Today was overall a good day. It had its ups and downs, but thats life in general. I’m really thankful that someone had held me accountable with AA. I’m glad I started going back, I finally found a sponsor.
I’m really excited for this, but I’m also scared. The last week has been nothing but coming to realizations I didn’t want to come to, but I had to.
From recognizing alcoholic tendencies to learning how to heal and let go of that and acknowledge the fact I shouldn’t be drinking. When I got on probation, all I could think about was how I couldn’t wait to get off. But why? I couldn’t wait to get off because it meant I’d be able to drink again. That was the only reason. Not because I wouldn’t be tied down by the court system, not because it meant I wouldn’t be “watched” by the courts anymore, I couldn’t wait to get off because it would mean I’d be able to drink again.
But I realized…
How many times have I told myself I would have one or two drinks and let it be, yet realized that nobody was “policing” me so I could have more than I wanted? How many times was I worried about how I’d get home because I didn’t restrict myself? Too many times to count.
Honestly, the idea of me not drinking again terrifies me. And that’s perfectly normal for someone who admits to themselves that they can’t be a “normal” drinker. However, I know that as time comes, it will get easier. I won’t have that thought anymore.
For the first time, I was honest with myself. I had made myself vulnerable. I am exploiting myself every day whether I realize it or not.
I’m becoming a better person, and that’s something I’d never be able to find in a bottle. Normally, on Thursday’s I go to my college group but was invited to something that focuses on co-dependency. I figured I’d give it a shot. Because I am co-dependent, and this applies to many things on top of alcohol.
I told a friend that I wouldn’t be able to make it to the group tomorrow because of time conflict. He was disappointed, but he understood. And he sent me a text that gave me assurance that I was doing something right.
It felt really good. Not because he said good things, but because of the fact that the work I’m putting into myself is in fact worth it.
I’m radiating love. I’m radiating hope. I’m radiating faith. I never wanted to be this open because it meant that I could be taken advantage of. It meant that I could get hurt. I was so scared of getting hurt that I kept closing myself off. I can’t do that. I won’t do that. I need people just as much as they need me.
I’m bleeding, but in a good way. I’m bleeding love. I’m bleeding hope. I’m bleeding faith. If I don’t have something to work for, if I don’t have something to believe in, then what am I living for? I have to believe that my life will get better, I have to believe that God is there, and he is. Let this blog be my testimony.
I’m grateful for this life. I’m grateful for my friends and my family who have been so supportive. I’m thankful for my readers.
If I can make just one impact in someone else’s life, then that’s all I need. If I can make a change, then so can you. It’s not easy, but it’s well worth the investment. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, and it sucks. However, it’s part of the healing process. Recognizing and staying in tune with your emotions is important. You can’t just bottle them up inside because nothing good comes out of it. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know.
I’ll have my good days, and I’ll have my bad days. But on the good days I choose to have faith. On the bad days, I still CHOOSE to have faith.