. Normally I’d start stressing out and get really irritated, but I didn’t.

We had some extra help tonight, and I was super thankful for that. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have gotten out at 3 AM. Granted, it didn’t matter to me what time we got out because either way there was always a plus side. If we didn’t have extra help, that would be more money in my pocket. Since we did have extra help, we got out a lot sooner than what we would have been.

Even had a few familiar faces come through. It was pleasant.

I just came home and to my surprise, I came home and my ceiling fan was working. So thanks dad. I don’t know what you did (it hasn’t been working ever since we moved in to the place we live at now).

Plus, I successfully came into the house and didn’t wake anybody up. So that was nice. Otherwise we would have had a problem. Well, I would of had a problem.

I have so much to be thankful for. Tonight would have been a night where I’d want something to drink. I had a long (but productive) day and felt that I would have deserved something. But to be completely honest, I’m way too tired to deal with that.

I need to start my readings up again soon, and I plan to. My main focus right now is not hitting the snooze button 20,000 times before waking up.

I’m thankful for today. I thank God for keeping me sober today.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

So About the Weekend,

 

I was sober for almost four months.

I don’t have a solid identity because I was drinking at the age most people try to figure it out. I was drinking at 16.

If someone says something about me, I believe them because I don’t know any better.

Multiple people have told me that they didn’t think I was an alcoholic. That I had only been 21 for a short amount of time and just ran in on some “bad luck” when I got busted for drinking and driving.

I felt that I had to prove to myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic, that I didn’t have a problem. I spent more time comparing  myself to other people rather than relating to other people.

I didn’t lose a home, a car, or kids. Maybe I’m not an alcoholic after all.

My sponsor stopped sponsoring me (I don’t blame her) and wasn’t that serious about another one.

I found out that I was off probation, and I started drinking again. At first I was able to control it, then Tuesday night happened.

I had stumbled to the bathroom (to go to the bathroom) and I stumbled back into my room. I was having a hard time breathing and it felt like something was weighing in on my chest. I thought I was dying and started to freak out.

It wasn’t until later that I realized I had had a panic attack. In the midst of this panic attack, my sober self came to me. I never wanted to feel that way again.

I don’t remember much from that night. I don’t even remember going to bed. It wasn’t until later I realized that I had blacked out.

I felt guilty, I felt ashamed. I was worried people, friends that I had met along this journey would hate me. They didn’t. They don’t. They greeted me with so much love and compassion. It was weird.

I had thought about shutting this blog down. I thought about my testimony and how everything that I’ve worked for within these last couple of months meant nothing because of this brief relapse.

After confiding in a close friend of mine, she told me that it’s all a part of my story and that it’s okay.

I decided to keep this blog going. I’m ashamed to admit that I wrote my last blog post while I was under the influence and I’m thinking about deleting that individual post, but still doing something along those lines.

I’m only 21 years old. What 21 year old wants to admit that she’s powerless over alcohol? I do. I don’t want another DUI, I don’t want to lose anything that I’ve worked hard for. I want a future for myself and if I keep on drinking, I won’t find any of that.

I’m thankful for the panic attack I had. Because it was painful. And I didn’t want to experience more pain. And that’s what alcohol will do to me if I continue.

I know that the thoughts of “maybe I’m not an alcoholic” will come back. But that’s when I’ll do something. Read, blog, go to a meeting, do something productive around the house (which would make my dad happy).

I’m thankful that I realize this now and not later. I’m thankful for the friends that didn’t abandon me.

I’m also thankful that this relapse was a quick one. There are a lot of people who relapse, and don’t always make it out.

Today was great. I was happy. I even did something I thought I could never do sober: dance. Funny right? It was weird at first, but I did it. And I did it sober. That’s a huge accomplishment for me.

I even went to a meeting that I had never gone before.

As far as my identity is concerned? I need to pray more, study the bible more, and blog more. Do things that make me happy and content, and finding my strength and peace within God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost.

I don’t know if I’m impacting or inspiring anyone, but I hope that I am.

And to all of my readers that know me personally, please don’t tell me that you don’t think I’m an alcoholic. Don’t tell me that I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t have to explain to you why I think that I’m an alcoholic. The only thing I ask for is support. So far, that hasn’t been an issue.

Maya Angelou once said “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, and how you can still come out of it.”

Bethany Hamilton is a surfer. A good surfer. A shark bit her arm off and she felt defeated, but she didn’t give up. She learned how to surf with one arm because she didn’t give up.

Ok so what, I stumbled. The point is I’m getting back up, I’m trying again, and I came out of it. I can look forward, I can move forward, I can look back and realize what got me here as long as I don’t dwell on the past. I’m not giving up.

Not every day is going to be as great as today, but all I have to worry about right now is today.

Photo by Vek Labs on Unsplash

 

 

Something Greater than Yourself Does Exist

We are human. We want to believe that we are the center of the universe. We expect people to serve us left, right, up, down and sideways. We expect to get what we want, when we want, how we want it.

THAT IS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS.

If you want to recover from your alcoholism/addiction, the pride and the selfishness has to go. It’s a lot easier said than done, trust me, I’ve been there. However, if I can do it, then you can do it. You just have to want it.

We have to admit defeat. As someone once told me at a table, self will doesn’t cure self will. But God’s will? His will, and only His will can cure self will.

Honestly, it’s because of God and his grace that I’ve stayed relatively sane these last couple of months. It’s been one thing after another, yet I’m still sober, and I’m still ok.

If I wasn’t sober, well then I can say without a doubt that the outcome of things would have been a lot worse.

I’m not worried about things. I’m not worried about life. I’m calm. If you truly want to be sober, I pray that you come to believe in a power greater than yourself. Once you do that, you’ll find that life as so much more to offer. That you’ve been blessed and didn’t even realize it. You’ll realize what the real solution to your problems are.

To give you an example: If you’ve read my other blog posts, you’d know that a few weeks ago I got into an accident and totaled my car. This was a trigger for me. I wanted a drink so badly. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Instead of going to the bar, violating probation and drinking my income away, I talked to people.

The next day, I called my bank. Because of the credit I’ve been building, I was approved for a loan to get a new vehicle and by the end of that day, I was driving home with a new car. Well, not brand new, but new to me.

I could have drank. If I did, then I probably to this day would still be without a car. God had everything planned for me from the start. It was a test. A test that I believe I passed.

It all worked out. It always will if you come to believe in a power greater than yourself.

I grew up Catholic and left the church for a really long time. I believed that there was something out there, but didn’t acknowledge that presence. I’m acknowledging it here and now.

My higher power is God. Your higher power doesn’t have to be. I am a Christian, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. Open mindedness and willingness are key. I respect other beliefs. Because the world doesn’t revolve around me.

Photo by NASA on Unsplash

I’m Drunk! On Gods Love That Is

Tonight was incredible. It was worship night at my church group. Just singing. Praising. Worshipping.

In that moment, the ground that I was walking on was steady. The earthquake stopped. And the waters were calm.

For the first time, I felt drunk. But not in the usual sense of the word. I was feeling serenity, calm, love, joy, happiness.

I was singing and I meant every word I was singing.

There were no doubts. There was no fear. There was no worry. For the first time in awhile, I truly felt ok.

I wasn’t thinking about work. I wasn’t thinking about what’s going to happen with my license (if anything). I wasn’t running through the list I have in my head over and over again like I usually do.

I felt close to God. I felt close with God. I felt close with the people I was with, and I felt like I belonged.

I’m still not dreading work like I usually do. Maybe it’s because I actually look forward to things on my off days now. Maybe it’s because I got my planner and planned my week out.

Maybe it’s because I started reading again. I don’t know the answer, nor do I want to know the answer. I just hope that this feeling stays. I’m drunk on Gods love and I’m loving the feeling.

Something that not even a bottle of tequila could do. I’m glad I started this journey and I’m glad that I started taking it seriously. Not focused on anything but myself. Which may sound selfish, but it’s teaching me how to be selfless.

I don’t feel as closed off anymore. I’m opening up a little bit at a time. For the first time, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash

Giving My Testimony

Just an update, I added a new page to my blog.

It’s called “My Testimony.”

I wanted to make a video because I feel like it becomes more personal if you can see the person sharing. I was going to record it while I was sharing it at my church, but completely forgot.

I thank God that I have reached a point where I can feel like I can share my story. I pray that someone becomes impacted.

I wasn’t able to post the video directly, so I had to post it onto youtube. Feel free to check it out here

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Let’s Talk Emotions

I’m a little over a month in my journey with sobriety. And I can honestly say that this has been the most emotional month I’ve had in a while..probably because I’m sober. I feel things, I feel things on a deep level. That’s one of the many reasons why I drank.

I’m going to be honest, it sucks. It sucks so hard. One minute I’m crying at a table and an hour later I’m smiling, laughing, and nobody would have guessed I had a mental breakdown that hour beforehand.

However, the more people I talk to in recovery, the more I realize this is normal. Our emotions are going to be over the place. We’re going to be sensitive at first, we’re going to get irritated more easily than others because we aren’t drinking our feelings away.

All I can say is don’t give up.

I feel like I’m walking on an earthquake about to slip through the cracks. I’m hanging on to one tiny piece of rope. That rope is everything I want to be. Everything I’m striving to be. That rope is what is saving my life right now and I can’t let go of it, not yet. If I let go, then I fall to my death. That’s not what I want.

Sobriety isn’t easy. Giving in to a power greater than yourself isn’t easy. But things that we’re destined for aren’t meant to be easy. People can’t progress if they don’t want to put in the work.

My parents worry about me-alot. It irritates me because I am an adult. I have freedoms I didn’t have when I was 16. Them worrying is annoying. But it’s their job as a parent. One parent is 300 miles away and worries. It’s frustrating, I don’t like it. I work afternoons. So I’m most active at night and in the late afternoon. I have to be careful to not wake my Dad up when I’m coming home at 2-3 in the morning.

He gets irritated because I’m coming home so late. He works a 9 to 5 monday-friday type job, gets up earlier, and goes to bed earlier. I don’t have that right now so my schedule is backwards.

Little things like that make me so mad. But someone said to me “How would you feel if you guys didn’t fight over what time you were coming home? How would you feel if they couldn’t worry anymore?” and honestly, that changed my perspective and I became less irritated.

In our journey in sobriety advances, our emotions are going to be scattered and we’re not going to know how to deal. The beautiful thing is we don’t have to deal with it all at once. The key to it though is perspective. There are so many different outlooks on life, and it’s our choice to choose which outlook we want. We can choose to live positively, or we can choose to live negatively. It’s up to us.

If you feel like me, you aren’t alone. It’s normal, but don’t ever give up. Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens.

Photo by Alex Wigan on Unsplash