Category Archives: journey

Exhausted, But Worth it.

This blog post couldn’t have come at a better time. This past Thursday, I went to my college group at my church and my leader talked about how we strive towards something that we think is worth it (the series is called Marching On: Marching Toward Jesus).

As I have posted previously, I lost my job last Thursday. I was freaking out, but I knew it would all be okay. I sent in an app to the University of Michigan as a temp employee and had this feeling that I should wait a few days and see what happens. So I did.

Looking back, I know that was God. This past Monday, I got a call from someone I knew from my old job. I asked if I could call her back because I was getting ready to walk into class to take my midterm. She asked for 5 minutes so I said ok. She told me about someone she knew who ran a factory for Dunkin’ Donuts. He needed people. So I asked her for his number and that I’d call him tomorrow (Tuesday). So I did. By 3 pm on Tuesday I met with him and toured the facility.

He told me how much I’d be making (only $1 less than my last job), medical, dental, and vision insurance, as well as paid time off. It was a different environment than what I was used to but there was no way I’d go back to working fast food (no offense Wendy’s! I still love you). I ended up getting hired in on the spot. My first day was this past Saturday. The shifts are different because they’re mids (I start at two) but it’s well worth it.

As much as I loved my previous job, this job is by far better. My boss is flexible with my schedule, I have benefits, I have PTO, a paid break, and I always have something to do. I’m nowhere near a clock either so I’m not really focused on the time.

I love my previous job and I still visit. However, there’s a reason it didn’t work out and I’m somewhat glad that it didn’t. I can move up at this new job if I do well enough. I couldn’t do that with my last job. My former boss said something to me during the short time I was unemployed. She said, “you are so much better than this job.” and I’m beginning to think she’s right.

Even though I’m now working 9-10 hour shifts, my feet are sore when I get home, as well as my back, it’s worth it. The pain is worth it.

Just like my journey and growing closer with God. It’s tough, it isn’t always easy. It won’t be easy. I’ll face trouble and hard times, but in the end I know it’s worth it.

I’m excited.

Also, I have built up the courage to give my testimony at my college group. Not sure when it’ll be just yet, but keep your eye out for the date. If you’re interested in attending, please email me via the email in the contact section of my blog.

I will also ask someone to record it and will be posting it onto here.

As far as my bible journey goes, I tried to write them on a daily basis, but that isn’t going to work. Monday, Wednesday, and Thursdays are my off days so I’ll try to blog then.

Thank you guys for being so supportive and loving. You have no idea how much it means.

Take care and God bless.

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To All the Women Out There, You Are Good Enough

One thing I felt like I needed to talk about was women and how our romantic relationships with men can alter us, if we let it.

Do you feel “left out” because some of your friends are getting engaged and getting married? Do you feel like it’s been nothing but failed relationship after failed relationship and some nights you feel like you were just going to die alone? This blog is for you.

I’ve been there, and maybe I’m still there. I’m only 21 and I’ve been through so much. I couldn’t even sum it up into one blog post. I’m constantly thinking about not missing an opportunity and becoming afraid.

Example: I see a really cute guy at the supermarket. I want to go and strike up a conversation that could possibly lead to exchanging phone numbers, but I’m too scared. If I don’t do it, then I could be missing the chance to find the love of my life.

I’ve learned that 1. This mindset is so unbiblical to have and 2. That’s not just how it works.

For a long time, I thought love and relationships would be just like it was in The Wedding Singer, Titanic, The Notebook, and all those other cliche Hollywood movies. However, it’s not. Granted they are nice to watch, but that’s not how real life works.

Awhile back, I read a book called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris. It’s a wonderful book and I strongly recommend reading it. It was a book on how to take a Christian approach when it comes to modern dating.

What is the whole point of dating? To get married. We want to get to know a person (dating) to figure out if we want to marry them.

God didn’t plan for us to be alone. He created Eve for Adam.

There have been times where I went a little too boy crazy, and times where I may have found the “right” one but let him go.

Dating in this day and age is incredibly hard. We have bumble, tinder, match, eHarmony. Even Christian mingle! For some, they’re useful. Others? Not so much.

It feels like most men from my generation “aren’t ready for a relationship” and they want all the physical benefits of one. That’s not how I work. That’s not how I operate. I’m not going to compromise in what I believe just for a guy.

The best relationships start off as really great friendships and they progress slowly. It requires patience. A rose just doesn’t bloom overnight.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…”

Someone once told me to replace the word “love” in this verse with a person I’m seeing. If their behavior matches with this verse, then I should stay with him. If not, they’re not the one for me. The Bible laid out what we should look for in this verse alone.

We should be looking for someone who is patient with us, someone who is kind, not envious, not boastful. Someone who is humble and selfless.

Some women blame themselves for a man cheating, hitting, manipulating them, etc etc. “Maybe if I was thinner, maybe if I actually tried harder” are all things women say to justify a mans actions. The thing is we shouldn’t. We are good enough, we are strong enough and any man who really loves a woman will take care of them, provide for them, support them, etc.

If I have to wait 50 years for that type of man, then I will. Our time that we are given while we are single is to spend time with God and grow closer to Him. God provides, he always provides.

It doesn’t suck being single. Take it from me, I thought it did. It gives us the time to learn who we are as women and what we want. Being single allows us to enjoy life and when we’re ready, we’ll find someone. The most important thing for us single women to do is love and respect ourselves. That’s our number 1 priority. Think about how you want a man to perceive you. And remember, bad company corrupts good morals. 😉

Here is what I want you to do, somebody awhile back told me to do this. Make a list of all the qualities you want in a man, then write down the qualities women of the Bible have. See how many qualities you can match up with women of the bible. The qualities that you don’t match up with, aspire to be.

Finding Strength in the Dark

Strength isn’t like a flashlight or a nightlight you can use when you get scared of the dark. It isn’t just there, it has to be found.

Thursday, my worst nightmare came true. I lost my job. I tried (and am still trying) to maintain the positive attitude I’ve worked months on establishing. I went to an event with my head held high, and enjoyed conversation with some of the friends I had made there.

However, it didn’t actually sink in until that night. I cried myself to sleep. I cried harder than I have before. I was scared. How am I going to pay bills? What is going to happen to me? What about those that I love that are there? I ended up going to bed with a massive headache.

I needed time to heal. To reprogram. That’s why I haven’t been blogging alot. However, you guys deserve to know what is going on in my life, because that’s one of the reasons I started this blog.

I’m trying to maintain my “everything happens for a reason” and “God has a plan for everything” mentality, however, I’m going to be really vulnerable when I say this: It can be incredibly hard when you are mad at Him. God is our heavenly Father, and He does things very parent-like and its challenging when we don’t know what that plan is or what He has in store for us.

As humans, we still have emotions and it is still perfectly okay to be mad at him when things go south. One thing that I’m trying to keep in mind is that God doesn’t shut one door just to keep it shut. He shuts one door because He is opening one for us.

Am I mad at God now? Absolutely! He knows that I have bills to pay. How could He let this happen to me? However, I know there is a reason for this happening. He has a reason for this happening. I may not know it, but He does and that is all that matters.

As for my previous employer: this blog isn’t to slander or defame them. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. It’s to thank them. Not only for the opportunity that I had there, but I got to meet people I wouldn’t have met if it wasn’t for that job. It’s to wish them well with their success and pray for a good future for them.

I can’t be spending my time playing the “what-if” game. So I am not going to. I am going to move forward with my head held high, and I am going to find another job. I’ve spent the last two days moping around my house but that ends NOW. I’ve worked far too hard to reach the mentality that I have and I am not going to let some minor setback (It may seem major now, but in the long run it really isn’t) alter that mentality that I’ve worked so hard to maintain. And honestly? The more I think about it, the more I think that God helped me to have this mentality because this was a part of His plan.

I may not feel like I’ll be okay right now, but I know I’ll be okay. I’m exactly where I need to be. There are things beyond my own understanding.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Today, I found strength. I am no longer afraid. I hold no grudges. I am not mad. Today, I will continue to choose let go and let God.

A Night of Reflection

Tonight I’m taking time. I’m taking time to pray and realize all that God has done for me. Tonight was the last night of my impaired driving course. Let me rewind.

8:20 AM: Got up for work.

9:30 Got to Work

9:45 get into an argument with my stepmom over our dog. This was probably the hardest part of my day but I can say that I tried my best to keep calm and didn’t say anything out of anger. I owned up to my wrongdoings, and I didn’t make excuses. This was a big accomplishment for me.

Being that my day started off so crummy, it could only go up from there. Fast forward to 6:30. I’m in my impaired driving class. It’s my last night and the instructor asks me what I have learned.

In the past 6 weeks, I have learned so much. I grew closer with God (and continuing to do so), realized that me going out was a bit excessive. I was going out 5-6 nights a week. Not necessarily getting drunk but avoiding responsibility. I didn’t see the error of my ways, I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong, but this class showed me that I wasn’t doing something right either.

I’ve learned how to be safe when I do go out. Granted this should have been a given, but some lessons were meant to be learned the hard way. If not for my DUI, I would still be doing what I was doing. I wouldn’t have learned anything.

I’ve started establishing relationships with a friend that I had truly cared about. He was trying to help me all along but I was so stuck in my ways I didn’t want it, when really I did.

I also learned to decipher when I should be drinking and when I shouldn’t. I’ve learned that drinking at social events and get togethers is ok and I must do it responsibly. If I feel that I can’t drink responsibly, then I shouldn’t drink at all. I also shouldn’t drink to masquerade my feelings.

I’m so thankful that God put me on this challenging journey. The growth I have experienced is amazing. I can finally say that I’m happy. I can say that today? I didn’t just survive, I lived.

I look forward to continuing to share my journey with all of you. I’m one step closer to God and one step closer to freedom.

Crying is Part of the Healing Process

Last night, I was excited to go with my friend to a bible study. Since I’ve been diving deeper into my faith, I thought it would be a great opportunity. I had already gone once or twice before, however, I wasn’t fully living it.

On the ride home, we talked about what was being said and the message to take from all of it. Then my phone buzzed. And I started crying.

When I started this journey, I had sworn to myself that I would take a break from my love life because I wanted a God-fearing man, but how could I expect to find a God-fearing man if I wasn’t a God-fearing woman? Note: My love life had nothing to do with me starting this journey. My life in general was a wreck, and I knew I needed God.

I calmly explained the situation. I’m not proud of what I did, but it was the last time I’d become the “chaser.” The last time I’d chase somebody else, instead I vowed to focus on God and let him chase me, whoever he may be.

The text message was from somebody who I had given my number to and basically he kindly told me that he already had someone else. That I did not know because I didn’t see a ring.

Anyway, I started crying. My friend asked me, “Why do you want a boyfriend so much?” I had to stop, and I had to think for a second. In my post about loneliness, I recognized that I’m not alone because God is with me all the time every step of the way. When my friend asked me that question, I realized that it wasn’t me wanting a boyfriend so much, it was the overall spot in my life where I was at. Friends are getting engaged, friends are moving into their own apartment, friends are finishing college, etc. However, I had realized I had been putting all of my anger and frustration into not having a boyfriend, even though it wasn’t the case at all.

I sobbed and I sobbed and I sobbed. I told him that I had been praying for my soul to be lifted from the weight I was carrying around, and he made me realize that I had been doing it all wrong. I didn’t need to pray and ask God to lift my weight, Jesus died on a cross for a reason and that reason was to carry our burdens and pay the ultimate price for sin. The things I had in my heart weren’t very Christian like at all, and I don’t want to be that Christian blogger who preaches one thing then does the exact opposite. The whole point of my journey is to become a kinder, more loving person. A person that Jesus would be proud of. This is why I didn’t blog last night. It was late and I couldn’t give it my all and I had to get myself squared away. I was in no position to teach the word.

I hate crying in front of my friends, but this journey is all about healing. You have to cry. Crying is part of the healing process and that’s why God placed certain people in our lives. We weren’t meant to do this alone. Fellowship is encouraged.

God has a plan for everyone and we don’t always know it-this is vital to me. I need to keep reminding myself of this, and I do constantly remind myself of this otherwise I’d just go completely insane. I’m right where God wants me to be right now and when He thinks I’m ready to move on, He will make that happen. In the meantime, I need to use this time to lean further into Him and love Him more.

I write poetry now and again. Today at work, I had random lines pop into my head and I wrote it down. Then, I had this melody pop into my head. I came home and I finished the lyrics and what it turned out to be was a song about what I was going through, not intentionally.

I have never written a song, but I sat down at my keyboard and within an hour I had a completed song with words and music. The last verse and last chorus of the song is me laying down my burdens. Me letting God take control. Everything that I was feeling yesterday into today just vanished. Disappeared.

I didn’t write that song for me, God wrote that song for me.

Loneliness

I want to talk about loneliness tonight. I had a wonderful evening with a very dear friend of mine. I had a good day, and I was thankful I got to share how my day went with him.

Then we started talking about past relationships and current relationships. However, seeing all my friends getting engaged discourages me sometimes because I feel like I’m behind.

The reality is, I’m not. I’m not behind because when God is ready, he will bring someone into my life that is meant to be in my life.

I have past regrets that I’m still working on letting go of. Regrets from past relationships and I also don’t always see myself the way I should. Handling complements is a weakness of mine, but I’m working at becoming better and trying to believe the complements I am given.

I struggle with body image and self confidence. That was the primary focus of me and my friends conversation. He kept telling me I’ll find someone who will do things like open car doors for me and pay for dates (not that paying matters, or car doors being opened for me matters, but it’s just nice). As well as explain to me, that some people look beyond a pretty face. They stare into the soul, and observe their personality.

The thing with my friend, is he is one of the most chivalrous people I know. Always opens my car door and most of the time when we hang out, he won’t let me pay for my own way, he does. No, we’re not dating. We’re just friends. However, I think God brought him into my life to show me how I should be treated compared to how I’ve been treated.

So he says something along the lines of, “Remember, this is how you SHOULD be treated.”

My response? HAH. I said “Well, 99% of men are not like you. 1% are. Of that 1%, 99% fall into 3 categories: gay, married, or taken. Only 1% are single.”

His response blew me away, and was a reminder that I needed. When God is ready, and when God thinks you are ready, He will place someone who was meant to be in your life. I felt better almost instantly. It’s something I have to cling on to, because if I don’t, then I’ll be back into my old habits.

One of my favorite songs is East to West by Casting Crowns. In that song, he says “I don’t want to end up where you found me.” Which for me, is true. I don’t want to end up where He found me, or more technically where I found him. If I don’t cling on to Him and cling on to my faith, I’d keep searching and searching for “the one” but reality is you can’t search for it. You have to let it find you.

On top of that, you have to be comfortable being alone before you’re with someone else. You have to be comfortable with yourself. I used to be an extreme extrovert. I was always going out. When I got put on probation, I’ve found contentment in being in my own solitude. I used to hate being alone, but now I know I’m not alone. God is by my side, all the time. Every day and every night.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous hand,” (Isaiah 41:10).