Category Archives: journey

Hold Them Tight

What a crazy weekend. It all started on Wednesday. I have a family member that isn’t doing too well, and my brother asked if we could go see him this weekend.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to go. How am I going to pay for gas? How am I going to get out of work? How am I going to do this? How am I going to do that?

Surrounded by some close friends, they help guided me.

I called my boss and essentially told him what was going on. I felt bad because ever since I got the job it’s been one thing after another and I was worried about what he would think.

So we left Wednesday night and got here Thursday morning. It’s about a 5 hour drive from where I live to where my uncle lives. We got to see him today (Friday). And I’m glad we did. I made the right choice.

My boss will get over it. It’s not like I took the weekend off to go gamble, drink, and drug. No.

Family is important to me and I refuse to make the same mistake I did with my piano teacher.

I will never let my job come before my family.

Time is free, but we’re limited. We all have our own personal hourglass. We may think we have time, but God has our times planned.

Hold your loved ones close, make amends with those you care about, and spend as much time with them as you possibly can. We don’t have forever. We aren’t invincible and we aren’t immortal.

Pray. Live. Laugh. Love. Cherish.

God has a plan for everyone, do you know what yours is?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

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I Have $86,400

There’s this person I’ve been following on facebook. His name is Jay Shetty and he lived as a monk for a few years.

I was watching one of his videos and he made an analogy.

“Imagine if every day, $86,400 was deposited into your bank account and at the end of the day, that $86,400 disappeared but you’d wake up with another $86,400 was deposited. How would you spend it? Every day, we have 86,400 seconds and we can’t get it back” (to watch the actual video, click here).

It’s not quite verbatim, but pretty close.

I used to love sleeping in until mid-late afternoon. Usually 1, 2, sometimes even 3 pm. After watching that video? I feel weird sleeping in. I feel like I’m wasting my day.

Yesterday was a good day. I got everything accomplished that I wanted to get accomplished. It felt really good seeing things crossed off in my planner. I felt accomplished. I felt like it was a good day and my mood was overall better.

Today, that didn’t happen. I woke up an hour before I had to work. Didn’t get anything done. No readings, no blogging (until now) just nothing. I felt like crap.

I noticed a change because I had made myself more productive yesterday. I liked the feeling that came with it. Today, I didn’t have that feeling because I wanted to hit the snooze button one last time, and that lasted for 6 hours. (I wanted to be up by 8 AM but didn’t actually wake up until 2 PM).

I also prayed yesterday. Prayed that I would have the strength to get up that early, and that I would have the motivation, and that work would be easy. And it was. I had the strength, the motivation, and work was relatively easy.

Today I didn’t. I realize how important that is for me to do.

If I want more productive days, I have to force myself to wake up even if I don’t want to. I don’t want to waste that $86,400.

Photo by Olga DeLawrence on Unsplash

I’m Drunk! On Gods Love That Is

Tonight was incredible. It was worship night at my church group. Just singing. Praising. Worshipping.

In that moment, the ground that I was walking on was steady. The earthquake stopped. And the waters were calm.

For the first time, I felt drunk. But not in the usual sense of the word. I was feeling serenity, calm, love, joy, happiness.

I was singing and I meant every word I was singing.

There were no doubts. There was no fear. There was no worry. For the first time in awhile, I truly felt ok.

I wasn’t thinking about work. I wasn’t thinking about what’s going to happen with my license (if anything). I wasn’t running through the list I have in my head over and over again like I usually do.

I felt close to God. I felt close with God. I felt close with the people I was with, and I felt like I belonged.

I’m still not dreading work like I usually do. Maybe it’s because I actually look forward to things on my off days now. Maybe it’s because I got my planner and planned my week out.

Maybe it’s because I started reading again. I don’t know the answer, nor do I want to know the answer. I just hope that this feeling stays. I’m drunk on Gods love and I’m loving the feeling.

Something that not even a bottle of tequila could do. I’m glad I started this journey and I’m glad that I started taking it seriously. Not focused on anything but myself. Which may sound selfish, but it’s teaching me how to be selfless.

I don’t feel as closed off anymore. I’m opening up a little bit at a time. For the first time, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash

Giving My Testimony

Just an update, I added a new page to my blog.

It’s called “My Testimony.”

I wanted to make a video because I feel like it becomes more personal if you can see the person sharing. I was going to record it while I was sharing it at my church, but completely forgot.

I thank God that I have reached a point where I can feel like I can share my story. I pray that someone becomes impacted.

I wasn’t able to post the video directly, so I had to post it onto youtube. Feel free to check it out here

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Burning Out

I feel like I keep coming up with excuses on my blog as to why I’m not blogging.

Truth is, I’m burning out. Between meetings, trying to maintain my social life, and work, my days are becoming harder and harder to manage.

Some days I don’t even wanna get out of bed. Some days, finding the strength to get out of bed is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack.

I pray every night, but I’m not reading my books as often as I should. I feel like I’m a terrible blogger.

I’ve been running on about 5 hours of sleep today. I requested the wrong day off of work (which was nice surprisingly because I had a Saturday off) but I had to be in Detroit by 8 AM this morning to take an exam for a job that I’m going to school for (and I think I did ok). However, I didn’t get home from work until about 11:30 PM on Sunday night.

Gave myself an hour, and was up by 5:45. Running non stop. Car had to go into the shop, went to a meeting, pick up said car and go to work.

Truth is, I’m depressed. I’m worried. I’m scared. Trying not to overwhelm myself (I have no reason to be afraid because God IS on my side whether it feels like it or not).

Ever since I got sober, all of these feelings of regret, resentment, sadness, and anger have been bubbling to the surface. I’m not sure how to deal with them. If I’m being honest, I thought about checking myself into a mental hospital to get help. But I have bills to pay.

I see my therapist Wednesday, but I’m thinking about switching therapists because I feel like nothing is getting resolved at this point. I’ve had the same woman ever since my parents got divorced, which was roughly 8 years ago.

Ever since I got sober, I realized I had no idea who I am. I drank those years away. All because I wanted to feel numb, but here I am again. I’m 21 years old, but mentally, I feel like I’m that same scared 16 year old girl.

Thinking about going on antidepressant/anxiety medication again, because I don’t know what else to do. I need to be productive, I need to help around the house, and I need to stay motivated. How do I do that?

P.S. Time management is clearly not my expertise. So if any of you beautiful readers has any suggestions, please throw them my way. I have 3 sections to maintain, and I want this blog to flourish.

Photo by Chris Barbalis on Unsplash

The Motivation (Or Lack Thereof)

I’ve been blogging less and less. I’ve written for the Odyssey online, I have written for puckermob, and I started this. Odyssey and Puckermob just fell apart. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let this blog become one of those things that I’d start and forget about a month later.

I’ve been enjoying writing these blogs. It gives people inspiration and hope. My words have the ability to impact people in ways that I would have never imagined.

I’ve been thinking about putting myself on a schedule throughout the week. Getting a planner and writing out everything I have to do for the day. Word for word. Bills I have to pay, meetings I should attend to, days I have to work, days I have classes, what time I should be up by, etc etc.

I don’t have a planner yet. So everything I’ve been doing is from mental memory. Yesterday I got up at 8 A.M. I felt really accomplished (anyone who knows me knows that I am typically NOT a morning person). I got my car cleaned out and my room cleaned. Went to two AA meetings back to back and went to school to take my exam. I felt really productive and proud.

Today I woke up at around noon and barely got anything done. I got my budget worked out (bye bye internet streaming services *cough cough Netflix cough cough*) and my student loan paperwork completed, however I wasn’t able to turn in it to my schools financial aid office.

But today, I found out I am closer to getting my degree than I thought I was. I have about a year and a half left. That’s because I kept pushing, I kept striving, and I didn’t let the fear of student loans get to me. Even though I have changed my major roughly three times (which isn’t uncommon; if you are in the same boat, DO NOT feel guilty). I am so close to being done.

None of this would have happened if I didn’t sober up. If I was still out drinking, I wouldn’t have come to know God. I wouldn’t have been able to continuously share my story with people. I wouldn’t have been able to come as far as I have and that’s really important.

I’ve been watching a movie called 5 to 7 a lot lately, and one of my favorite quotes from that movie is “Progress is not linear.”

It’s not. Life is just a giant course of trial and error. If something doesn’t work, we try it again in a different way and make the same errors.

I feel like we have to hit a certain bottom before we rise to the surface. My charge was my bottom. This is why Paul is one of my favorite characters in the bible because Paul PERSECUTED Christians in his time. He had a specific encounter with God. In Acts 9:4, the Lord asks “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”

That conversation that Paul had with the Lord changed his life. It changed his life so much that even his name was changed. To learn more of the story please read my blog post From Saul to Paul: The Beginning.

Do I want to do things other than sit for an hour and read the Word? Absolutely. I’m sure every Christian feels that way at some point. However, it’s a really bad habit to get into because when we should be studying the Word is when we aren’t feeling motivated.

 

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

 

Today, I Got My Confidence Back

I ran across a facebook post written by a girl I knew from high school. She’s going to beauty school and learning how to do hair, and she needed to build up her professional portfolio.

We were going to dye my hair purple, but because this whole thing with forensics happened, I figured that going in to take an exam with purple hair wouldn’t make a good first impression, so we decided to go black. I’ve been blonde, I’ve been red, but my hair has never been black so I figured why not. She also did my makeup.

It looks INCREDIBLE.

Natural, but not natural. I was so happy I got to help her build her portfolio, but to me it was so much more than that. I can’t post any pictures yet, because I’m doing a reveal because I look kinda different, kinda the same but kind of different.

I used to drink because I had no confidence (there were many reasons why I drank, this was just one of them) and it was the one thing alcohol gave me.

Just by talking to her, interacting with her, and catching up (I haven’t seen her in 5 years) felt really great.

But the best thing about today was she helped me obtain that confidence I never had. That confidence that I obtained while drinking. I didn’t have to impair myself to feel good about myself.

In high school, I thought she was kind of mean. I thought she didn’t like me. I pre-judged her before I even got to know her and I feel TERRIBLE about that. Turns out, we have a lot more in common than I ever thought.

She is so sweet and I’m happy I came across her facebook when she asked if people needed their hair done and I’m so happy I reached out. Today was a really significant day because I truly do love myself. For the first time in years, I really do love myself. It wouldn’t of happened without her.

I get that you can choose to be confident, but sometimes, people can walk in and give you that boost you need. She was that person.

If you are in the metro Detroit area, and need your hair done. Shoot me an email. You can find it in the contact information and I can direct you to her. Pictures will be posted at some point tomorrow.

Photo by Ryan Moreno on Unsplash