Category Archives: alcoholics

Depression Isn’t Crying All the Time

I’ve been fighting this battle for 8 years.

I’m so sick of people telling me that it’s going to get better. I’m sick of people telling me that it will all work out.

I’m sick of people trying to tell me to rely on God.

Praying, reading the Bible, and listening to God isn’t what’s going to get my bills paid. It’s not going to make me feel better.

Depression isn’t crying all the time. Depression is isolating yourself, your own brain convincing you that nobody cares, that nobody wants you around, etc.

Depression is wanting to do nothing but sleep all day.

Depression is feeling emotionally numb and socially detached.

Depression is mustering up the energy just to wake up, shower, and look decent.

I realized I know nothing about God. I’ve learned that there’s a fine line between acknowledging who he is, and actually having faith. I’ve realized that I just acknowledge his existence.

I know I should be doing these things. Just a few months ago I was on fire for this. I had given my testimony, started this blog, and reading. However, I was reading something I didn’t fully understand.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in two months and I’ve made the decision to go back onto anti depressants. However, just because I am on medication DOES NOT mean that I am not allowed to have a bad day.

Just because I have a bad day DOES NOT mean that I am not taking my medication. I want to make that perfectly clear.

I want to be a better daughter. A better friend. A better Christian. One that actually has faith and not just acknowledges that God sent his one and only son down on earth to be crucified for all of mankind.

I don’t want to fight with my Dad all the time. I want to be useful for something. I don’t want to have to keep relying on the bottle to help make me feel better temporarily.

But I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. If something happened. If I get into a car accident on my way home one night and died before the paramedics got there, I wouldn’t care. But I’m not going to commit suicide. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I refuse to put my parents through that.

I didn’t ask to be born, but I was. And that I do have to deal with. I have to deal with my own existence. I shouldn’t have to “deal with my own existence” I should want to live.

I don’t have any other vices left. Things that used to make me happy, no longer make me happy.

I don’t want to play my piano. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to talk to my family (sorry Mom, Granny, Dad, and Grandma. It’s not you).

Depression is a deep well that you have to climb yourself out of. However, right now, I can’t climb out.

Depression is walking in the middle of an Earthquake, but you’re slipping through the cracks and you have nothing to hold on to. My ground started out unsteady, but it’s turning into a full sized earthquake that I can’t stop.

The only person I can trust right now is my sponsor, and that alone was a hard thing to do.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

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Difficult Roads Lead to Beautiful Destinations

The title of this blog comes from my sobriety app. Today wasn’t a good day, but it wasn’t a bad one either.

My goal was to be up by 9:00 AM. I was going to do my readings and then hit a meeting. However, I slept until 11 and was a few minutes late to the meeting, and I felt bad for being late but that’s okay.

During the meeting, I had said something. And someone thanked me for saying what I had said because it just reminded them of what they need to remind themselves and that felt amazing. I guess I did something right.

I came home, and had some stressors but I talked to someone about it and decided to do something to get me out of myself. I called a friend for advice, and followed the advice that was given. I did some housework, took care of the pets, meditated, and left for work. Not really looking forward to the 10 hour shift, however I did my best to stay out of that mindset. The stressor that was there before had gone away.

I always had something to focus on while at work. And I would say I was pretty productive.

We got insanely busy towards the end before we closed, but somehow, someway I managed to keep calm. Normally I’d start stressing out and get really irritated, but I didn’t.

We had some extra help tonight, and I was super thankful for that. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have gotten out at 3 AM. Granted, it didn’t matter to me what time we got out because either way there was always a plus side. If we didn’t have extra help, that would be more money in my pocket. Since we did have extra help, we got out a lot sooner than what we would have been.

Even had a few familiar faces come through. It was pleasant.

I just came home and to my surprise, I came home and my ceiling fan was working. So thanks dad. I don’t know what you did (it hasn’t been working ever since we moved in to the place we live at now).

Plus, I successfully came into the house and didn’t wake anybody up. So that was nice. Otherwise we would have had a problem. Well, I would of had a problem.

I have so much to be thankful for. Tonight would have been a night where I’d want something to drink. I had a long (but productive) day and felt that I would have deserved something. But to be completely honest, I’m way too tired to deal with that.

I need to start my readings up again soon, and I plan to. My main focus right now is not hitting the snooze button 20,000 times before waking up.

I’m thankful for today. I thank God for keeping me sober today.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Something Greater than Yourself Does Exist

We are human. We want to believe that we are the center of the universe. We expect people to serve us left, right, up, down and sideways. We expect to get what we want, when we want, how we want it.

THAT IS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS.

If you want to recover from your alcoholism/addiction, the pride and the selfishness has to go. It’s a lot easier said than done, trust me, I’ve been there. However, if I can do it, then you can do it. You just have to want it.

We have to admit defeat. As someone once told me at a table, self will doesn’t cure self will. But God’s will? His will, and only His will can cure self will.

Honestly, it’s because of God and his grace that I’ve stayed relatively sane these last couple of months. It’s been one thing after another, yet I’m still sober, and I’m still ok.

If I wasn’t sober, well then I can say without a doubt that the outcome of things would have been a lot worse.

I’m not worried about things. I’m not worried about life. I’m calm. If you truly want to be sober, I pray that you come to believe in a power greater than yourself. Once you do that, you’ll find that life as so much more to offer. That you’ve been blessed and didn’t even realize it. You’ll realize what the real solution to your problems are.

To give you an example: If you’ve read my other blog posts, you’d know that a few weeks ago I got into an accident and totaled my car. This was a trigger for me. I wanted a drink so badly. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Instead of going to the bar, violating probation and drinking my income away, I talked to people.

The next day, I called my bank. Because of the credit I’ve been building, I was approved for a loan to get a new vehicle and by the end of that day, I was driving home with a new car. Well, not brand new, but new to me.

I could have drank. If I did, then I probably to this day would still be without a car. God had everything planned for me from the start. It was a test. A test that I believe I passed.

It all worked out. It always will if you come to believe in a power greater than yourself.

I grew up Catholic and left the church for a really long time. I believed that there was something out there, but didn’t acknowledge that presence. I’m acknowledging it here and now.

My higher power is God. Your higher power doesn’t have to be. I am a Christian, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. Open mindedness and willingness are key. I respect other beliefs. Because the world doesn’t revolve around me.

Photo by NASA on Unsplash

Let’s Talk Emotions

I’m a little over a month in my journey with sobriety. And I can honestly say that this has been the most emotional month I’ve had in a while..probably because I’m sober. I feel things, I feel things on a deep level. That’s one of the many reasons why I drank.

I’m going to be honest, it sucks. It sucks so hard. One minute I’m crying at a table and an hour later I’m smiling, laughing, and nobody would have guessed I had a mental breakdown that hour beforehand.

However, the more people I talk to in recovery, the more I realize this is normal. Our emotions are going to be over the place. We’re going to be sensitive at first, we’re going to get irritated more easily than others because we aren’t drinking our feelings away.

All I can say is don’t give up.

I feel like I’m walking on an earthquake about to slip through the cracks. I’m hanging on to one tiny piece of rope. That rope is everything I want to be. Everything I’m striving to be. That rope is what is saving my life right now and I can’t let go of it, not yet. If I let go, then I fall to my death. That’s not what I want.

Sobriety isn’t easy. Giving in to a power greater than yourself isn’t easy. But things that we’re destined for aren’t meant to be easy. People can’t progress if they don’t want to put in the work.

My parents worry about me-alot. It irritates me because I am an adult. I have freedoms I didn’t have when I was 16. Them worrying is annoying. But it’s their job as a parent. One parent is 300 miles away and worries. It’s frustrating, I don’t like it. I work afternoons. So I’m most active at night and in the late afternoon. I have to be careful to not wake my Dad up when I’m coming home at 2-3 in the morning.

He gets irritated because I’m coming home so late. He works a 9 to 5 monday-friday type job, gets up earlier, and goes to bed earlier. I don’t have that right now so my schedule is backwards.

Little things like that make me so mad. But someone said to me “How would you feel if you guys didn’t fight over what time you were coming home? How would you feel if they couldn’t worry anymore?” and honestly, that changed my perspective and I became less irritated.

In our journey in sobriety advances, our emotions are going to be scattered and we’re not going to know how to deal. The beautiful thing is we don’t have to deal with it all at once. The key to it though is perspective. There are so many different outlooks on life, and it’s our choice to choose which outlook we want. We can choose to live positively, or we can choose to live negatively. It’s up to us.

If you feel like me, you aren’t alone. It’s normal, but don’t ever give up. Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens.

Photo by Alex Wigan on Unsplash

2 Car Accidents, 2 Siblings and a Life-Changing Encounter

Oh what a week.

I was able to get my license back this past Monday. What happens Thursday? I total my car. Not even an hour later, my brother rolls his car while in a completely different state. He’s lucky he’s even alive.

I called off work. Friday we went to get my car and I came back and I slept. I slept because I didn’t want to feel anything. I finally woke up and I cried for what seemed like forever.

“What am I going to do about work? This exam I have to take in a week? How am I going to get to meetings? What if my license gets suspended? I still owe money on the car, how am I going to be able to pay it off?” Those were the only questions running through my mind. Me, Me, Me. I, I, I.

I didn’t want to go to a meeting. However, when you don’t want to go to a meeting, then you best be at a meeting. If you’re not walking to a meeting, you should be running.

I found a way there because I knew it would be the only thing that would keep me sober.

However, it was a different kind of meeting. One I had never gone to, and I’m glad I was able to make it.

At this meeting, I met 2 women. Both were visibly upset. None of them were alcoholics, but knew somebody who was. They didn’t understand the concept of alcoholism. “Why do you guys keep doing this to yourself?” Seemed to be the only question that screamed, jumped at me.

I wait for them to finish, and I jump in. I didn’t even have a plan on what I was going to say but it didn’t matter because the words rolled off my tongue.

I was able to explain alcoholism and addiction to 2 women who didn’t understand. Who questioned why we hurt the ones we love the most. I was able to share my story. How I ended up here, and how I was able to turn my life around (for the most part).

But what I learned? I learned what humility really meant. I learned that yeah, not having a car sucks, but it’s temporary. I wouldn’t wish alcoholism on my worst enemy. I was able to explain to these women that you can’t make a person change, but you can pray for them. You can pray for peace, love, and guidance.

I learned that I wouldn’t be able to get anything accomplished if I were to go back out and drink again. The thoughts are still with me. “Oh, you’re not an alcoholic. You can still drink like a normal person.”

That’s normal. I have to overcome those thoughts because it would be worse if I didn’t.

To see these two women suffering breaks my heart. Because I want people to feel the peace I feel, but I can’t make them do that. They have to find out for themselves.

I exchanged numbers with one of the women and the fact that I am able to explain to them how the other side works is still mind baffling.

Not even 3 hours before this encounter, I was worrying about myself and my sobriety. Thinking that the world was going to end because I messed up. Because I totaled my car. Because I didn’t have a car anymore.

3 hours after the meeting, I was thinking about these women. About how much stress, anxiety, and even depression they’re going through right now because of this particular person that they worry about.

The sad reality is, as alcoholics, we are selfish people. If we don’t get help, all we can think about is when we are able to take the next drink. When we are able to get drunk or high again.

It’s a difficult path to go down on, and Thursday felt like a freaking earthquake. I wasn’t just walking unsteadily, I was trying to maintain steadiness on ground that was shaking.

By Friday, the Earthquake stopped and it was because of these 2 brave women who walked into those AA doors, looking for information on how the disease of addiction works.

Some people say it’s a choice, some people say its a disease. I say it’s both. It’s a choice to an extent. Whether it’s giving in to peer pressure, or hitting a rock that’s so far down at the bottom. We decide to try it. Some of us, it alters our brain chemicals to where we want more and we give ourselves a lifetime sentence because of that one choice. After that first choice, all bets are off. We’re off to the races.

For someone who has never dealt with addiction, they will never understand it. They will never understand why we are never able to control our drinking, or quit using the drugs that we use.

These women are the bravest women I know. And I’m so blessed that God put me in their paths at the right time.

These women helped keep me sober, and trust me when I say this. I came close. I came so close. And if I did? Well, the 30 days I’ll be celebrating on Wednesday would have flown out the window. I would have ended up in jail.

The Doubts Are Still There…

As I’m working through Step One, I realized that I had already admitted that I had a problem.

But I question myself. Every single day. Will I ever really truly know if I’m an alcoholic? Probably not.

Though given the fact that I’ve tried to do some things like control my drinking, I failed.

I did some step work today. Given what I wrote for my first step work, given the fact that alcoholism runs on both sides of my family, and given the fact that I was so excited to turn 21 just so I could drink, I’m pre-determined. All signs point to the disease.

The doubts are still there, the curiosity of wondering if I really can limit myself are still there, but I have to remind myself that it’s all an illusion.

I never wanted my genes to pre-determine who I was going to be, which is rather silly if you think about it. Our genes come from our parents. Our personality, how we look, our tastes in food, music, extra curricular activities, etc are all determined by genes.

We are our parents, and our grand parents, and our great grandparents, and family members that go back hundreds of years.

Our genes essentially do determine who we are-to an extent. Genes are found in chromosomes, chromosomes are in our DNA and our DNA comes from our parents.

There is no quick fix. There is no cure. But there is a choice and that choice is to make a conscious and spiritual effort to stay sober.

 

Photo by Carolina Heza on Unsplash

Patience please!

It is 1:37 am.

I just got off of work about half an hour ago.

I told a friend I’d go to church with him tomorrow.

Due to the fact it’s so late, blog posts for “walking unsteadily” and “for the alcoholic” will not be posted.

I just worked an almost 12 hour shift. I don’t have the mental focus that I need.

Thank you for your patience and I hope you understand.