Depression Isn’t Crying All the Time

I’ve been fighting this battle for 8 years.

I’m so sick of people telling me that it’s going to get better. I’m sick of people telling me that it will all work out.

I’m sick of people trying to tell me to rely on God.

Praying, reading the Bible, and listening to God isn’t what’s going to get my bills paid. It’s not going to make me feel better.

Depression isn’t crying all the time. Depression is isolating yourself, your own brain convincing you that nobody cares, that nobody wants you around, etc.

Depression is wanting to do nothing but sleep all day.

Depression is feeling emotionally numb and socially detached.

Depression is mustering up the energy just to wake up, shower, and look decent.

I realized I know nothing about God. I’ve learned that there’s a fine line between acknowledging who he is, and actually having faith. I’ve realized that I just acknowledge his existence.

I know I should be doing these things. Just a few months ago I was on fire for this. I had given my testimony, started this blog, and reading. However, I was reading something I didn’t fully understand.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in two months and I’ve made the decision to go back onto anti depressants. However, just because I am on medication DOES NOT mean that I am not allowed to have a bad day.

Just because I have a bad day DOES NOT mean that I am not taking my medication. I want to make that perfectly clear.

I want to be a better daughter. A better friend. A better Christian. One that actually has faith and not just acknowledges that God sent his one and only son down on earth to be crucified for all of mankind.

I don’t want to fight with my Dad all the time. I want to be useful for something. I don’t want to have to keep relying on the bottle to help make me feel better temporarily.

But I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. If something happened. If I get into a car accident on my way home one night and died before the paramedics got there, I wouldn’t care. But I’m not going to commit suicide. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I refuse to put my parents through that.

I didn’t ask to be born, but I was. And that I do have to deal with. I have to deal with my own existence. I shouldn’t have to “deal with my own existence” I should want to live.

I don’t have any other vices left. Things that used to make me happy, no longer make me happy.

I don’t want to play my piano. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to talk to my family (sorry Mom, Granny, Dad, and Grandma. It’s not you).

Depression is a deep well that you have to climb yourself out of. However, right now, I can’t climb out.

Depression is walking in the middle of an Earthquake, but you’re slipping through the cracks and you have nothing to hold on to. My ground started out unsteady, but it’s turning into a full sized earthquake that I can’t stop.

The only person I can trust right now is my sponsor, and that alone was a hard thing to do.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

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6 thoughts on “Depression Isn’t Crying All the Time”

  1. I completely understand this post. I don’t have any clear cut solutions but I have a few tips that may help. When the depression is in full effect, I find binge watching funny tv shows or movies to help, something to take your mind off of things. Or just being around people/friends helps, even if you aren’t talking to them or entertaining them and you’re on the phone the whole time, having a friend around helps.

    Try helping others in different kind of ways, that’ll give you a “feel good moment” even if its for a second.

    Try staying active, force yourself as hard as you can to get out and go do something productive. Even on days when you have no energy to get out of bed because depression has you down, still try to find a reason to go outside.

    Most of all, lol remember to treat yourself on payday. It doesn’t have to be something expensive, just do something that says “I’m enjoying the fruit of my labor”. I personally like going to the movies on pay day. Its dark, nobody bothers you, and you can just relax and get lost in a fake world.

    I’m not suggesting you run and hide from your problems, just saying sometimes you have to clear your head for a sec so you can be at full strength when problems and issues come your way.

    Also you MUST remember that you(katie) are still very young, you have a WHOLE life ahead of you, relax and take one day at a time.

    It seems like you’re rushing through life and putting time limits on yourself when you’re actually not doing too bad. You seem more aware of life than most people your age, you have a lot of wisdom for someone as young as you. There’s no rush, and if you ask me you’re ahead in life than most people your age.

    Idk, it just seems like you put a lot of stress on yourself in real life when you don’t have to.

    One day, take a sec and think about what you really would enjoy doing for fun, think about what kind of person you really are and want to be. The person you are today won’t be you in 10 years.

    A lot of young people don’t “find themselves” at least until mid 20s and you aren’t there yet. So just try to relax and be patience, things will get better in time. God will help, but you’ll see that its you changing things for the better. Praying helps, so I hear, but I imagine its us that have to change and shape our future, not a higher being.

    Like

    1. With that being said. Depression does cause mood swings, you are correct on your analysis on depression. Some days you won’t feel like getting out the bed, taking a shower, and tackling the world head on. Some days depression won’t affect you at all until the end of the night.
      Just have to find a way or reason to smile when you’re at your worst.

      Sorry if this wasn’t helpful, however I did state that I have no clear cut solutions lol. I too deal depression, but I know once I get over this hump in life, things will be fine. Life is a long distance race, not a quick one.

      One last thing, just so it’s clear, you’re a pleasure to be around. In person you give off good vibes, and from what I’ve seen people enjoy talking to you or enjoy your input on conversations. Lol heck, you have kept conversations going when people had nothing to talk about. Point being, others enjoy your company, so never think twice about that.

      Stay awesome and have a good day (((:

      Like

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