I’m Bleeding, and I’m Okay

Today was overall a good day. It had its ups and downs, but thats life in general. I’m really thankful that someone had held me accountable with AA. I’m glad I started going back, I finally found a sponsor.

I’m really excited for this, but I’m also scared. The last week has been nothing but coming to realizations I didn’t want to come to, but I had to.

From recognizing alcoholic tendencies to learning how to heal and let go of that and acknowledge the fact I shouldn’t be drinking. When I got on probation, all I could think about was how I couldn’t wait to get off. But why? I couldn’t wait to get off because it meant I’d be able to drink again. That was the only reason. Not because I wouldn’t be tied down by the court system, not because it meant I wouldn’t be “watched” by the courts anymore, I couldn’t wait to get off because it would mean I’d be able to drink again.

But I realized…

How many times have I told myself I would have one or two drinks and let it be, yet realized that nobody was “policing” me so I could have more than I wanted? How many times was I worried about how I’d get home because I didn’t restrict myself? Too many times to count.

Honestly, the idea of me not drinking again terrifies me. And that’s perfectly normal for someone who admits to themselves that they can’t be a “normal” drinker. However, I know that as time comes, it will get easier. I won’t have that thought anymore.

For the first time, I was honest with myself. I had made myself vulnerable. I am exploiting myself every day whether I realize it or not.

I’m becoming a better person, and that’s something I’d never be able to find in a bottle. Normally, on Thursday’s I go to my college group but was invited to something that focuses on co-dependency. I figured I’d give it a shot. Because I am co-dependent, and this applies to many things on top of alcohol.

I told a friend that I wouldn’t be able to make it to the group tomorrow because of time conflict. He was disappointed, but he understood. And he sent me a text that gave me assurance that I was doing something right.

It felt really good. Not because he said good things, but because of the fact that the work I’m putting into myself is in fact worth it.

I’m radiating love. I’m radiating hope. I’m radiating faith. I never wanted to be this open because it meant that I could be taken advantage of. It meant that I could get hurt. I was so scared of getting hurt that I kept closing myself off. I can’t do that. I won’t do that. I need people just as much as they need me.

I’m bleeding, but in a good way. I’m bleeding love. I’m bleeding hope. I’m bleeding faith. If I don’t have something to work for, if I don’t have something to believe in, then what am I living for? I have to believe that my life will get better, I have to believe that God is there, and he is. Let this blog be my testimony.

I’m grateful for this life. I’m grateful for my friends and my family who have been so supportive. I’m thankful for my readers.

If I can make just one impact in someone else’s life, then that’s all I need. If I can make a change, then so can you. It’s not easy, but it’s well worth the investment. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, and it sucks. However, it’s part of the healing process. Recognizing and staying in tune with your emotions is important. You can’t just bottle them up inside because nothing good comes out of it. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know.

I’ll have my good days, and I’ll have my bad days. But on the good days I choose to have faith. On the bad days, I still CHOOSE to have faith.

 

Cover Photo by Jade on Unsplash

Advertisements

22 thoughts on “I’m Bleeding, and I’m Okay”

  1. And that is exactly what faith is 🙂 faith is when we can’t see and often times when we are in the middle of a raging storm. That’s when we choose to hold on or let go. Scripture says when we endure and we persevere our faith is strengthened. 🙂

    I love this perspective you have shared, and I’m going to add your post the community spotlight. It’s a post I have at the end of the month just spotlight posts from around the community. I have it on my main blog Inside Cup 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! That is amazing news! Thank you so much. When I first started this blog, the main idea was how I apply my faith to everyday life. It ended up becoming not only scripture reading, but everyday life. I didn’t want to paint myself as that “perfect Christian who has it all together” because 1. There is no such thing as the perfect Christian and 2. Nobody has it all together. I’ve realized that the people who seem like they have it all together are the most miserable. I want people to know that it’s perfectly okay to feel anger and sadness. We’re human. It’s normal. We don’t have to have it all together. I certainly don’t and I want my readers to know that. I didn’t shake walking on unsteady ground, walking on unsteady ground shaped me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s a beautiful way to say it 🙂 I think people respond better to our truth and our reality of our walk with Christ. Both fellow believers and those who don’t know Him yet. We have to be honest. Trying to appear to be “perfect” is nowhere close to what it means to be Christlike. We are told to be perfect in scripture, but that perfectionism is reflected in Christian maturity and holiness…so different than this world’s.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well said! Trying to appear as perfect can do more harm than good. There is only one man that walked this Earth who was perfect, and he was selfishly murdered by people for their sins, and the sins of future generations. That man was Jesus. Even though he sacrificed himself for us, even though he was crucified, I still think it was murder. One question i asked myself, but stopped looking for the answers because I realized I wasn’t meant to know everything was why did the people that Jesus had helped turned against him so quickly? If you read the crucifixion story close up, Pilate asked the crowd what Jesus had done that was so bad he had to be put to death and according to the Bible, they didn’t give Pilate an answer. They just said crucify him. I talked about this in one of my blog posts..

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I think what happened looking at a sociology perspective is the bandwagon effect. The high priests and those who wanted Christ to be dead more than likely riled up the crowd with their lies. Not only that, but I do believe in the same way Pharoh’s heart was heartened as God allowed it so He would receive glory, I think this is part of it. The disciples did not understand until they received the Holy Spirit I think, after Christ’s ascension. There’s something so powerful about His connection we receive through salvation, that until we receive it, as you wrote, nothing is pouring out of us. We let fear, angry, other feelings take control. Our eyes remain blind, just as the people’s eyes were blind that day. As much as the people in Christ’s time killed Him, we killed Him as well because He died for us too. The crowds that followed Him, knew the miracles, and some wonderful things, and heard great things. But they didn’t know Him the way we can through salvation and the Holy Spirit, and that lack of connection I think is what pushed the crowds to be deceived and blind. You’re right, Pilate even says that he washes his hands of it. Pilate didn’t want Christ to die, that’s why he had Him get flogged, he thought that would be enough. But for Christ to be the real sacrifice of sin, it had to be through His death became He was truly blameless, without flaw. The only sacrifice ever to be completely pure.

        Love this discussion 🙂 hope you don’t mind long answers.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Not at all! I think long answers are very informative and allows us to see a different point of view. When you said we killed him because he died for us, I think that was well said and allowed me to understand a new philosophy behind it. I agree with you 200% about the lack of connection. They saw Jesus so they had reason to believe in him. There was no challenge in believing without seeing. There was no challenge on having faith. People needed Jesus and he was there, physically and that’s all they needed. When I learned about Thomas, I had no idea he had existed. My first thought was “How could he be a true disciple when he was skeptical about Jesus’ resurrection? But when I think about it more, they were just as confused until Jesus appeared to them the first time. I think it’s really incredible. Even though it’s sad, it’s amazing to know that we have never ending love and forgiveness. We don’t have enough of that here in the physical world.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Absolutely my sister in Christ! ❤ 🙂 You said this beautifully! This world will NEVER compare in what we get from Christ, and you're right we feel that difference and the emptiness we get from the world, even ourselves. We cannot replicate it. It comes from Him ❤ He is precious for many things, and His love is the core of them all. Ironically enough, my scripture for the month is (NIV) John 13:07, “Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” They couldn't understand then, even though I'm sure they had heard the prophets of old speaking of Christ's impending death. But once everything happened, and once they received the Holy Spirit on Pentecost everything kinda clicked. The fire of Holy Spirit was not just part of a Man they knew as Jesus. His fire now burned within them and that's probably why the Holy Spirit, as Christ said, is the Comforter. He gives us that comfort and confidence that He is with us no matter what, even when we can't see Him. And that's powerful ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Well said! Your blog was recommended to me when I reached out to another blogger (Stephen Colbert I think his is name) and I had emailed him complimenting on how great his blog was. And he sent me to you. I had no idea that that would lead us into this very enriching conversation. It’s amazing how the little things like that brings us together, how one common theme can attract people from all over the place, and I thank God everyday for that.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Yes, Steven had messaged me letting me know he directed you to my blog and I was really excited because I know what it’s like to start a new blog and to be a Christian blogger. When you had commented on the post I had about blogging I checked your blog and realized you were the same Katie he had mentioned 🙂 I’m so glad I’ve gotten to speak to you tonight and to share in the love and praise of Christ. You are going to meet some wonderful people in this community, and I believe you are going to strengthen and encourage others as well. ❤ God will help you provide for others, and He will provide others to you. 🙂 I speak from experience, including tonight.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Thank you so much! I will be looking forward to interacting with you and other members of the community. I have finally finished the section of the fourth book I read (I read one chapter out of 4 books currently) and must journal my thoughts down and go to bed. Idk where you’re from, but it’s currently 2:45 am. Waay past my bedtime! 😂

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Haha, no girl, it’s the same except 2:47 am here right now haha. 🙂 I’m catching up a little on people’s posts since I was sick the past few days, and I still have a cough. I was going to do a yoga workout but I don’t know if I will now haha. Peace be still with you through the night 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      10. I’m so sorry! But I’m glad your feeling better. I actually just got inspired to start a third section of my blog called “for the alcoholic” which is basically my thoughts throughout my journey in recovery and thoughts on it. THEN I’ll be going to bed 😂😂

        Liked by 1 person

      11. That’s a great idea! There’s a bigger blogger Beauty Beyond Bones, and her blog shares her journey of when she had an eating disorder. Especially the very beginning of her blog, I had to search all the way back when I first found her, she shares her thoughts during that time and entries from her journal. She shares how the love of Christ spoke to her.

        Like

      12. That’s amazing! I’ll have to check her out when I’m not half awake. I like to be 100% alert when it comes to this. Only reason I decided to do this now was because I journaled my thoughts down and can just type out what I wrote.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s