When I started this blog, I got really excited about being able to share my stories with the world. I was excited about knowing that I could make an impact to somebody, anybody.
However, today, I came across a blog that I thought was a lot better than mine. I didn’t get jealous, but I started to question what the point was with me doing this. I began to doubt myself, and more importantly, I began to doubt God.
I don’t want this blog to be about being “the perfect Christian.” This blog is far from. Besides, nobody is perfect. Plus, the word perfect is so relative anyway. It’s not a good word.
I want this blog to be about the daily struggles that ALL christians have. We all get mad at God, we all doubt God sometimes, and we all feel like God is not there. However, we have to make a conscious effort to remind ourselves that God never turns our back on us and that getting mad and doubting God is a human reaction. And guess what? HUMANS ARE NOT PERFECT.
What started this journey? I’m not sure if I ever really got into it. I got picked up for drinking and driving in December of 2017. My BAC was .09 and I was right by my house. I got arrested. Luckily, the end result was an Operating While Visually Impaired charge and not an Operating While Intoxicated charge, and I thank God everyday for that.
I was ordered to take impaired driving classes and that’s when I decided to give in. I decided to learn how to listen to God more. I decided that I’d actually make a conscious effort to make sure my faith remained solid. I may not blog every night, and I may not read the bible everyday, but at this point I pray more times a day than I probably have in the past year.
Another thing I did was start going to AA because I figured the courts would make me go anyway. They didn’t, so I stopped going.
However, recently, I started to go back. I’ve met some pretty incredible people and even a few remembered me and that felt really good.
However, I began questioning myself after the second meeting back. I’d find myself asking questions like “Am I really an alcoholic? Do I really belong here?” I decided to do the twelve steps anyway because I thought it would be an excellent opportunity for self growth, and growth with God.
Then tonight’s meeting happened. I had finally put words to explain how I felt. I was questioning if I was whether or not an alcoholic. Somebody said something to me and it struck me: If I have been arrested for drinking and driving, chances are I was an alcoholic. Normal drinkers don’t get “popped. That caused me to do some serious thinking.
Someone had also quoted something from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that gave the reader a challenge. Try controlled drinking. Have one drink and let it be just one drink.
This caused me to go into some serious thinking.
How many times have I went out before I got my DUI and told myself I’d have just one, but ended up having two or three? Too many to count.
I’ve only been 21 for almost 6 months and the last 4 months have been spent on probation. I still don’t have a solid answer to my question and I don’t have to. But a coworker asked me a question the other day that I could not answer. What is the whole point of drinking?
Maybe it’s better for me not to find out rather than finding out when it’s too late. I’ve also been terrified at the thought of never drinking again. Clue number two maybe? I don’t know. At this point, I don’t want to find out.
I have been sober for awhile, but never really kept track because I didn’t consider myself an “alcoholic”.
However, today. Something changed. I decided to keep track. Today counted as Day 1 in my book.
I’m so thankful that God made me realize how important this journey was, and I’m grateful that I’m able to make myself vulnerable and share my story with you.