Told you changes would be coming!
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Told you changes would be coming!
Check out my new blog here:
Tonight, I felt the need to blog. Since the move, things have been going great. Until recently.
Before I explain, I need to start off by saying that I don’t have the best driving record out there. About a month after moving, I get a letter from Michigan’s DMV saying that my license has been indefinitely suspended because I failed to appear to a drivers reexamination. However, I never got the notification to appear. So I called them. After being on hold for about an hour, they said that they sent a notification out on October 12. Days after I had made the move.
In order to get my license back, I had to have a doctor fill out a form and send it back to Michigan’s DMV. I can’t get a PA license until this is cleared.
I got the form completed, and I sent it out. However, part of me is scared that I’ll never get my license back (it’s a bit extreme, I know). Then this verse popped up. Isaiah 41:10.
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
From what I gather after reading the chapter, is that God is speaking to the people of Israel. They don’t have to be afraid, because God will help them through.
I sit here and I think about how far God has gotten me. I managed to get myself out of a sticky situation when I got stranded in Ohio. He has provided for me financially to go back to Michigan for the rest of my things. He has given me a job to help pay the bills and a way to continue my education. So what makes this situation any different? Why am I so afraid?
I may not know what God’s plan is for me. My life is a bunch of tiny puzzle pieces that will come together when I die. I won’t get to see the puzzle until I die. I’m living in the unknown.
God works in mysterious ways, and I can’t just keep taking my own self will back every time things don’t go my way. That my friends, is my biggest problem. I know he provides, and rewards the faithful. So what am I so afraid of? Deep down, I know I’ll get my license back. So why am I so worried?
The best logical answer I can come up with is that I’m only human. I’m not perfect, I never will be perfect. The best I can do is base my decisions on what the Lord is saying to me, and what He wants me to do. That can only be accomplished if I’m willing to listen. If I’m not willing to listen then it’s never going to work.
When the Israelites were traveling to the Promised Land, I’m sure that things weren’t going their way.
No journey is easy. That’s why we have to trust in The Plan. We have to trust that these puzzle pieces that we call our lives will join together one day and create a beautiful masterpiece. We have to remain faithful. I have to remain faithful.
I’ve been fighting this battle for 8 years.
I’m so sick of people telling me that it’s going to get better. I’m sick of people telling me that it will all work out.
I’m sick of people trying to tell me to rely on God.
Praying, reading the Bible, and listening to God isn’t what’s going to get my bills paid. It’s not going to make me feel better.
Depression isn’t crying all the time. Depression is isolating yourself, your own brain convincing you that nobody cares, that nobody wants you around, etc.
Depression is wanting to do nothing but sleep all day.
Depression is feeling emotionally numb and socially detached.
Depression is mustering up the energy just to wake up, shower, and look decent.
I realized I know nothing about God. I’ve learned that there’s a fine line between acknowledging who he is, and actually having faith. I’ve realized that I just acknowledge his existence.
I know I should be doing these things. Just a few months ago I was on fire for this. I had given my testimony, started this blog, and reading. However, I was reading something I didn’t fully understand.
I saw my therapist today for the first time in two months and I’ve made the decision to go back onto anti depressants. However, just because I am on medication DOES NOT mean that I am not allowed to have a bad day.
Just because I have a bad day DOES NOT mean that I am not taking my medication. I want to make that perfectly clear.
I want to be a better daughter. A better friend. A better Christian. One that actually has faith and not just acknowledges that God sent his one and only son down on earth to be crucified for all of mankind.
I don’t want to fight with my Dad all the time. I want to be useful for something. I don’t want to have to keep relying on the bottle to help make me feel better temporarily.
But I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. If something happened. If I get into a car accident on my way home one night and died before the paramedics got there, I wouldn’t care. But I’m not going to commit suicide. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I refuse to put my parents through that.
I didn’t ask to be born, but I was. And that I do have to deal with. I have to deal with my own existence. I shouldn’t have to “deal with my own existence” I should want to live.
I don’t have any other vices left. Things that used to make me happy, no longer make me happy.
I don’t want to play my piano. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to talk to my family (sorry Mom, Granny, Dad, and Grandma. It’s not you).
Depression is a deep well that you have to climb yourself out of. However, right now, I can’t climb out.
Depression is walking in the middle of an Earthquake, but you’re slipping through the cracks and you have nothing to hold on to. My ground started out unsteady, but it’s turning into a full sized earthquake that I can’t stop.
The only person I can trust right now is my sponsor, and that alone was a hard thing to do.
Today, for the first time in a few months, I went to church. I’m glad I did. I had a breakdown Friday night while I was with friends. I felt like I didn’t belong, that nobody cared, and that I wasn’t good enough.
Today, the pastor talked about just that and he called it “The Thing Beneath the Thing” and he used a pretty awesome metaphor to describe it.
The big thing right now is potholes. They’re everywhere and some of these potholes are turning into major sinkholes causing accidents, and even fatalities all across America. Construction companies are just re-patching them and re-paving them but the problem lies within underground pipes that are leaking which is what causes these potholes that are turning into sinkholes. He did an extensive amount of research on it.
Re patching and re-paving are only a temporary fix to a recurring problem. He used this metaphor to compare it with grace. We sprinkle a little grace on whatever is going on in our lives and call it a day. But sometimes we have to dig deeper. We have to figure out the thing beneath the thing. Once we do that, we can properly fix our “potholes” so they don’t turn into major “sinkholes.”
I wish I could say that every Christian turns to God whenever things get rough. When depression hits, when we’ve taken prescription pills or blow through a fifth a night. But reality is we don’t. We get so hung up on being sad all the time that we don’t want to lean into God and trust his word. And if you say you do, if you lean into God EVERY time something goes wrong in your life, then you’re lying.
Sometimes, we become addicted to the sadness. Sometimes, we can’t just let go and let God.
I’ve been a walking zombie for the last couple months. I haven’t picked up my bible. I know I should, I know I should lean into His word more, but I’ve become addicted to the sadness. I’ve learned what co-dependency is and realized that I am very co-dependent. With that, I have identified my “pothole” and can properly fix it.
He wants us to lean into him when we get sad or upset. He wants us to lean into Him when we have hit a pothole in our lives, but it’s hard. Sometimes it’s easier said than done.
The pastor then started talking about Peter, and I could relate. Peter sometimes did what God wanted him to do, and other times he didn’t. Why? I don’t know. I haven’t read 1 Peter just yet, but when I do, I’m sure I can figure it out.
In 1 Peter 5:7 it flat out says what we should do. “Casting all your anxieties on Him, because he cares for you.”
When Adam and Eve took a bite of the forbidden apple their initial reaction was to literally hide from God. They were ashamed, they felt guilty.
We are hiding behind the real reason why we feel the way that we feel. Everyday events trigger us, igniting a fight or flight response and I can’t speak to you, but when that kicks in I immediately go into flight. I’ve learned how to manage it better, but I haven’t been able to overcome going into flight mode. That’s something only God can do. I am hiding from the thing beneath the thing and I can’t hide forever.